Reclamation
by Tabitha craft
Summary: ***chapter 14 is up*** Pacey has failed - he's lost his job, his apartment and all his money. Doug offers him a place to stay but there are conditions - the first being that he gets a job, and to that end Pacey gets a job with the U.S. postal service. Last place on his route is the "old Potter place." P/J A/U please review!
1. Chapter 1

**Hey,**

**So this is very different to Into Your Arms. It's much harder - the language, the interactions, everything. I'm warning because it's got a very different tone. I thought I'd try it out but it may not be everyone's cup of tea. It's a little slower as well, so if you're up for giving it a try, persist for a couple of chapters lol! **

**You know me and reviews - I love them, so please review. Especially because I'm trying this new style. I don't mind if you hate it but be constructive please!**

**Tab**

**Chapter 1**

Pacey stared at the guy in front of him pretending he was listening. He tried to listen because honestly, if he didn't get the job he wasn't sure what he was going to do. For a start Doug would kill him. Doug's position as Chief of Police had definitely had a hand in Pacey landing an interview for a job at which he had no experience. Doug had coaxed him into a mock interview that morning, trying to rouse him from his state of self deprecation after his stock exchange fiasco. Ask questions, Doug had said.

'Are there any places on route that make delivery difficult?' he asked in what he hoped was an engaging manner. The guy, Mr Green, he laughed amiably. Apparently Pacey's affability hadn't tanked with the market,

'Oh boy, but there's a few. There's a number of yappy dogs, there's a grumpy fella on fifteenth, and then there's the old Potter place out of town on the creek. Lady there's got the biggest dog you've ever seen and he barks up a storm. She won't do a thing to restrain him neither, despite the complaints.'

'Who complains?' Pacey asked, deciding he liked Mr Green.

'Oh, the folk that have gone before you on this particular route,' he gave Pacey a challenging look, 'I'm not gonna lie to you Witter. We've been through several delivery people - they either all out quit or request a different route.'

'All because of one old lady's house?' Pacey frowned.

'Not entirely. It's the longest route and there's no extra pay.'

'I don't mind walking and I'm willing to take what I get,' he offered, just as Doug had trained him - oh but his big brother would be proud. Mr Green chuckled,

'Your brother said as much. You'll have to go all that way every day. Lots of mail to her house, and the dog - well it's a problem. I urge you to come up with tactics and be willing to climb a tree. You can ask your brother to do something about it if it becomes a problem. He ain't been willing to do a thing thus far.'

'So I've got the job?' Pacey grinned and Mr Green slapped his back,

'Yes you do. Be here at 6 am tomorrow. You can go get your uniform now.'

'Thank you sir, I won't let you down.'

'I'm sure you won't. I've met your brother.'

* * *

Pacey glanced at the mail uniform on the passenger seat of his brother's car. He opposed the pants, the shirt, the jacket and the hat but he'd wear it all. He was broke. Worse than broke, he was in debt and it was only thanks to his brother that he stood a chance of getting out of the mess. He'd done well for himself after leaving home at eighteen. He'd gone through community college and landed a job on the stock market - he was good with numbers, and good at reading the market. He'd been great at it for three years, he'd been great at it until he wasn't. Until one mistake cost him everything, because he'd invested everything of his. He'd lost his apartment, his beloved big TV and all his money, accruing quite the debt during the month he'd pretended it hadn't happened. Eventually he'd rang Doug, drunk and sobbing, and his brother had agreed to take him in, but Pacey had to move to the Podunk town of Capeside where his brother lived and worked. His brother had given him the spare room in his anally neat and ordered apartment, and sworn that if Pacey so much as sniffed a beer he'd be out. It was ironic really because Pacey wasn't actually a drinker. He'd been more of a slut in the last month than an alcoholic, taking random girls back to the apartment which he couldn't afford, and pretending he was something of a player. He really wasn't. Still he agreed to Doug's rules because it was only through the kindness of his brother allowing him room and board for free that Pacey had any hope of financial recovery. And that all started with a job with the U.S. postal service.

* * *

Pacey was prepared. His shirt was ironed, his shoes were polished and he'd memorized the route, though he carried a map in his bag. The bag was heavy, but he didn't care. He relished the prospect of physical exercise. Working the markets had allowed his body to turn soft and he'd tried to find gym time without success. He figured the walk, carrying the heavy mailbag, well eventually he'd get tone and muscle back. Hell, if his route was completed by two, he'd have time for the gym, or the free gym known as the public park. The aim was to earn and not spend.

'One more Pacey,' Mr Green stated and handed him a ridiculously heavy package. 'That's for the lady with the big vicious dog,' he stated and Pacey glanced at the name _Ms Josephine Potter. _It sounded like an old lady name.

'Any tips?'

'Save her house for last, she's an odd one,' Mr Green chuckled.

'Odd?'

'Well that's what they say. Truth is she's been living like a recluse up that side of the creek for years now. Nobody sees her. She doesn't go out, doesn't look out, just lives in her little shack. Been that way for years.'

'Why? Is she disabled?'

'Who can say. No disability cheques come in, and we'd know. Rumour has it her entire family were killed in a fire years ago, a fire set by a travelling vagrant. They say he's in the state penitentiary.'

'That's awful,' Pacey was appalled but intrigued.

'Awful if it's true,' Mr Green shrugged. 'Now go get on.'

* * *

Pacey found the steady plod of working his route satisfying. He walked with his head held high and the bag slung across his shoulders. It was cold but he didn't care because he was working outside for the first time in years. It probably took him a lot longer than it should, but he was determined to get the right mail to the right people and he double checked every name and address - apparently he could still strive for pride in his work. At length he began the two mile trek out of town towards the "shack by the creek." It was about half way there that he wished he had a car or a bike or something. It was beautiful, no denying that, but it was a long walk and it was freezing, the first flakes of snow confirming how cold it was. At length the paving ended and he trudged up the gravel road. The snow was beginning to settle by the time the house came into view, though house was generous phraseology. Really it was more of a shack, run down, with rotten boards and peeling paint. The roof didn't even look watertight. He glanced around waiting for the dog but all was quiet. He'd nearly made it to the front porch when a massive husky appeared on the porch snarling angrily.

'Woah, there, it's ok dog,' he stated and the snarling became a bark that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. 'I just gotta package for the old lady,' he held up the parcel and the dog advanced toward him snapping. He eyed the dog and the dog advanced further. Well to hell with having his hand eaten - Pacey threw the package wincing as it broke the board it landed on. The dog snarled and advanced closer, 'ok, ok, I'm going,' he held up his hands in surrender but the dog advanced further so he backed away, ever quicker, before turning and running, the dogs angry barks following him to what he figured was the edge of the property.

Well it figured he got the job for a reason, the reason being it was shit. Feeling grumpy he stalked back to the office.

'How'd it go newbie?' one of the guys asked.

'What the hell do I do about the dog?' Pacey grumbled and the guy laughed,

'I'd suggest a steak but you'd be broke before too long.'

'I already am,' Pacey muttered, 'why is she allowed to keep that dog? I mean it almost ripped my hand off.'

'It did practically rip the hand off of your predecessor.'

'You're kidding me?' Pacey was entirely animated, 'and she's not meant to tie it up! Nothing! What if some kid came across it?'

'It's a pussycat for kids,' the guy said, 'or so the rumour goes.'

'So what's the deal with the old lady?'

'Some say fire, some say her family was a criminal clan and she shopped them in. She lives in fear of retribution.'

'Right,' Pacey rolled her eyes,

'That's what I heard,' the guy shrugged with a laugh, 'there's also the one where her lover jilted her at the aisle. You get a crazy like that and the rumours build up like crazy. There must be some in town that know full well what the story is, though they don't talk. Some say she got a massive insurance cheque, that she's a multi millionaire and she went crazy with the wealth.'

'Well her place doesn't indicate multi millionaire,' Pacey muttered.

'I heard it's a heap.'

'I had to throw the parcel and it broke through one of the porch boards,' Pacey stated and the guy began to piss himself laughing,

'Nice one newbie,' he chortled, 'I'm Drue.'

'Pacey,' he shook he guys hand.

'Wanna get a beer?'

'Another time,' Pacey nodded and headed out.

* * *

'How'd it go?' Doug asked over a dinner of cooked-at-home pizza and open-a-bag salad. Pacey had prepared the meal, one of the stipulations of his stay. Doug hadn't looked entirely impressed as he sat down, but said nothing.

'It went,' Pacey shrugged and then the Potter residence floated through his mind, with the vicious husky, 'what's the story with Josephine Potter?'

'Not entirely sure,' Doug admitted.

'That dog?' Pacey frowned and his brother sighed,

'There have been several complaints but the guys don't want to push it. They're all local guys and they suggested I leave it. I told them that if anyone else was bitten she'd have to at least restrain it.'

'That next someone is going to be me,' Pacey assured his brother which at least made him laugh,

'Look on the Internet for tips - there must be tons out there about how to manage unruly dogs on the mail route.'

'Maybe,' Pacey vowed to do it after dinner. 'So which story is true?'

'Oh god, who knows?' Doug sighed running his hands through his hair. '

'You must know Mr Cheif of Police?'

'Not my place to say. Maybe she's just a recluse Pacey? I mean every town has one, and maybe there was nothing awful, she just doesn't like people?'

'Nah, something awful happened,' Pacey grinned.

'Whatever you say,' Doug rolled his eyes.

* * *

Pacey approached the Potter residence the next day armed with nothing more than two packages. Despite Doug's suggestion of research he'd spent the previous evening watching an ice hockey game and teasing his brother about a guy he liked. It was all good natured and it beat sacrificing his hours away from the job thinking about the job. He'd barely stepped onto the property boundaries before the dog was snarling and barking at him, approaching from the porch. Pacey attempted a step in the direction of the house and the dog moved so fast he freaked and climbed the old cherry tree in the garden, wondering whether they'd pluck his frost bitten body from the tree the next day. The dog snapped and snarled at the base of the tree and Pacey sighed. What the _fuck_ was he supposed to do?

* * *

It had been an hour and he could no longer feel his feet or his hands. He made as though to climb down the tree and the dog was there snapping as though his life depended on it. Feeling angry and frustrated he launched the parcels at the house, watching them land on the porch, feeling a slight smugness at his accuracy. The dog whined and lumbered back to the house.

'Fuck you dog,' he grunted, dropping down from the tree. The dog gave him a warning bark but stayed where it was.

* * *

Time began to pass. The snow came and with it the route felt like it tripled in length, and yet everyday he made it to the Potter residence. Everyday the damn dog chased him up the damn tree and everyday he threw the damn packages at the damn porch, watching the damage increase with every package hurled at it. He wanted to feel guilty, but really it wasn't his fault. The lady got her ridiculous packages and he saved his ass from being mauled by a dog.

At length the snow began to melt, the grass poking it's optimistic head through the patches of white. The first snow drops made him feel happy inside and since he couldn't recall the last time he felt happy inside he decided that was a good thing. The green buds on the trees spoke of potential, of new life and his route began to speed up again. He enjoyed the routine of the route and though it was the longest, it was certainly the prettiest, especially the last two miles of it. He tried to hate Capeside but the town had grown on him. The town folk might love gossip but they were friendly and welcoming and more than willing to bend his ear about this or that. He also liked living with Doug, and was beginning to make friends. Drue had managed to convince him out and though Pacey drank coke, it didn't bother Drue, who really just liked the sound of his own voice. Drue had moved to Capeside to be close to his girlfriend Jen, a petite sassy blond doctor who Pacey instantly warmed to. Jack, another guy from the office made it a foursome. Jack was just a really nice guy - a total jock with a great sense of humour whom Pacey thought would be perfect for his brother, not that his brother was dating apparently. Jack had been up for a set up but Doug refused to play nice. Jack was chilled about the whole thing.

As he approached the Potter residence he prepared for his regular tree climb and as the dog, who he'd named Rocky, began his attack he hoisted himself nimbly into the tree. His post route had definitely worked wonders on his physique - he now had a toned stomach and muscles. He stared down at the dog, who's blue eyes gave him a threatening look. He looked at Pacey as if to say, "throw the goddamn parcels already." Pacey laughed and prepared to launch but then hesitated. The house had all it's curtains drawn as per usual but the snow had melted to reveal the true decay the building was suffering. One whole side of the porch looked as though it were going to collapse. He couldn't imagine his parcel throwing, which hasn't always been that accurate, had helped. The old lady only had to step out onto the porch and it might collapse taking her with it. Worse than that it looked as though the house might be beginning to go at the very same corner.

'Well crap,' he dug around in his bag looking for a pen and then wrote a note on one of the packages signing it _your tree climbing mail man_. He thought that was kind of funny and a little pointed which was probably appropriate. He hurled the package and looked down at Rocky who humphed and then lumbered back to the ominous looking porch.

* * *

If the old lady had read the note he didn't know, but as the days passed he scrawled another note,

_Lady, your house is going to fall down. Call someone to fix it. Your tree climbing mail man. _

Yet another week passed and his favourite tree to climb erupted into powder puff blossom, a beautiful pink colour - the whole tree looking like it was covered in cotton candy. When he climbed the tree the blossom would rain down on him like snow.

_Ok, so apparently you're not concerned about your house collapsing. Fine. I'll continue to hurl your parcels and cease to bother you. Your tree climbing mail man._

He tossed the package but he couldn't deny he'd spent plenty of time thinking over the old lady's predicament. Perhaps the old lady was a multi millionaire who didn't care to fix her ailing house, or perhaps she was just an old lady with no money to fix her house. He couldn't help but think it was the latter and it irked him. Kept him up at night till long after the blossom had all fallen from the tree. He found himself looking up carpentry online. He was good with his hands, good at working with wood and he didn't see why he couldn't fix it himself. It was a nice thing to do. So after work one day he went to the pet store and that evening he read up about taming the savage beast.

'Say Dougy,' he interrupted his brother's Pride and Prejudice marathon and he didn't look best pleased.

'What?'

'Don't suppose you've got a tape measure I could borrow?'

'What for?'

'The old lady by the creek with the vicious dog...'

'What about her?' Doug paused the television.

'Her house is kinda on a tilt and it won't be long before the whole thing collapses on her. I've told her and told her...'

'You mean you've spoken to her?' Doug leaned forward, 'what's she like? One eyed and crazy?'

'Well no, I haven't spoken to her. I've written messages on her parcels,' Pacey admitted and Doug looked miffed,

'Anyone who knows about that one isn't telling.'

'And I'm pretty sure you could access pertinent info if you wanted! I imagine she's just a lonely person and the truth isn't nearly as interesting as we all suspect.'

'I suspect you're right. What you planning to do with the tape measure?' Doug eyed him.

'I was planning to measure up for wood and materials. I know I still owe money and really I aught to give you money but she's a poor old lady...'

'It's fine Pace. That's a nice thing to do,' Doug smiled, a smile which changed to a smirk, 'what are you planning to do about the dog?'

'Bribe him,' Pacey grinned, 'and basically become his alpha.'

'Good luck with that! Maybe take a first aid kit.'

'Haha,' Pacey rolled his eyes. 'When I get the materials could I maybe borrow your truck to get it there?'

'Sure, sure,' Doug nodded.

'Thanks,' Pacey watched his brother eat the chicken he'd successfully roasted. Apparently he wasn't bad at cooking if he put in a little effort.

* * *

'Rocky,' Pacey narrowed his eyes at the dog who stared at him and then at the tree as if to say "don't make me bark man, just climb the fucking tree already." Pacey looked at the tree and shook his head. 'Not today Rocky, not today,' he took a step forward and the dog growled warningly.

'I said **not today**,' Pacey spoke in a low, authoritive tone and Rocky stared at him. 'Your lady needs her house fixed and apparently yours truly is a glutton for punishment and is going to attempt to stop the house falling down around your ungrateful doggy ears.' Rocky snarled as Pacey took another step forward.

'You **sit down**,' he demanded and all at once the dog whined a little and sat down. 'Good boy,' he dug around in his pocket nervously. Locating a treat he'd shoved in there earlier he tossed it to the dog who caught it easily.

'Ok, so now we're getting somewhere,' Pacey breathed deeply, 'ok Rocky, I'm going to head on over to the house now and I'll be using my tape measure...' He reached into his pocket and the dog wagged his tail and looked optimistic, 'this is a tape measure,' Pacey showed the dog the item. Rocky tilted his head to one side and then snapped viciously in the air.

'**Bad dog Rocky**,' he growled and the dog sunk to the floor looking chastised. 'That's better,' Pacey rewarded and dug out another treat. He was now near enough and he quickly did some measurements, writing the information down. Up close the damage looked worse than it had from the tree, but he figured he could manage it. He looked up at the house and thought he saw the curtain twitch,

'You tell the lady she should come outside. The sun is nice and warm today,' he chatted, keeping his eye on the dog, 'and maybe whilst you're at it you can tell her I'm fixing the house because she doesn't seem like she intends on getting anyone else in to fix it and I'd hate to think of her falling through the boards - even if she does deserve it for letting it get so bad,' he spoke loudly, clearly, because really, he didn't care if the old bat heard. He might have goodness in his heart but spending his own money on fixing the house of some crazy lady wasn't the smartest move he could make.

'Well Rocky I'll be back tomorrow. Good dog,' he fed him a last treat and the dog wagged his tail. It did occur to him that he should have followed his brother's advice and done a little dog training weeks ago, but then again it had been kind of fun trying to beat the dog to the tree.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey All,**

**Thanks for the reviews - I'm glad you're giving this a chance and enjoying it so far. It's pretty fun to write so far! Please keep the reviews up - I feel very nervous about this particular story - so even if you have something negative to say, I am interested in hearing what you think!**

**Thanks, Tab:-)**

**Chapter 2**

When Pacey pulled up in Doug's truck the next day the dog went mad, barking, snapping and snarling but when he saw Pacey at the wheel he switched mood faster than Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, and wagged his tail as if Pacey were his favourite person in all the world,

'That's more like it,' he threw him a dog treat, 'ok, so don't freak out Rocky. I've got a load of lumbar, some nails, some tools, a saw, a workbench. I've got a lotta crap in this here truck and it's all coming out and **you** need to keep your cool.' Rocky stared at him expectantly as he stepped out of the truck. 'So your plan today is not to eat me - we make progress dog, we make progress. You wanna help unload?' Pacey led the dog around to the back of the truck and began to unload, the dog watching him suspiciously, but he didn't growl so when everything was out Pacey chucked him a treat. With a sigh the dog dropped to the ground in the shade of the cherry tree.

'You got the right idea dog,' Pacey tugged at the tshirt he'd changed into, and looked a little dejectedly at his cargo pants, 'this is a hot old May.' Rocky gave a lazy bark. 'You know lady, that lumber wasn't light. A jug of water would go down a treat,' he looked at the house expectantly, again thinking he saw a twitch of the curtain. 'Well what d'ya know, no water,' he tsked, and began the slow but steady process of attempting to sure up the buildings stability. 'You know I should probably look around the whole thing,' he eyed Rocky wearily, and the dog seemed to sense he was up to mischief as he got to his feet and walked right up close.

'Now you listen Rocky, I'm going round the back,' he stared at the dog, 'else the whole house might fall over, so you **be good**,' he stared meaningfully. With a chuckle he dared reach a hand out and gently pressed it to the dogs head. The dog seemed thrilled and pressed his head up into Pacey's palm. 'You're pretty cute you know?' Rocky answered with a woof.

'Ok,' Pacey took a breath and headed around the side of the house and stopped short, 'well I didn't expect that,' he stared at the beautiful garden. There were roses and sweet peas planted, beautiful rushes that marked the edge of the creek and a dock in the water. Right out the back was a garden full of vegetables, the soil dug and everything planted in neat rows. There was a hen house and a bee hive, and flowers - every type of flower imaginable. It was stunning and totally at odds with the decaying front. He walked slowly around the building, noting that there were a few rotten boards on the back porch, as well as the walls that he may as well fix. Rocky walked at his feet. Pacey stepped onto the porch and looked at the dog who looked back at him.

'So don't freak out, ok?' Pacey stated clearly, 'can't have the old lady stepping through one of these boards and breaking a hip can we?' He snuck a look at the windows noting the curtains were drawn at the back and he could see into a simple kitchen with a small table and two chairs. There was a mug steaming on the counter but no sign of the old woman. He sighed, 'well at least she lets some day light in,' he said to the dog, but then sighed as he looked up, 'the drains are all blocked,' he pointed out where to the dog, 'so I guess we better fix 'em up.'

Pacey continued to move though really he wanted to sit down in the tranquil garden and enjoy the view. There was work to be done. Lots of work.

'You're gonna have to tell the old lady I'm leaving some stuff here,' he said loudly as they passed an open window. 'I don't have time to lug it all backwards and forward and I shouldn't think Dougy will keep letting me use the truck,' he looked at the dog and the dog barked,

'Well I'm glad you asked. Dougy is my brother. Used to be all closeted but since he came out he's a happy guy and a great brother. Still won't date. Doesn't think dad will approve and he's probably right - our dad doesn't approve of much,' he shrugged as he went to the truck and pulled out the stabilizing jack he'd rented. The dog barked,

'Yeah let's hope I don't fuck it up,' he swiped up a bead of sweat, and then after a glance at the silent house, he shrugged and tugged the tshirt off over his head, tucking it in the back of his pants. 'Remind me to bring water tomorrow seeing as the lady doesn't mind her free labour dying of heat stroke,' he carefully positioned the Jack, a painfully slow process, and then steadily wound it up until he was at least satisfied the house wouldn't fall down. Then he tore off the rotten boards, piling them laboriously up near the truck. 'Fuck it's hot,' he eyed the dogs bowl of water on the porch with interest. 'Hey lady, any chance of some water?' he called but there was no response. With a sigh he patted the dogs head,

'I think that's it for today but I'll see you tomorrow. I'll bring you treats don't worry.'

* * *

Every day Pacey did his route leaving off the Potter residence. He'd take her parcels back to his place and change into his work clothes and then jump in Doug's truck and drive to her place. He'd bring an old sports bottle full of water and he'd drain the thing every day. He wasn't fast at the work because he was trying to get it right, but he had to admit he was doing a good job. It was only Sunday that he didn't go and work on the old bat's house, partly because Doug wanted his truck and partly because he wanted to hang out with his friends who were heading to the beach, the weather warm enough for frisbee, and sun soaking. Drue and Jen quizzed him endlessly about Josephine Potter, but really he had very little to say, because all he knew for sure was that the dog could be tamed, the house was a wreck and the garden was beautiful. It was on the way home, Jack driving him because he was without transport, that Jack dropped his bombshell,

'You know I went to school with her,' he stated in a silence that had fallen.

'With who?' Pacey looked at him with narrowed eyes,

'Josephine Potter. Only no one called her that. We called her Joey,' Jack looked at Pacey and then out of the window, ignoring Pacey's stunned expression.

'You mean she's not an old lady?' he was entirely flummoxed by Jack's revelation. 'I've been calling her an old lady for weeks. Fuck, man,' he shook his head.

'She's twenty three like me. She was one of the young ones.'

'She's twenty three!' Pacey didn't know whether he was furious or what but he was certainly confused. 'When did you last see her? Why's she a recluse? What's her problem?' the questions burst out of him.

'It's not my place,' Jack shook his head, echoing just about everyone in town who knew anything,

'Oh for gods sake I'll search it on the Internet,' Pacey was feeling seriously pissed off. Despite his fascination with the old place and the apparently young girl, he'd never searched online for the truth, it had felt like the story should be discovered the old fashioned way and he'd enjoyed all the rumours, the subtle investigation. Now he wasn't sure how he felt - it was one thing working on the house of a little old lady, it was another thing entirely working on the house of an able bodied twenty three year old. He glared at his friend, his most affable friend, who could feel tension in the car.

'Fine,' Jack glared back at him, 'last time I saw her she was fifteen years old. I don't know why the social services didn't take her away but rumour has it she hid out in the woods and they couldn't find her,' he scowled, 'it was horrible, everything that happened and I don't know everything.'

'So are any of the rumours true?'

'There's a truth to them of course. Most people don't have a real clue. But I was there that night so I have a bigger clue than most.'

'What is the truth then?' Pacey tried to relax his hands which were gripping his seat in a vice like clench.

'Joey hadn't had an easy life. Her family were rough, real rough around the edges, you know the sort. Mom worked in a bar, was a bit of a drunk, the dad was worse selling drugs. She and her sister didn't have friends, didn't have much luck. You know the type of kids at school - they smelt a bit, their clothes were grubby, never had enough for lunch. Her mom died of cancer and her dad was arrested, that was all way before we became friends. For a while it was just Joey and her sister, her sister was about six years older, so old enough to have her. Joey and I became friends when I was came out. There were some bullies...' Jack trailed off staring at the road, then he smiled, 'she overheard this guy Grant Bodine one day and she just punched him, square in the face - knocked him right out. Well I adored her after that,' Jack looked at Pacey momentarily, 'took her a while to work out I was genuine. She'd been used by too many people by that point to trust easily, but once she accepted me we had a quiet sort of friendship. She hated school but loved books and art. I like my art and together we'd paint or sculpt, or whatever. Her sister was pregnant by the point by her big black boyfriend. Stupid small minded town folks used that as more ammunition against them, especially as they weren't married. The baby was cute but Joey was wrecked by it. She loved the little guy but was half delirious with lack of sleep, at least to start...' Jack trailed off.

'What happened then?' Pacey asked, frustrated with Jack's prolonged silences.

'They had a restaurant, the SS Icehouse, left to them by relatives on their moms side. Total dive. The food was crappy and the place was falling down. It was small and awful but God did they try and keep it going because it was literally all they had. We were there one night. The health inspectors were coming in the morning and we were all there cleaning. The baby was out the back sleeping, her sister was cleaning fridges, Bodie, the boyfriend, was stocking shelves and Joey and I were scrubbing table legs - fucking table and chair legs. Their dad had got out a week before, low life scumbag had wanted back in and they said no. They were trying really hard to make a go of that place. Fucker set fire to it. Bastard knew they were in there, course the insurance cheque was in his goddamn name. Not that any of 'em got it. Joey and I were on the deck, that's how we're alive. She never forgave me for stopping her from going in for the rest of 'em. When the police turned up, when she was told they were all dead, even the baby, she lost it and she ran. She ran successfully for years. No one really knew when she moved back home. No one knows much of anything. I tried a few times to go see her, but you know...' He shrugged.

'You saved her life,' Pacey frowned.

'She'd have rather died with them,' Jack filled in.

'Why's the whole town so crazy secretive about it all? All I heard was it was a vagrant.'

'Guilt I imagine. Maybe we all figure we could have done more when it would have counted. Figure she's earned the right to be odd, to shun us all. I think the vagrant thing came from the unrecognizable state of her father when he was released from the pen.'

'So why come back?' Pacey asked, because really he couldn't imagine going back to a place where that had happened. 'I mean she's in that house, I've seen the curtains twitch and a mug in the kitchen. All that mail.'

'Well where else would she go? She's got no money, no education, no family, nothing. I guess I'd go back to my home, to my memories. That house has been in that family for generations and they own that land, always have.'

'Well I guess she deserves her house fixed up even if she isn't a little old lady,' Pacey said at length and Jack gave him a warm look,

'Yeah,' he said simply, and then chuckled, 'Why'd you think she was an old lady?'

'Josephine, such an old lady name.'

'Ha, yeah. She'd have agreed with you once. Used to hate her name,' Jack chuckled. 'Here's you.'

'You wanna come in?' Pacey asked. 'I was gonna barbecue?'

'Sure, why not,' Jack shrugged easily, 'so long as the stoic big brother won't mind.'

'Nah, I think he'll cope,' Pacey looked at his good looking friend and knew Doug would deal.

* * *

Monday he found himself back at Joey's as he'd tried to mentally rename the Potter residence. Rocky greeted him enthusiastically, tail wagging and tongue licking at his hands. As he hammered and sweated he didn't talk to the dog like normal, his mind traipsing over every detail of Jack's story, working it through from front to back and back to front, until he was imagining the scenes in his head, this faceless girl watching her family burn alive. That night he searched on the Internet. He wished he hadn't because the details made his insides hurt to read. He found link after link to newspaper reports detailing the incident and the subsequent trial. He stared for what felt like hours at the blurry black and white photograph of the young girl with her hair in a scruffy ponytail, a cut over one eye and a pout on her face. The last school photograph they took taken in grade five. Her eyes were big and wide and he stared at them entirely unable to explain the fascination he had with the whole sordid event. He was one of those people he'd always hated, the people who craved the details of tragedy, but looking at the picture of the little girl he wanted to know more. What had she been thinking that day when they took her photo? She'd have been ten - Jack had said she was young for the year. Was her mom sick then? Had she come home drunk the night before, or stumbled in as the girls sat eating cereal dust? He could imagine her mom smacking her for impertinence, causing that cut on her eyebrow which would forever exist on her grade five school photo, the only photo they'd have to use with the news story five years later.

* * *

Tuesday he saw a jug of water on the porch, covered by some lace and bead thing. It was really pretty and effective too at keeping the bugs out of the water. He examined the rainbow beads before placing it back over the jug. Iced water was progress, but he still didn't know what to say. His mind was literally consumed and he worked in silence, giving Rocky the occasional pat. When he was weary and covered in sweat he wiped his face with his tshirt and then found a pen in his brother's truck.

_Thanks for the water_, he wrote on a scrap of paper. _If you throw an extension cord out the window it'd really help. Thanks. _He left the note on the tray next to the empty jug, and patted Rocky,

'See ya tomorrow Rocks.'

* * *

Wednesday was unbearably hot, and he had music blaring as he pulled up in front of Joey's. He stared at the house noting that there was no extension cord which meant he'd be a little stuck after a day or so unless he took the wood away to use the electric saw on. He felt a queer little feeling of desperation to see this mysterious girl, as he slammed the truck door and headed to the house. Rocky barked a greeting from under the cherry tree but apparently it was too hot to say hi. Pacey saw the jug on the porch and smiled, but it was the sheet of white paper that piqued his interest. He sat on the least dodgy step and picked up the paper. The writing was slanted and loopy. A little messy but legible. Better than his.

_I can't pay you. And I don't have an extension cord. You don't need to fix my house for me._

He chuckled at that because honestly, if he didn't fix it nobody was fixing it. He wanted to fix it he realized. He wanted to help someone who had nothing, much like Doug was helping him. With a sigh he poured a glass of water whilst there was still ice, then headed to the area he was working on and got to work. Before he left he turned her note over and thought for a good half hour,

_I don't want money. I don't want to see your house fall down either. I'll bring an extension cord tomorrow. You could come out and say hi. I don't bite. Unlike Rocky apparently, though he seems like a softy to me._

He shrugged and left it on the tray.

* * *

Thursday he headed straight for the tray looking for a piece of white paper. He was beyond excited to see one and snatched it up, sitting down carelessly and feeling the wood split beneath his ass,

'Dammit,' he muttered, rubbing his ass before sitting more carefully.

_Who's Rocky? My dog is called Bubba. He's named after an ex. Violent trucker guy with tattoos and eyes like the dog..._

Pacey looked at the dog uncertainly before turning back to the note,

_Leave your extension cord but I don't need your charity - I didn't ask you to do this. You don't have to do this. You're my mail man. Why are you doing it? And I don't want to say hi._

He laughed at that but only momentarily before going to the truck and retrieving the extension cord that he placed carefully by the tray, before heading to work. The heat was almost unbearable, but he slugged away, thankful for the spray on sun lotion that meant he wasn't burnt to a crisp. When he couldn't take the heat anymore he lazed under the cherry tree with Bubba thinking up what to write back. He took the pen from behind his ear and leaned the paper on his knee.

_Clearly you do need my charity lady because your house was about to fall down. I don't think I could live with myself if Bubba got squashed - that's why I'm doing it. And Bubba? Really? You named your awesome dog after a violent trucker ex. You should be ashamed. That's assuming he was violent to you. If he was violent in defence of you I'll let it go. You mind if I swim off your dock? It's killer hot out here and whilst ice water is nice I could do with a swim._

He shrugged and ruffled Bubba's ears,

'Ok dog. I'll see you tomorrow,' he trudged up to the porch and left the note, his attention caught by the flick of the curtain next to the front door. Shaking his head he headed for the car.

* * *

On Friday he made no pretence of anything and headed straight for the porch, only vaguely acknowledging the extension cord hanging from the window. He snatched up the sheet of paper and read greedily,

_It wasn't going to fall down and not on Bubba. We all make choices in life. There was no violent ex by the name of Bubba, I made that up. If Bubba is squashed I'd never forgive myself, so the extension cord is in position. Not that I believe for a second he was in any real danger. But it is best to err on the side of caution. Swim away._

He stared at the note for far too long about a million questions running through his head. Which was the truth - was there an ex named Bubba or not? Was he violent? Why would she make stuff up? Was she actually crazy and not just a weird recluse? When your family burned to death in front of you was it really fair for people to call you a recluse? And really! Did she actually believe her damn house wouldn't have fallen down?

He rolled his eyes and went to work, stripping off his tshirt after only thirty minutes. He worked late. He didn't mean to but with the electricity for the saw he got carried away measuring and cutting, carefully marking where each plank would go. The sun was getting low in the sky by the time he packed away and he was disgustingly dirty and sweaty. He walked around the side of the house and looked at the creek sparkling in the evening sunshine. It looked like gold. He looked back over his shoulder as he walked to the dock but the house was still. It looked empty. He hesitated before stripping off his clothes, daring to bare his naked behind before diving into the cool water of the creek, the cold taking his breath away. It felt like heaven. He lay in his back, feeling the water wrap around his skin like silk, the warmth of the sun on his face.

When he lost feeling in his toes he pulled himself onto the dock and sat naked as he dried. Then he pulled on his boxers and cargo shorts forgoing his tshirt. He headed back around the house and snatched the piece of paper off the porch and wrote, trying not to overthink it. He'd never been one to over think crap and he wasn't about to start now.

_I saved your dog whether you believe it or not. So if there was no ex named Bubba why's the dog called Bubba? You shouldn't lie about crazy exes. I actually had one. She was sweet but crazy. _

_You should come for a swim. The water is beautiful. I'm alright you know?_

He put the note on the tray and hesitated before plucking a sprig of cheery blossom and putting it on the note.

* * *

He got to the house early on Saturday, when the air was still cool. The extension cord was hanging out the window and the jug was on the porch. He couldn't deny his eagerness to read the note on the clearly visible sheet of white paper. Couldn't deny that he spent most nights thinking about the mysterious girl in the house and everything he knew of her and everything he didn't. He sat carefully and read the note.

_The dog is called Bubba because he's my dog and I named him Bubba. What happened with your crazy ex? Is that a flippant comment about an ex that was quirky? You shouldn't be flippant, though I shouldn't lie. And I swim all the time. _

_Thanks for the flower. There really was no insurance cheque. Why don't you talk anymore? I liked you talking._

Pacey couldn't deny he was irritated by her assumption that he was exaggerating, and frustratingly, all at the same time as being touched and intrigued. He took his frustration out on the house. He couldn't stop muttering to himself,

'Why don't I talk huh?' he looked at the dog, 'I mean she's one to go on about talking? She never comes out of the damn house. And what the fuck does she keep going on about the damn insurance cheque for...' he huffed and stopped working after only an hour, grabbing up the note and his pen,

_I wasn't being flippant. I don't tend to be flippant about people I loved. She was a nice girl but she lost it and ended up in an institution. She's my ex because she cheated on me, not because she had mental health issues. Stop going on about insurance cheques - it makes me uncomfortable - what the fuck do I care about insurance cheques? I don't have money, does that bother you? Do I need to let you know that every day? I don't tend to talk because I've been thinking. Wondering about you all alone in that house. Wondering what you think about. And I can't help but think you deserve flowers._

He stared at the note but then shoved it into his back pocket unsure if he could leave it. He went back to his work, ripping up the rotten boards on the porch far more aggressively than he intended, stacking the decaying wood by Doug's truck. It was ridiculous because the whole damn porch was rotten, it might not be giving way under foot but it would be by the end of next winter. He ripped the entire thing up before his anger was vented then he went to the end of the dock, stripped off and dived into the cold water. He knew he should be measuring up to replace the boards but instead he swam around in the cool water. With a sigh he pulled himself from the water, pulling his clothes back on and trudging to the front of the house. He stared at his demolition feeling pride and fatigue. He'd done a grand job at wrecking the deck, of that he was proud. It would be a tireless job to fix it. There was nowhere to leave the tray with the water jug so he put it under the cherry tree and put his note on it without rereading it. He plucked a cherry blossom and put it on the note. He measured up and left.

* * *

He planned to spend the day with Jack, Drue and Jen. He'd planned to head to the beach with them much as they'd done the week before only Drue was throwing up, Jen was throwing up and Jack was stupid enough to go see them whilst they were throwing up. Pacey was pretty certain Jack would be throwing up shortly. So instead of relaxing at the beach with his friends he went to the lumbar yard and ponied up the cash for the lumbar to fix the porch of a girl he'd never freaking met. What started as a good deed for a little old lady had quickly escalated into a virtual rebuild. Before he could finish the falling corner of the house he'd have to go inside, there was no way around it. Not that he could see that happening.

As he pulled up at Joey's house his eyes went to the ripped up porch. Sighing at the destruction he looked to the cherry tree. There was no jug and no note. Grumbling to himself he unloaded the lumber. It took him an hour and he was sweating by the time he was done and desperate for a drink. He drained his sports bottle dry and decided to take a swim before calling it a day. It was only as he rounded the corner of the house that it occurred to him he hadn't seen Bubba, that the dog hadn't barked in greeting, nor begged for a treat. The thought occurred to him at the same moment as he realized the dock was currently occupied. He stared at the tall girl. She was entirely naked, the clothes she'd clearly been wearing pooled on the dock. She was wet, her skin glinting in the sun, sparking. Her long dark hair was wet and fell to just above her perfect peach of an ass. He couldn't see her as clearly as he'd like but there was no mistaking she was beautiful. He watched mesmerized as she stood on the end of the dock, apparently engaged in a big conversation with Bubba who sat patiently at her feet. If he listened hard he could just about make out the lilting, musical sound of her voice. Fuck but she was beautiful, and sexy, fucking sexy. He could see her breasts move slightly as she spoke, the dog following the movement of her hands and not her breasts. Fuck but he was hard and fuck but he was an ass to be staring like some peeping Tom at a girl who clearly did not want to be stared at. It got worse. He knew he should look away, that he should go but for some reason he just couldn't. He couldn't tear his eyes from her, from the shine of her hair, to the curve of her cheekbone, to the luscious fullness of her breasts. He wanted to touch and that was oh so wrong. He backed away, practically jogging to the truck and left.

* * *

On Monday the extension chord was hanging out of the window and the jug was under the cherry tree. There was no note. Pacey stared at the water jug as if staring would make a note appear. It did not. Grumbling to himself he began to work, petting Bubba.

'She mad at me or something?' he asked the dog, loud enough for anyone in the house to hear should they want to. 'She mad I came on a Sunday? I don't think she was expecting me, huh? My friends were sick so I thought I'd get the lumber over here. Didn't see you, did I big guy?' Pacey trailed off, glancing at the house. 'Are you mad at me? Why didn't you leave a note? I thought we were becoming...I don't know...nearly friends? Did I offend you?' he stared at the house and tsked, 'actually I think you've offended me. I'm pissed and I don't feel like working today,' he threw down his hammer, jumped in the truck and drove away, too frustrated and angry to recognize he was being unreasonable, or to begin to understand why.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey all and thanks for the feedback! Please, please, please keep it coming. This gets...more mature as time goes on but in a different way to my normal stuff. Basically I need feedback, especially for chapter 4 and 5. So thank you and please review as always!**

**Tab:-)**

**Chapter 3**

The first thing that was obvious when he arrived Tuesday was that there was a note. It was tucked under a jar of honey that was next to the jug of water. He dropped into the shade of the cherry tree and picked up the note,

_If I was rude it's only because I was caught off guard. You came to my house and I didn't know. I'm not good when I feel out of control like that. I prefer to know when people are here. Normally Bubba let's me know, but he likes you. He doesn't feel the need to warn me any longer. He thinks you're trusted. You didn't offend me by coming here. _

_I really don't know why you're helping me. No one has ever helped me, but you are and I can't repay you. Your presence here confuses me. I like hearing your voice. I like watching you work. I like watching you swim. I like you and I've made it my life's work to not like anyone. _

_I'm sorry I judged the situation with your ex. I'm sensitive to the idea of insanity. I know what the people in town say about me. I know what they think of me. But I'm not crazy. I'm not. It's not crazy to protect yourself. _

_You don't want to know what I think about. I think far too much. I think up lies to tell and secrets to hide. _

_The honey is for you because you are sweet. You need to put more sunscreen on your lower back- it's getting very red. _

_My name is Joey. Don't call me lady anymore. I hate Josephine and I really hated "the old lady."_

He put the note down and stared at the house. If she was there looking at him he couldn't see her. He waved but then felt foolish. He put the note back under the jar of honey and got to work.

It began to rain at four. It wasn't just a light shower but a torrential downpour. He grabbed the note and the honey and put them in the car then grabbed some tarps to cover anything that was exposed but shouldn't be. Bubba looked at him mournfully, so despite the fact that Doug would kill him he let the dog hide out in the truck. He got in beside him and reread Joey's note. He tucked it into his wallet, then found a new piece of paper,

_Thanks for the note old lady. How mad does that make you Josephine? Mad enough to come and talk to me? I'm not gonna lie to you. I know what happened to you. I'm friends with Jack and he told me after I'd asked him about the rumours. This was after I started working on your house. I didn't know for a long while. You don't need to be a recluse though. Come and swim with me. Come and talk to me. I'm not one to judge crappy situations. I'm not exactly a success story. _

_Thanks for my honey._

He looked at the torrential rain and looked at her front door with it's mail slot. After a moments hesitation he pegged it to the door and posted it.

* * *

The next day there was nothing. No water, no extension cord and no note. He chatted angrily to Bubba about it, but it didn't work because the next day was the same. Finally the day after there was a note pinned to the door.

_You don't know anything about me. So you know my dad burned my family to death and he's rotting in prison. That's not all that I am. And it doesn't make me a recluse because I choose not to share your company. You can go digging around, looking on the Internet for information on my sordid past, you can ask my old friends, but it doesn't mean you get to say "you know." I didn't ask for you to come here, for you to start ripping apart my house. You're supposed to deliver my mail and that's it. I don't owe you anything. _

Pacey stared at the angry letter and then hammered at the door. If she was inside she didn't answer. Seething, for reasons he didn't know or care about, he got in the truck and left.

* * *

For the next two weeks he did the mail route as if he'd never set out on his ill fated attempt to help an old lady. He stalked the two miles to her property in thinly veiled anger, the words of her note running through his mind. He couldn't shake the image of her naked on her dock from his mind. He couldn't shake her from his mind in general.

'What is up with you man?' Jack asked as they sat in the bar one night, Pacey drinking his usual coke.

'I can't stop obsessing about that girl. Your old friend,' Pacey admitted.

'Are you in love?' Drue crooned in his usual inappropriate manner.

'Fuck no,' Pacey growled.

'You finish the work on her house?' Jack asked and Pacey shook his head,

'She pissed me off.'

'How can a hermit piss you off?' Drue practically spat out his drink in amusement.

'Stop being an idiot,' Jen chided.

'We wrote notes to each other. Just a few,' Pacey admitted.

'How romantic,' Drue scoffed.

'Actually it is romantic,' Jen defended. 'The girl is clearly different. Maybe notes were what she needed.'

'Trust me, she doesn't need anything. She's quite happy so long as you don't try to help her. Especially not from the goodness of your heart and your own pocket. The girl has issues.'

'That's not very understanding - I thought you were more empathetic than that. The way Jack tells it she has every right to have issues. I mean where did she even live after what happened? And off what?' Jen asked.

'What was her dad like?' Pacey asked, turning to Jack, hating his obsession but unable to rid himself of its paralyzingly effect.

'Tough idiot,' Jack supplied, 'he was a low life. Hard as nails and couldn't give two fucks - kind of obvious.'

'Was her mom nice?'

'I never met her mom,' Jack shrugged, 'rumours weren't nice about her, but Joey seemed to love her.'

'Can we please talk about something other than the crazy lady that lives on the edge of town?' Drue stared at them, 'I get that you're obsessed man, but really. Every town has one and she's ours. You won't change her and knowing all the sordid details is a little sick. Stop obsessing.' Drue was an ass but Pacey kind of agreed with him. He was losing his mind over this girl and he'd seen her once from a distance. He was pathetic.

'One more thing,' Pacey held up a hand to silence Drue's arguments.

'What?' Jack rolled his eyes,

'Is she beautiful? I saw her one day. She didn't know 'cos I didn't think she'd like it. She looked...she looked...unearthly...' Pacey trailed off aware of his three friends staring at him with expressions ranging from shock to incomprehension.

'You're the first person to see her in nearly ten years,' Jack admitted. 'But yeah, she was beautiful. Everyone who met her couldn't stop staring. Didn't help her much. Even I kissed her,' Jack admitted and Drue burst out laughing,

'You're kidding.'

'You know I knew I was gay but sex is sex,' Jack supplied with a casual shrug.

'You had sex?' Pacey asked.

'Well no. She was painting me and it turned me on to have her staring,' Jack wasn't embarrassed but even Pacey and Jen laughed at that.

'You should forget about crazy women and get a girlfriend Pace. This group is far to testosterony for my liking,' Jen gave him a soft look and he decided she was right.

* * *

Pacey chucked Joey's parcels on her unfinished deck and looked at Bubba who stared back with a mournful expression.

'She doesn't want me to finish and the jack will keep the house stable. The whole thing is rotting and it ain't my problem,' he stared at the dog who whined a little. Sighing he pulled out a treat from his pocket. 'I know, I know. Doesn't seem right to rip the house apart and leave it. And if I don't clear those damn gutters any other work is all for nothing. She's not very nice though. You're nice. The lady - she could do with a few lessons in manners,' Pacey surveyed the mess he'd left. The tools under the tarp and the tarp covered section of the house. The porch was pretty much a skeleton. Bubba whined at him and he rolled his eyes,

'Fine, fine, no need to guilt me,' he shucked off his work shirt and shoved it onto the ground. The day was ridiculously hot and his uniform shorts looked dumb, but still. He rummaged around for the boards he'd cut and marked up for where they'd go, grabbed a bunch of nails and a hammer and set to work on the porch.

When he was done he was practically dying of thirst. He hammered on the door.

'It's a long walk home lady and I'm pretty much dying of dehydration here. I'm going for a swim and if you don't want my death to be your responsibility could ya put out some water on your lovely new porch. Be careful though, it could do with a sand.'

He trudged into the back yard which looked as beautiful as he remembered and stripped off, not caring what she saw of him. The water was refreshing and he swam laps across the creek until his arms hurt from hammering, carrying the wood and finally his lengths. Pulling himself from the water he sat on the dock naked letting the sun dry him before pulling his boxers and shorts back on. He didn't bother with shoes, carrying them to the front of the house for the moment. He was relieved to see the jug of water on the front porch and he sat down on the now stable structure to drink his water and to read the note she'd left.

_I don't know why you came back, but thank you for my new porch. It's very nice. _

_I don't suppose you've ever had everyone know everything about you, everything you'd rather forget. It makes me angry. I should probably have never come back but I had no where else to go. I may have been a little over the top. Life's a funny thing._

He stared at it. It was as if she'd stopped midway through a conversation and he found it frustrating. He grabbed a pen from his bag and wrote back,

_I grew up in a small town where my dad was chief of police. My dad is a violent son of a bitch and he thinks very little of me. I'm the youngest of five and an embarrassment. He never finishes detailing my failings to me and the town in general, so I have an idea of what it's like. Life is funny. I'm here because my brother took pity on me. I fucked up big style. I had a great job in the city and I lost all of my money and everyone else's to. I'm lucky I'm not in prison but technically I did nothing wrong. My dad blames my stupidity. I never wanted to live back in a Podunk town but I like this one. This place is beautiful and living with my brother isn't so bad. I'm trying to match make him with your old friend Jack. My brother is having none of it. He's not been out all that long and he thinks the town would take issue with him being chief of police and openly gay. Yeah, law enforcement runs in my family big time. _

_I'm glad you like your porch. I need the extension cord out of the window tomorrow please._

He stuck the note on the tray under his glass and left after pulling his shoes on.

* * *

He began to return everyday, driving his brother's truck up, delivering her parcels and working for a time on the house, swimming and then heading home. Each day she'd leave a jug of water and a glass but she didn't leave him notes, or respond to his and he wondered why. He drove himself half crazy wondering why. He talked to the dog, loud enough for her to hear bemoaning the fact but to no avail. She was giving him the note silent treatment and it was infuriating.

Time passed and the end of June became July and as instructed by Jen he found himself a girlfriend. It wasn't serious - Audrey wasn't a very serious person. She was blond with great tits and a pretty face. She worked at the bank in town and made no secret of her attraction to him when he came in to deposit his pay cheque. He asked her out and she was thrilled. They had sex that night and it was fun. She had her own place which made life easy, and she got on well enough with his friends. He kept things on a low key basis and he didn't tell her about his work on Joey's house.

'So I have a girlfriend Bubba,' he told the dog as he worked on the tilting side of the house, work that seemed to now involve replacing every board on the whole house. 'She's a bit dippy but she's nice enough...yeah she's pretty. Not as pretty as the lady but the lady won't talk to me anymore,' Pacey looked at the dog who gave him sad eyes and whined, 'I don't know why. Audrey talks to me. She likes me Bubba and I like her enough for the time being...don't be like that Bubs. I had to get a girlfriend. I was becoming a little obsessed with your lady and apparently that's not healthy because your lady is...well she is who she is. So I was instructed to get a girlfriend. I did as I was told...'

* * *

Pacey was hot and frustrated so he began to pack up early. He really needed some help otherwise he'd never get to the gutters, or be finished before the snow came. He wiped his face on his tshirt, unable to deny working on the damn house had given him a nice body. Audrey sure appreciated it.

'Excuse me.' The voice was soft and gentle and he wasn't immediately sure where it had come from. He looked to the road behind him. It was empty. He looked to the house and saw the door was open a crack. His heart rate went crazy and he took a step in direction of the house.

'Hey,' he stated staring at the one, large eye he could see.

'I need some help,' she stated and he frowned,

'What's the matter?' he climbed up the porch steps and stood outside the nearly shut door.

'I...I had a stupid accident and I can't fix it by myself,' she admitted. He absolutely adored the sound of her voice.

'Can I come in?' he asked and by way of answer the door swung inward. He peered into the darkened front of the house. It was old. Bare wooden floors covered in bits of dust and artwork on every wall, all bright swirling colours. He kinda liked it. He looked for the girl.

'I'm in the kitchen,' she stated and he walked through to the back of the house, where everything was bathed in the glorious sunshine. The kitchen was a mess of dirty plates and cutlery. The doors to the back deck had been open for a few weeks now, not that he'd ever approached, and they were wide open today in the stifling heat. He barely noticed any of it because his eyes were fixed on the girl perched on a chair at the table. She was staring back at him with wide eyes, his greedily absorbing every detail of this mesmerizing girl. Beautiful didn't seem like it was an adequate enough word to describe her. When he looked at her eyes he suddenly felt as though he understood the poets he'd hated to study at school, the ones who wrote of love and beauty in prolific and poetic terms. Only for him her eyes flooded him with emotion not unlike when he was driving along a dark road on a warm summers night and his favourite song came on, the song that made him happy and sad all in one go, the song that made his insides constrict and tangle in flood of nostalgia and optimism. Her eyes were big and hazel, with long lashes and arched brows. She took his breath away quite literally, and his mouth gaped as he stared. He couldn't say how long he stood staring at her, nor for how long she stared back, her hair cascading down her back. She closed her eyes and he shook himself,

'You need help?' he asked and she put her right hand on the table. It was wrapped up in a tea towel as a makeshift bandage and when she peeled it back he saw a gruesome cut that spanned from between her thumb and forefinger across the back of her hand. It was large and deep and terribly infected. 'When did you do this?' he asked with a frown but she didn't reply, and he realized it was probably when she stopped writing him back. 'It's badly infected,' he stated staring at the first aid supplies on the table. 'I'm going to wash my hands,' he moved to the old sink and turned on the rickety tap, washing his hands thoroughly with the bar of soap, his eyes on the back of her head. He dried them on his shorts because there was nothing else clean and moved back to the table, pulling up the other chair and sitting beside her.

'May I?' he reached out a hand and she nodded. He placed her palm on his right palm and drew it towards him, ignoring how perfect her hand felt, ignoring how her palm placed simply on his could make his heart pound and his body burn with something pretty indescribable. He focussed on the injury which looked awful. In fact she didn't look so well herself, her skin pale and clammy under her tan. Examining her hand he could see the darkened track of infection climbing from the back of her hand and up her arm, the skin red and hot. He looked up at her, finding her eyes fixed on him. 'I want to feel your head,' he told her and again she gave a nod. He placed his left palm on her head which was burning. 'You must feel pretty bad?' She nodded again. 'I can't fix this for you. It's infected. You'll need drugs,' he told her. 'I can take you to the clinic in town.'

'No,' she shook her head.

'I can bring the doctor to you,' he offered, overly aware of the feeling of her hand in his.

'Can't you just clean it and wrap it?' she pleaded. 'I would have but I'm right handed and I tried but I couldn't get a bandage to stay. I haven't been able to do anything. I don't normally live like this,' she said and he could sense her embarrassment.

'It's infected. You could die,' he muttered staring at her eyes, unable to look away.

'You could ask them for the medicine. You could give me the drugs,' she looked panicked and sick. She was definitely pale in the face and her eyes were huge. He looked back down at the oozing wound.

'What did you cut it on?'

'I was gardening, and some idiot had thrown a can out there once upon a time. I pushed my hand into the soil hard and it sliced it open.'

'The can was rusty and dirty, shit,' he grumbled. 'Are you getting headaches?' he asked and she nodded,

'Terrible headaches.'

'Tetanus,' he stated. 'You could have tetanus and there's no real cure for that. Why didn't you go to the doctor?'

'I don't go into town,' she frowned.

'Well now you're probably gonna die,' he glared at her.

'Thanks for nothing,' she took her hand away.

'We need to go to the hospital. If you get so bad you can't breathe you will die.'

'So you keep saying. You know I know you don't get it. I know I seem crazy but I can't go into town.'

'Then you let the doctor come here,' he urged and she rubbed her head with her left hand,

'Will you come back with the doctor?' she asked and looked at him desperately,

'Why am I ok?' he asked feeling stupidly flattered, practically swelling up like a proud balloon.

'Bubba trusts you. I try and trust you.'

'You don't even know me,' he scoffed.

'You're fixing my house. And I have no money. Unless you think I'm lying? I'm not lying. There's no insurance cheque.'

'I'm not looking for money,' he told her, taking her injured hand back in his, before gently placing it on the table, pretending that each time she winced it didn't make him feel sick.

'I'm not paying you with my body. I don't do that despite what the town folk say.'

'I have a girlfriend,' he told her and she looked down,

'Doesn't mean much. Not to most men.'

'Well it means something to me. Audrey might not be a keeper but she's nice and I'm not into cheating.'

'Audrey. That's a pretty name.'

'She's a pretty girl,' he opened up a tube of antiseptic and smoothed it onto the cut, 'sorry,' he said looking at her tear filled eyes.

'It's ok,' she swiped at the tears. 'Are you in love with her?'

'No,' he shook his head, 'it's hard to fall in love when you don't like yourself all that much,' he put a sterile gauze on the cut and took a bandage from the box winding it carefully around her hand.

'But you could love her?'

'I don't know,' he sat back in his chair and stared at this half feral girl dressed in cut off jeans and an old tank top. 'I don't think Audrey is the kind of girl I'd ever fall in love with.'

'Then why are you with her?' she pulled her knees up to her chest looking more fifteen than the twenty three she claimed.

'I get lonely. The sex is good,' he offered. She nodded, her eyes wide.

'I don't feel so good,' she dropped her feet to the floor and pressed her cheek against the rough pine of the table. 'I might be sick.'

'I can't leave you here,' he stated feeling a swell of panic.

'I can't leave here. Please get help,' she begged but then winced. 'I don't have insurance. I don't have any money.'

'You can deal with debt, but you can't deal with death,' he told her firmly. 'Where's your room?'

'Why? You changed your mind and going to fuck me?' she stared at him, her face squashed on the table.

'I'm going to lay you on your bed so if you pass out you don't hit your head,' he informed her tightly, aware that his body would very much like to fuck her.

'Upstairs,' she closed her eyes.

'I'm going to touch you,' he told her and gently pushed an arm under hers, the other scooping up her long legs under the knees. She didn't weigh as much as she should for a tall girl and was relatively easy to carry up the steep stairs. The upstairs was old and rickety but clean. Her room was a mess and her sheets clearly hadn't been washed for a while.

'It's normally nicer. I haven't been able to clean up,' she defended as if noticing his appraising eyes.

'I'm not one to judge. I'm clean but messy,' he lay her on the bed carefully. 'I'll go straight to town. I don't know how long it'll take to get a doctor here. My friend Jen. She's a doctor. She might come if I ask her.'

'Is she pretty?' Joey asked looking at him from on her bed, her hair splayed around her head. He found it hard to stop looking at her, to stop attempting to memorize every perfect detail of her face.

'She's very pretty,' he nodded.

'What's she look like? What's she like?'

'Small and blond. New York wild child. She's apparently a great doctor but I've never actually used her. Pretty face. Nice blue eyes and a small little nose. She's...I don't know...kinda wise about stuff.'

'Could you love her?' Joey stared at him, her voice sweet but lacking inflection.

'I could love her as a friend. I work with her boyfriend. He's a complete ass but I like him and she loves him.'

'Do you like being a mail man?'

'Yes,' he told her, 'I'm surprised but I do. Do you like being the town recluse?' he was teasing and she took as such, a loose smile on her face,

'Actually I do. People aren't much.'

'Do you have agoraphobia?'

'No. I could leave my house. I do. Frequently. It's people I fear. People aren't very nice.'

'I'm nice,' he stated.

'So far,' she mused.

'Jen is nice,' he attempted.

'So you say,' she shut her eyes.

'I should go. The sooner I go, the sooner I'm back.'

'I feel like I'd like you to stay. I'd like you to lay beside me and talk to me,' she muttered, her eyes still closed.

'I can do that once the doctors seen you and we're sure you're not going to die.'

'Maybe you shouldn't get her,' her left hand grasped right hand, her palm fitting perfectly into his. 'Maybe this is an over reaction. I probably just needed it wrapped.'

'I'm sorry, but you need the doctor,' he squeezed her hand and her eyes opened.

'It feels nice to have my hand in yours,' she stated and her eyes dropped to their hands. She trailed the pads of her fingers over his palm, swirling circles around the callouses he'd got working on her house. It felt hypnotic and sensual and his traitorous body wanted her more than ever.

'That feels nice,' he attempted to say in a normal voice but it came out deep and husky and she raised her eyes to his, a question in them. 'You should stop,' he pressed his other hand to the top her hers and held them there for a moment. 'I'll be back soon. I'll bring you water and a bowl.'

'Ok,' she closed her eyes.

She was asleep by the time he came back up with the water and bowl he'd had to hunt for. He wasted a good five minutes staring at her. She was without doubt the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. She might be strange but she was intriguing. He didn't want to leave he realized. Shaking himself he headed to his truck and town.

* * *

He'd had his work cut out with Jen. He'd tried to explain, explain what Joey's fears were and what she'd done and how it looked. Jen had baulked at the lack of insurance but she was a sweet girl and it wasn't long before she was cancelling her afternoon appointments and gathering supplies from around her office.

'So she asked you for help?' she asked as she stuffed needles into the bag, and various bottles from the cabinet.

'I think she realized she was in trouble. It looks pretty bad.'

'That's a big deal for someone with anthropophobia.'

'Anthropywhat?' he stared at Jen.

'Fear of people. Extreme shyness.'

'She didn't seem shy. She said she just fears people, doesn't trust that they are who they say.'

'If she lived on the streets she probably has good reason. These phobias aren't always the same. I wonder why she let you in?'

'I've been going there everyday for months,' he shrugged, secretly jubilant.

'Call your brother and tell him you might not be home. If she needs to be observed she'd probably be least stressed out if it was you.'

'Ok,' he nodded calling his brother and then Audrey with whom he had a date,

'I don't understand,' Audrey stated bluntly.

'I've been fixing up this lady's house...'

'Which lady? Why?'

'It's a house on my route. She's called Josephine Potter...'

'You mean the mad lady of Capeside?' Audrey began to laugh, 'you're fixing up the house of some crazy lady for what? Is she paying you?'

'Well no,' Pacey admitted bristling at her words. 'But the house was falling apart.'

'You're ridiculous,' Audrey chided, her voice nasty, 'why would you waste time and money on some mad old lady.'

'She's not mad or old,' Pacey stated irritably.

'Oh,' Audrey scoffed, 'oh I get it. She's not old and she has no money. What sick arrangement have you got?'

'It's not like that,' he was ruffled.

'How is it then? And why the hell are you planning to stay out in the woods at some feral girls house?'

'She's sick. Jen said I might need to stay.'

'And Jen can't stay?' Audrey scoffed.

'She's got this phobia thing. She doesn't like people...'

'But you and your cock are fine?' Audrey all but yelled, 'you know what forget it. I can do better,' she slammed down the phone.

'I'm sure you can,' he muttered hanging up the phone.

'Went well?' Jen arched a knowing brow.

'I think we can assume I'm single again,' he told her brightly.

'Come on then,' Jen urged.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys, thanks for the feedback! You guys are awesome. Please keep it up! I love my reviews and I'm definitely going to need to know what people are thinking as this continues. Part 5 and 6 are written but they're...different, so review please! This one is a long one...**

**Thanks everyone,**

**Tab:-)**

**Chapter 4**

They drove the distance in tense silence. Jen tried to start up conversation but Pacey's mind was filled with thoughts of the girl, the way her fingers felt as they touched his palm, that half smile, her bizarrely up front questions. He fidgeted nervously and when they arrived at her house he all but flew out of the car, Jen following him. He saw her eyes looking over the work he'd done and the work he still had to do.

'You're rebuilding the house,' she frowned.

'So it seems,' he nodded, but banged on the door before opening it cautiously. 'I'm back with the doctor,' he called but he'd forgotten Bubba who came careening down the stairs barking angrily and snapping and snarling at Jen.

'Fuck,' she pulled them out of the front door and slammed it in the dogs face. 'I can't go in there,' she shook her head.

'You have to,' he begged. 'Look Bubba's ok. He knows me. Let me sort him out. Just please don't go anywhere?'

'Ok.'

He entered the house and Bubba whined, licking and nosing his hand. He looked around for a leash but didn't see one. He took hold of the dogs collar. 'That girl out there is my friend. She's here to help the lady,' he spoke firmly. 'You **be good**.' He opened the door and Bubba growled but stayed at his heel, 'this is Jen, she's gonna make the lady better. Jen is good,' he patted Jen's arm and Bubba growled again. 'I'm sorry Bubba,' he pushed the dog into the small front room and slammed the door. Bubba lost it on the other side of the door, howling his outrage at being tricked by someone he trusted, throwing his full body weight against the door. 'Let's get upstairs, if that door is as rotten as everything else we don't have long.'

'Ok,' Jen nodded and they hurried up the stairs together. He hesitated at her room, Jen behind him. She was as he had left her, her skin pale and clammy,

'Joey, I've brought the doctor,' he said and she opened her eyes which looked half dead.

'No,' she shook her head and curled up.

'She's right here. I promise you she's nice,' he encouraged.

'I can't trust you or anyone,' she stared at him. 'What have you done to my dog?'

'The doctor needs to see you,' he told her carefully, his eyes greedy to stare at her.

'No,' she all but whimpered turning alarmingly pale, her eyes shutting.

'I think she's passed out,' he whispered.

'That's a good thing dummy,' Jen shoved him aside and moved into the room. Opening her bag she took out a syringe and drew up some medicine, 'it's a sedative so she doesn't freak out. The pain must be obscene,' she muttered jamming the needle into the girls shoulder. Pacey hovered as Jen tsked over the wound, taking samples and drawing her blood. Then she was cleaning it up.

'She may need surgery, though it doesn't look like the infection has gone to the bone, it's hard to tell. I'll clear out what I can, but we need to set up intravenous antibiotics now.'

'Ok,' he nodded, 'what can I do?'

'I need something to hang the bag from. A nail in the wall will do,' she looked around. 'If you can rustle up some clean sheets and a fan?'

'Ok,' he stared at her, 'I don't think she'll be very calm if she wakes up.'

'No kidding,' Jen shot him a look, 'but she isn't going to wake up. Not for a good few hours.'

'Ok,' he edged out of the room. 'I'll take the dog with me.'

'If he'll go. In my experience he'll take your hand off. Leave him,' she urged.

'But the howling?'

'I can deal with it,' she was busy rummaging in her bag.

'Ok.'

* * *

When he arrived back an hour later the house was silent. He carried the clean sheets from Doug's in a bag, and the fan over his shoulder. He'd called at the supermarket and bought a ton of bread and soup. He looked at the open door to the front room and practically flew up the stairs, dropping his supplies.

'It's ok,' Jen stated carefully from where she was still working on Joey's hand. 'The dog and I have an understanding.'

'Ok,' Pacey looked at Bubba said ridiculously close to where Jen was working, his eyes following her every move.

'You find yourself talking to him?'

'All the time,' he acknowledged. 'I'll go get the fan.'

'Thanks,' she nodded.

Slowly they set everything up. A bag of antibiotics hung from a nail on the wall, the liquid dripping into her vein. Jen had set a stash of pain medicines and creams on the bedside table and given Pacey instructions, including when to change her bag.

'If she needs the bathroom she has to carry it,' Jen told him. 'She'll be weak and need you to walk her. If she hasn't been to the bathroom by morning she's probably dehydrated and that will create a whole new set of problems so try and get her to drink. I'll be back in the morning. You hear that dog. I'm coming back,' she narrowed her eyes at the dog, who slumped to the floor. 'Let me help you make the bed around her,' Jen told Pacey. When they were done the difficult task Jen left and Pacey stood for a while staring at Joey.

'I don't think she'd like me staring, do you Bubs?' He asked and the dog growled, 'there's no need to be stroppy. She needed a doctor and you weren't helping. Look, I'm gonna go and do some work. I'll come check on her every half hour. You howl if she wakes up.'

Pacey worked until the sun set, checking every half hour on the sleeping girl. He took her temperature with a fancy ear thermometer Jen had left and it had dropped a little, but she didn't stir. He swam in the creek before Bubba's howling had him stumbling out, pulling on his shorts and running up the stairs dripping water everywhere.

'You're awake,' he stated brightly and she stared at him from her cocoon of white sheets. 'How are you feeling? The doc is pretty worried. She doesn't think you have tetanus but she'll let us know tomorrow. She's worried the infection might be in your bone. You'll need surgery if that's the case, or if it doesn't clear,' the words came out rushed and slightly garbled.

'What?' she frowned, looking stunned.

'They have to take out the infected bone...'

'But it's my hand,' she stared at the pristine white bandage and the drip in her arm.

'Strong antibiotics to hopefully kill the infection,' he explained. 'Jen's going to try and get rid of the infection.'

'I paint. I write. That's how I have any money at all.'

'You sell your paintings?' he perched on the bed beside her legs,

'Yes. I also write agony aunt responses for magazines. The pay is terrible but it's enough,' she shrugged, or tried to but winced instead.

'You should have asked for help sooner,' he told her suddenly angry, 'it was foolish to get sicker and sicker. You seem pretty smart so I'm guessing you knew it was infected.'

'It's not always so simple,' she informed him.

'And sometimes it is. I'm pretty sure you as an agony aunt would have told someone to get help.'

'But that's different.'

'How's it different?' he stared at her.

'Other people can deal with other people.'

'Don't give me that bullshit. We're all weird and fucked up one way or another.'

'Still, most people can deal with other people,' she repeated.

'Apparently you can deal with me,' he bit out, 'so why not deal with me earlier.'

'Because you're so kind and understanding,' she muttered sarcastically. 'I hear all your muttered irritations. I know you think I'm a bad person.'

'Now hang on, I've never said you're a bad person. Ungrateful, occasionally mean, but not bad.'

'It was implied,' she responded coldly.

'Ha,' he laughed harshly, 'it was implied by the hours of time and the stack of cash I spend just to make sure your house doesn't fall down around you. Yeah, I clearly think you're a bitch.'

'Oh shut up,' she muttered. 'I don't know why you do that.'

'I did it because it was gonna fall down and that didn't seem right,' he explained softening,

'No one has done anything like that for me before. That's why you're different. I don't trust you, but I do like you.'

'You're weird but I like you,' he offered up smiling.

'What time is it?'

'Around ten. I have to stay tonight. Jen said you shouldn't be alone, and I need to change your IV bag at some point.'

'Oh.'

'Yeah. You got cushions, anything I can sleep on? I didn't see a couch.'

'You'll have to sleep here,' she looked at the bed. 'Though I don't suppose your girlfriend would like that.'

'I don't think she's my girlfriend anymore,' he'd tried to sound calm but his voice had caught in his throat, his mind on sleeping arrangements. 'Jen is coming early so I can do my shift. You're going to have to trust her.'

'Small, pretty blond,' Joey stated. 'What happened to your girlfriend? You said she had good tits?'

'She does have good tits, but she was shitty about you and I didn't like that.'

'Really?' she looked surprised.

'Yeah,' he shrugged. 'You want something to eat? I have soup. You need to drink as well.'

'I could drink something,' she nodded and took the glass beside her bed with her left hand. 'Thanks for the fan.'

'Jen said it was a must.'

'You changed my sheets,' she took dainty sips.

'Jen said it was a must.'

'You're a strange guy,' she stared at him, openly looking over his face and his body. He liked the feeling of her eyes on him.

'I apparently feel the need to aid damsels in distress.'

'Hmmm. The crazy ex.'

'Yeah, the crazy ex,' he nodded.

'I think I'm a little bit crazy,' she attempted a small smile.

'I should think you're a little bit lonely,' he told her. She reached across and swiped a droplet of creek water from his shoulder,

'You're very wet,' she stared at him.

'Well I was swimming when Bubba announced you'd awoken. I didn't want you to freak out.'

'You thought I'd freak out?' she gave him a haughty little look,

'I thought the chances were fairly high. You passed out. Jen sedated you and did what she could. I think even I'd freak out a little to wake up with that,' he gestured to her arm and the drip, then stared at her and she stared back, a look somewhere between defiant and defeated.

'Did you swim naked?'

'That bother you?'

'No,' she answered and he believed her. 'I usually watch you,' she tilted her head to one side waiting for his reaction,

'Do you?' he found a smirk rise to his face. He was surprised that such a strange girl would amuse him. She wasn't exactly in his wheel house in terms of personality or looks, but there was just something, something he couldn't explain.

'You have a nice body,' she told him bluntly.

'Thanks,' he chuckled. 'Working on your house has improved it somewhat.'

'I want to paint you,' she stated and then looked at her hand. 'Maybe I can just look at you instead,' she pouted and he found it adorable, smiling at her inanely. 'I didn't freak out. Bubba was up here and so I didn't freak out. How'd he handle the doctor?'

'He lost it. I shut him in the room downstairs and I thought he might kill me, but when I came back from getting fans and sheets Jen had him up here with her. He was definitely guarding you but I think he got that she was helping.'

'Really?' she looked surprised, 'Bubba is a pretty good judge of character.'

'Where did you get him?'

'I got him when I was about sixteen. I stole him when he was a puppy. I needed protection,' she said simply. 'Girls on the street are vulnerable. I was done being vulnerable.'

'Has he ever trusted the wrong person?' he asked with interest.

'He's never trusted anyone but you,' she shrugged. 'Though I miss you climbing the tree like a scared pussy cat.'

'It was a matter of self defence,' he grumbled and she surprised him by laughing, a beautiful sound, her whole face lighting up like sunshine through clouds on a rainy day. He loved the sound, loved the look on her face and made a personal vow to make her laugh as much as possible.

'Bubba's a teddy bear once you get to know him,' she smoothed her good hand across the dogs head.

'I know that now. Though I wouldn't want to be hugging him if he had a nightmare,' he eyed the dog but she laughed again and he stared at her captivated. 'You're feeling better.'

'I find you amusing,' she admitted. 'I feel lousy.'

'Drink a little more,' he encouraged and she did. 'I need to eat, I'll help you to the bathroom after that. You have a toothbrush I can borrow?'

'Yeah,' she nodded. 'May I have a little soup?'

'Yes,' he cried far to enthusiastically and she gave him a cynical look, 'yeah, yeah, I'm over enthusiastic,' he shrugged easily, 'but when the lady wants soup, the lady gets soup, and you wanting soup can only be a good thing!' he grinned widely, a grin that faltered as she stared at him,

'I don't know your name,' she stated.

'Pacey. Pacey Witter,' he stuck out his hand and at length she put out hers and took his, only it wasn't so much a hand shake as her holding his hand. He swallowed.

'I've never heard that name before. What's it mean?'

'It doesn't mean much of anything. It was a surname once. I've never been told why they named me that.'

'Your chief of police father,' she mused. 'What about your mother. What does she do?'

'Sit apathetically by whilst my father abused us,' Pacey snarled and then felt contrite, 'though I probably can't complain about an abusive parent.'

'Please do. It makes me feel like less of a freak show.'

'Your dad was abusive then?' he asked and she hesitated,

'He burnt my family alive, I think that constitutes as abuse,' she rolled her eyes, her tone patronizing.

'That counts as murder,' he could be equally patronizing, 'I'm asking about day to day life.'

'Yeah he was abusive,' she admitted, 'he's not a nice man.'

'No. How long is he in prison for?'

'Life. Which is just as well because I'd kill him if he ever got out,' she was cold in her tone and he didn't doubt the truth of her words.

'Did he hurt you?' he asked because apparently with this strange girl, any question was an acceptable question.

'Yes,' she stated. 'Let's have soup.'

'I'll bring it up,' he said and she nodded, finally releasing the hand she was still holding.

* * *

They ate in silence and then he went through the bathroom before helping her to the bathroom. He bashed a nail in over the toilet so she could hang her IV up. She'd laughed at that, called him thoughtful and he'd just about burst with pride. He waited in her room until she called him. Stared at her shelves of books, the paintings on her walls. When she called him he helped her through. She was still unsteady from the sedative.

'I have a headache,' she admitted as he lay her in the bed, the fan blowing cool air on her skin.

'Jen said to take these,' he handed her a couple of tablets which she took with a sip of water.

'Thank you,' she stared at him. 'Are you ok sleeping next to me?'

'I think the more pertinent question is are you ok sleeping next to me? For a person with a self proclaimed phobia of people, you're awfully fine with me,' he watched as her face morphed into a scowl,

'Well at first I was terrified, but then you started climbing the tree and that was more amusing than scary. You scared the crap out of me when you started messing with my house, but I guess I got used to you. I liked your little notes and the way you talked to my dog. You made a lot of assumptions.'

'I did not,' he shook his head but she nodded laughing, then rubbed her head gingerly,

'You called me the old lady so many times I thought you had a personality disorder,' she teased and this time he laughed,

'Well what kinda name is Josephine?' he asked and she whacked him with her good hand,

'Watch it,' she warned.

'Never been fond of your moniker?'

'Not in the slightest,' she admitted, then she narrowed her eyes. 'What will you sleep in?'

'I brought some clothes from my brothers,' he shrugged. 'I'll go change.'

'You brought clothes but not a toothbrush?'

'I was in a bit of a panic,' he admitted and she looked at him.

'Why?'

'Because I was worried about you,' he thought it would be obvious.

'Why?'

'Because...well I don't know. I guess you intrigue me.'

'My sordid past intrigues you?'

'At first yeah,' he shrugged, 'I'm not gonna lie about it. But you intrigue me. You're like this beautiful goddess hiding away in the woods. You had a fucking raw deal. You did. I find you very intriguing.'

'My life is not so interesting,' she sighed.

'I think it is,' he told her honestly, wondering how he could possibly sleep beside this beautiful siren and not touch, or not want to. He definitely wanted to touch her.

'You look tired. Go change,' she told him. So Pacey did as he was told. He returned wearing a pair of pyjama pants and a tank and eyed the space beside her in the bed cautiously.

'Scared I'm going to jump you?' she smirked.

'No,' he huffed slightly.

'Don't worry, I'm attached to this side by my arm,' she shrugged.

'You can turn ok? The nails not too high?'

'It's fine,' she shushed him, 'you've done good.'

'Ok,' he sat on the opposite side of the bed to her. 'Can I read a book?' he asked, 'just for a few minutes.'

'Sure,' she watched him get up from the bed and he could feel her eyes appraising him as he made his selection.

'That's a good book,' she clearly approved of his selection.

'Not what I'd normally choose,' he admitted holding Moby Dick, 'it's all about a big whale right?'

'Read it and find out,' was all she said. Then after a second, 'would you read it to me?'

'Read it out loud?' he scoffed and she nodded,

'I don't know, I mean...'

'What?' she asked.

'I wasn't so good at school,' he admitted.

'You can read though?' there was no judgement.

'Well yeah of course, but I've never read out loud.'

'Try it, just a page,' she encouraged and he nodded,

'Sure,' he took a last look at her and began to read, slowly and steadily, trying not to muck up the words. He finished the page and looked at her,

'You have a really nice voice,' she murmured, her eyes half closed.

'Thanks,' he put the book beside the bed and turned out the bedside light after setting the small alarm clock he'd brought from home. He lay back on the pillows letting his eyes adjust to the moonlight. 'Just wake me if you need anything,' he whispered, 'I mean even if it's the middle of the night.'

'Shush,' her hand landed across his mouth and patted it gently, before sliding down over his chin, across his neck and landing on his chest, half on his tank and half on his skin. Fuck, was really the only word that did the insane situation justice. Her hand burned his skin, everything inside of him wanting more than a hand. At length she curled up and her hand disappeared from his body but it was as if he could still feel it there, lightly on his chest. He would have sworn he was awake for hours, acutely aware of the body beside him, but the next thing he knew he was being ripped from sleep by the shrilling of his alarm clock and the screams of the girl beside him. He bashed at the alarm clock pretty much killing it, but Joey screamed on.

'Hey it's ok. It's me Pacey. The U.S. Postal service guy. The guy fixing your house,' her screams were joined by Bubba's howls and the noise was insane. He took her by the shoulders and shook her gently, 'Joey. **Calm down**,' he used his Bubba voice and she stopped screaming and just stared at him. It was fucking freaky, but he smoothed his hand over her bare shoulder several times. 'You're ok, I promise you're ok. I had to stay, make sure you were ok. My alarm went off. Jen my doctor friend is coming over. You remember?' he stared at her and she nodded.

'It really hurts,' she all but whimpered, her eyes filling with tears.

'I'm sure it does,' he soothed. 'I'll get you some food and some drugs.'

'I can't eat,' she shook her head. 'It hurts too much.'

'Ok,' he got out of bed and moved to her side, sitting along side her legs. He got her a couple of pain meds and fed them to her, holding the glass of water so she could swallow.

'I don't feel so good,' she admitted.

'Jen will be here soon,' he tried to comfort her but she shrunk back in the bed,

'No,' she shook her head, 'I don't want her here. I don't.'

'Well you're gonna have to suck it up. She's a small blond girl - you can take her,' he gave a dismissive shrug and she stared at him for several seconds before smiling.

'You know nothing about phobias do you?'

'I know I hate spiders. I know they scare the crap out of me, but I also know that when I find one in my house I grow a pair and get it the fuck out.'

'Spiders?'

'Yeah spiders. Lemme guess, you think they're cute?'

'Cute no, scary no.'

'But people are terrifying?' he scoffed.

'People do bad things. I've never met a decent human being,' she glared at the wall. 'Except for you,' she amended.

'Yeah, yeah, that's me all over. Mr fucking decent. I screw everything up but I am fucking decent,' it was his turn to glare.

'Decent is pretty remarkable,' she told him softly staring at him with those beautiful eyes of hers and he wanted to kiss her, to throw her back on the bed and peel her clothing from that perfect body, to push his cock inside of her.

'I'm not so decent,' he admitted and she frowned.

'You're not?'

'No,' he stood abruptly. 'Can I shower?'

'Yeah. There's a towel in the cupboard in the bathroom.'

'Ok,' he went into the bathroom, peed and then waited for the shower to warm up before getting in. The thoughts in his head were pervasive and all about her and he was rock hard, so he put his hand on his cock without guilt. It didn't take long but he felt better afterwards. He pulled on his uniform and went in to see her. She was sat in bed, her eyes closed, her face pained.

'Jen will be here at seven,' he explained. 'She's going let herself in.'

'You won't be here?' her eyes snapped open.

'No, I have to work,' he sat beside the bed and she stared at him for a long moment.

'Did you touch yourself in the shower?' she asked and there was no mistaking what she meant, he frowned, 'you seemed tense, angry. I touch myself when I feel that way.'

'You do?' he didn't know what the fuck he was supposed to say, his mind in overdrive in its attempt to visualize.

'It feels good,' she said as if he didn't know.

'You ever have anyone else make you feel good?' he had to ask because she brought up the topic of masterbation.

'People don't make it feel good,' she stated simply, her eyes defensive.

'Then they're the wrong people.'

'You like sex,' she stated knowingly, 'I heard you talking to Bubba about sex with your girlfriend.'

'Yeah I like sex.'

'A guy tried to rape me on the streets. It happened and so I got Bubba. He nearly managed it. I didn't think much of sex,' she was very matter of fact and he was shocked, 'it's ok. I expected it to happen I guess. You try and be safe but when you're a girl all you can do is fight.'

'But still...'

'Don't get me wrong, I'd kill the fucking bastard if I could. I clawed his face to shreds which is probably why he hit me around, but I didn't care. It's not nice to be violated.'

'You said nearly?'

'I was lucky. I wasn't strong enough to stop it. That's why he got as far as he did which was too far,' she scowled, 'I found a bottle on the ground and hit him. He was stunned long enough for me to run. I'm fast.'

'Fuck,' he swore feeling unexpected rage in his veins.

'It was a long time a go. My body is mine these days,' it was a simple declaration.

'Good,' he took her hand without thinking but she didn't seem to mind.

'So did you? Touch yourself?'

'Yes,' he answered honestly.

'What did you think of?'

'You,' he admitted his voice hoarse.

'Sex with me?'

'Yes,' he stared at her, unable to look away.

'Did you fuck me?'

'Yes,' he groaned softly, barely audibly.

'Is this conversation too much?'

'I may need to go touch myself again,' he gave a wry laugh and she tilted her head to one side.

'I've lived alone for eight years and I've never been lonely,' she told him. 'But I look at you and I want to touch you.'

'You do?' he all but croaked and she nodded,

'Would you touch yourself again, here?' she asked it as if she were asking for a ten dollar loaner, or a glass of water.

'You want me to put my hand on my cock in front of you?' he clarified and she nodded,

'Yes,' nothing more, no explanation, no apology for the request. Yeah, she was intriguing.

'I can't, I gotta go,' he stood up, flustered and confused.

'Ok,' she didn't seem put out by his refusal. 'You don't have to touch yourself but please don't go,' she reached out and grabbed his hand. 'You don't understand, I really can't have some girl walk into my house. I can't.'

'Ok,' he caved immediately because she needed him and he liked how it felt. 'I'll wait for Jen. You'll see she's fine.'

'Thank you,' she squeezed his hand. 'Will you read to me again?'

'Ok.'

* * *

Pacey read and read until his voice was hoarse. It was Bubba's pricked up ears that alerted him to Jen's presence in the doorway. Joey's eyes flicked to the door and she squirmed back on the bed looking terrified.

'It's ok Joey. I'm Jen. Pacey told you right? That I'm a doctor,' she said but Joey stared. There was no nod, nothing. Pacey watched her as Jen approached the bed and sat down, talking all the while,

'I need to take a look at your hand. How's she doing Pace?'

'Her temperature went up this morning, and she's in pain. She drank some water but wouldn't eat.'

'Ok,' Jen carefully reached for Joey's hand but she pulled it away. 'Hard way or easy way - it's up to you. I can sedate you and look at your hand or I can look at your hand?' Jen waited and Joey looked at Pacey,

'She's a nice girl. She's a good doctor. You need to let her look,' he encouraged and at length Joey moved her hand in front of Jen who unwrapped it carefully. If anything it looked worse than the day before, to Pacey anyway.

'Ok,' Jen examined everything carefully, then very carefully wrapped her hand back up. 'Joey,' she used her calmest voice and Pacey was impressed, 'I'm concerned that there's been no effect from the antibiotics. You don't have tetanus but I think the wound needs to be surgically cleaned.'

'No,' Joey was adamant and she shrunk back into Pacey as if he would protect her. Again he swelled with ridiculous pride.

'Fine. Die. You'll lose your hand if you wait much longer,' Jen packed up her bag. 'You know Pacey can stay with you in the hospital? He'll look after your dog. You need to get treatment. If it reaches the bone there's next to nothing we can do to save your hand,' Jen waited and watched as tears filled the girls eyes.

'I don't have insurance. I wouldn't have the money...'

'Its been taken care of,' Jen said simply and both Pacey and Joey looked at her. 'I thought you'd need surgery. I've arranged a room for you at the hospital. Access will be limited to the one nurse, myself and your surgeon. There's no charge for any of it. I can sedate you if you want but I'd rather not.'

'I never wanted charity,' she closed her eyes,

'It's not charity,' Jen attempted, 'it's just the right thing to do.'

'It is charity but I thank you none the less,' Joey was practically on his lap she was scrunched so far from Jen, but she felt less tense than she had been. 'And yes sedate me, please.'

'Ok,' Jen nodded.

'You'll stay with me, won't you? Please? I need to know someone is looking out for me. I have to. I just, I can't...I really can't,' her breath rate was increasing, and she'd twisted half onto him, causing her IV to pull tight, not that she seemed to notice.

'It's ok, it's ok,' Pacey was out of his depth but he wasn't one to shirk things that were thrown in his lap, and Joey had thrown herself in his lap. 'I'll stay with you. I will.'

'See Pace will stay with you,' Jen soothed. 'And he's a good guy, he won't go back on his word.'

'How long have you known him?' Joey asked still curled up into him.

'About eight months.'

'That's not long.'

'It's long enough. He's a good guy.'

'How can you know that?' Joey challenged but she was still pressed into his body.

'I've never know a twenty four year old guy who decides to single handedly finance and fix an old ladies house.'

'I'm not an old lady,' she said quietly,

'Yeah but he didn't know that when he started. He didn't know you were young and beautiful.'

'I knew she was weird,' Pacey said boldly and Joey turned to look at him. 'I knew she hid away, but no, I didn't know you were young and beautiful.'

'I'm not beautiful,' she shook her head and looked down, 'I was raised by dogs,' she stated ambiguously and stared at the massive dog who was lying across the foot of the bed.

'The point is, Pacey is a good person. He just is. He couldn't let a house fall down around a little old lady's ears and when he found out you weren't little or old, he still couldn't do it. If you can trust anyone, trust him.'

'Ok,' she nodded and held out her arm. 'Sedate me.'

'Can you come down to the car first? Is there anything you want to bring?'

'Everything is a mess,' she admitted, 'I couldn't cook, or clean up, or wash my clothes. I hand wash everything. I've showered, but nothing is really clean,' she buried her face in her left arm. 'I do take care of myself. Normally I do,' she stated, 'My house is old but clean. My clothes are old but clean. I'm clean. Nothing is clean right now.'

'I'll take a bag of clothes to Doug's and wash it,' Pacey offered and she turned to stare at him,

'You'd take a bag of dirty clothes? My dirty underwear?' she asked and all he could think was that she was blunt, so fucking blunt,

'I'm not gonna examine it,' he gestured, 'just grab a bag together and shove it in the washer.'

'Ok,' she sighed. 'Thanks I guess.'

'I mean it's girls underwear right? That's not gross?' he was suddenly apprehensive.

'No it's not gross. Well it's gross in the sense that it's not clean underwear, but there's nothing terrible.'

'Can I ask you a question?' Jen looked at Joey and she once again shifted into his body, but she did nod. 'Do you menstruate? Bleed.'

'Yes,' Joey appeared unperturbed by the personal nature of the question.

'Hmmm. You don't have your period now?'

'I haven't for a while. I figured it was the stress.'

'Are you sexually active?' Jen asked and Joey shook her head. 'So you couldn't be pregnant?' Again she shook her head.

'Ok,' Jen nodded. 'Pace, let's pack that bag?'

'Sure, sure...' He jumped up and headed to the bathroom where there was an overflowing hamper. He grabbed her toothbrush and then hefted the entire hamper down the stairs and into the back of the truck. Then he went back upstairs. Jen was packing her bag and Joey was slumped in the bed, as far as possible from the blond girl, eyeing her wearily. She looked terrified and as if she were prepared to defend herself.

'You ok to walk?' he asked and she shook her head. 'You want me to carry you?' She nodded. 'Ok girlie, but only 'cause you asked so nicely,' he teased but she didn't smile. He scooped her up under her arms and legs and loved how her left arm wrapped around his neck, her right cradled uselessly in front of her. Jen took the IV bag and they made their way awkwardly down the stairs.

'Can you get her in the truck Pace?' Jen asked and Joey tugged at his hair, her warm mouth right next to his ear, like some crazy sexual assault weapon causing desire to pulse through him,

'Please no,' she whispered, 'before the car.'

'Ok, ok,' he assured her, 'Jen, let's give her the shot before the car. I think she'd be happier,' he offered and Jen nodded.

'Ok.'

* * *

Joey was sedated until her surgery and so Pacey went to work and completed his route. He explained to his manager Mr. Green what had happened and he was surprisingly understanding. Pacey had expected to be in trouble for being so late, but Green said that postal workers were often the first to notice something was wrong with isolated individuals. After finishing his route he called the hospital. She was in surgery but wouldn't be out for a while, so he washed her clothes, bundling them all in the washer without looking at her underwear. He dried and folded it and packed it into one of his holdalls and then called the hospital again. She'd be out of surgery in an hour, and would probably be awake a little while later. He drove to her house and washed up every bowl, every dish, every fork and spoon. He cleaned them all, and then cleaned the surfaces and the kitchen, gathering the waste together and walking up to the main road put it in the garbage cans. Then he got back in Doug's truck and drove to the hospital, heading to the floor he had left her at.

'Is she back in her room?' he asked the nurse at the desk.

'No ones to go in there. We have a list,' the nurse answered somewhat impatiently.

'I'm on the list. I'm probably the only person on the list,' he grumbled feeling judged in his U.S. Postal service uniform.

'Name?'

'Pacey Witter,' he told her and she checked a few things in a file.

'Ok,' she nodded, 'she's still lightly sedated.'

'Ok,' he nodded and feeling sheepish about the flowers he'd picked up half hid them behind his back. He knocked on the door and then pushed it open. Her hand was a massive white bandage, but it looked as though she still had a hand. She still had an IV drip, and a second one. She looked a little less pale, but young and small, despite being as tall as she was. Her eyes were shut and he thought he could stare forever at the crescent shape of her eyes, the lashes splayed across high cheekbones. He moved across the room, cursing his squeaky shoes, and sat in a chair on the left side of the bed, and throwing caution to the wind he took her cool hand. He stared transfixed at her hand in his.

'Pacey,' her voice was a whisper.

'Yeah,' he pressed his forehead against the back of her hand. 'You ok?'

'Not really,' she said and then he heard her begin to cry, soft hiccups.

'Hey, it's ok,' he soothed, squeezing her hand.

'I want to go home. I need to,' she was becoming agitated, her breathing ragged.

'I know, I do,' he reassured. 'I'll go get Jen, and we'll see what she says, yeah?'

'Don't leave,' she gripped his hand. 'I'm safer with you.'

'What are you worried will happen if you're alone? You're in a hospital?' he frowned.

'Not everywhere that's supposed to be safe is safe,' she informed him, her fingernails digging into his skin.

'Ok, I'll press the call button then?'

'Yes,' she nodded.

* * *

They'd managed to save Joey's hand, but she still needed the IV antibiotics. She was suffering from malnutrition and the other bag contained nutrients. They didn't want her to leave the hospital but she was distressed and so after one night of heavy sedation they said she could go home if Pacey would agree to stay with her and if Jen would agree to make daily house calls. All parties agreed. Only Doug took issue,

'What's in it for you Pace?'

'Nothing,' he answered as honestly as he could, 'I like her and she needs help. I needed help and you helped me.'

'Don't lose your job,' Doug warned.

'I won't, I promise,' he attempted to reassure.

'You say that now...'

'Doug it's fine. I've been given a week of vacation time, and by then I'll be able to work.'

'How long are you staying out there?' Doug had looked so serious Pacey had felt guilty. Doug might like his own space but he clearly liked having his brother around, liked it even more when his brother's friend came around for dinner.

'A couple of weeks at least,' he'd shrugged as he packed his bag.

'Are you still paying to fix that house? And what about the medical bills? It's a nice thing to do Pace, but you got your own problems.'

'My labour is free. Most of the materials I've already paid for. She's never asked me to pay for a thing, only asked me to stop. I can't stop, I just can't.'

'Is there more to your relationship?' Doug had narrowed his eyes, 'are you fucking her?'

'No,' he'd been angry at that. 'Can't I do something decent for someone?'

'You want to fuck her though, don't you?' Doug had been angry too.

'This didn't start that way. I felt sorry for what I thought was a little old lady with a falling down house. And this...what I'm doing right now is not about sex, not everything is.'

'You're not trying to tell me it's about love?' Doug scoffed.

'No,' Pacey shook his head, 'it's about friendship and human kindness.'

'Well you've always been good at that,' Doug had softened then and they'd hugged.

* * *

He picked her up from the hospital with Jen, and rather silently they loaded her into the truck, pretty much fully sedated. Pacey drove, Joey between them on the seats, her head on Jens lap.

'You can't expect much from her,' she said at length.

'Huh?'

'Any fool can see you're into her...' Jen began but he interrupted,

'I'm not.'

'You're attracted to her and you've been obsessed about her place, her story, everything for a long time. I see how you respond to her connection with you. You like it. You like her.'

'I like her. That doesn't come with expectation.'

'She's fucked up Pace,' Jen stated carefully, her hands smoothing over the younger girls hair. 'She's sweet. Kinda funny when she gets talking, but fucked up. This phobia won't just disappear. It won't get any better, not unless she wants it to and she gets help. Even with help she might always be the same.'

'I don't know,' Pacey looked at Joey lying sleeping on Jen's lap.

'No you don't, you're not a doctor,' Jen pointed out.

'That's not what I meant.'

'Well what did you mean?'

'Maybe she's not got this anthropophobia. Maybe she's had a really fucked up life. Maybe she wants to be sedated before going into town so she's not reminded of where her family died? Maybe she doesn't like people because they've never been very nice.'

'And maybe you're delusional.'

'Maybe,' he chuckled.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for the reviews you guys! I'll be honest, I don't know where this is going entirely but hopefully you'll all enjoy the journey. I don't think it will be a long, long story but I said that about my last story...**

**Please, please, please review! That was three pleases so you know I need them;-) If you like fast updates (and don't we all like fast updates?) please review. When I'm uncertain of a chapters reception I come to a halt...**

**Thanks, Tab:-)**

**Chapter 5**

Jen left and Pacey got to work on Joey's house, Bubba relieved to have his mistress back set up camp on her bed. Joey slept, she slept the whole afternoon and just when Pacey was about to freak out and use the cell phone Jen had left with him, she woke up.

'Pacey?' her voice calling his name was about the sweetest sound he'd ever heard.

'I'm here,' he practically gushed. If she heard his over enthusiasm she didn't show it, just stared at him before turning her attention to her hand,

'I'm home!'

'Yeah at last. It's going to take a while to heal that hand, and you'll have that drip for a while but you should be fine.'

'Thank you,' she stared at him again, for so long that he grew uncomfortable under her gaze,

'Hey, you know, don't thank me. I'm just the post guy. Jen is the doctor, there's the surgeon as well, I mean they're the ones who you should thank.'

'And I will, but right now I'm thanking you,' she looked at him, again with a penetrating gaze, 'does my thanks make you uncomfortable?'

'No,' he laughed, 'not your thanks,' he stopped laughing abruptly, 'the way you stare at me does.'

'Oh,' she shrugged a little, 'I think you're a rather beautiful man,' she stated, 'I've drawn you lots of times, but never close up. I've never been able to see you close up until now and it's hard to stop looking. I like your eyes, and this bit,' she reached across and trailed her left hand finger tips across his cheeks, and over his lips. His breath caught because though it was a simple touch, though it wasn't sexual, it ignited his desire for her, it spurned on his obsession. 'I like this,' she touched the scruff on his cheeks and chin, the stubble he let grow because he was honestly too lazy to shave every day. Her hand trailed repeatedly over his face, slowly as her eyes took in each hair, each blemish, each freckle, each fleck of grey in the blue of his eyes. His eyes fluttered shut, 'you like me touching you,' she stated and he murmured his agreement, willing his eyes open, whereupon they met hers,

'It feels perfect,' he didn't think that really summed it up but he couldn't come up with a better word. Since meeting this strange girl, words in general had come to feel inadequate. He felt inadequate because he didn't understand himself and his reactions. His reactions in life had to this point been fairly predictable. He was told he was a loser, he behaved like a loser. He saw a hot girl and he tried to fuck her. He wasn't a complicated person, but his emotions about this girl were complicated and confusing, and for once in his life it didn't feel simple or predictable.

'I'm very tired,' she let her eyes fall shut, her hand dropping from his face.

'Can I lie here with you?' he asked and she murmured her assent, so he scooted up the bed resting his head on the pillow, his eyes fixated on her as the sun set, the room gradually turning dark.

A loud grumble from his stomach alerted him to his hunger and he stopped staring and headed down the stairs to make soup with bread and a salad he'd harvested from her garden. He hesitated before cutting a few sweet peas that grew on the porch and putting them in an old jar for her. He put everything on a tray and carried it upstairs.

'Hi,' she yawned from the bed. Her eyes took in the tray and she looked at him,

'I thought you might be hungry,' he offered with a shrug.

'You keep giving me flowers,' she observed.

'I like you,' he told her easily.

'I need the bathroom,' she stated apologetically.

'Ok,' he nodded and put the tray on her dresser, before moving to the bed and taking her IV bags and then sitting beside her on the bed and wrapping his arm around her.

'I feel ok,' she murmured but sort of turned until she was facing him. She leaned forward a little and rested her head against his chest. 'You smell nice,' she sniffed at length. 'Maybe I could have a bath?'

'I'm sure Jen will help you in the morning...' he stuttered.

'I don't want her to help me.'

'Well you can't do that alone. I mean I don't think...'

'I want you to help me,' she smiled. 'I'll pee and brush my teeth, then we can eat and then maybe?' she stared at him and he caved,

'Sure, sure.'

'Thank you.'

* * *

They ate their soup in silence and when they were done he gathered the dishes and took them down stairs, washing them up. He climbed back up the stairs, his mind filled with thoughts of Joey naked in a bath. It was so wrong, and yet he didn't think he was wrong that there was something between them, something connecting them together. He felt it wherever they were together, whenever he thought of her, this warmth, this desire, this spark.

'Still want that bath?' he asked as he entered the room. She was sat in the bed looking sleepy.

'Yes please,' she nodded.

'Ok, I'll go run it. You have any, uh bubbles or stuff?'

'No,' she shook her head smiling at the red apparently staining his cheeks.

'Ok,' he headed to the bathroom and washed out the bath before turning on the water. Without bubbles he'd see everything. He'd see everything up close, those beautiful breasts he'd seen from a distance, between her legs, everything. His cock throbbed. It was so hard it hurt. 'I better hammer in another nail,' he shouted wondering whether he had time to get himself off.

'Hammer is in here,' she called and he adjusted himself and wondered through, snatching it and a couple of nails up, before heading back to the bathroom and hammering one into the wall a little ways above the bath and then a second. He turned off the taps and took several deep breaths - they were fuck all help.

'Ok,' he smiled at her from the doorway looking at her sat on the edge of the bed in her unflattering hospital gown. She still had compression socks on, but she looked painfully beautiful.

'Maybe take these off here?' she waggled a foot.

'They should probably go back on afterwards,' he said and she nodded,

'Ok,' she watched him as he knelt at her feet. The position felt appropriate. She tugged the gown up a little and he swore under his breath, his goddamned hands actually shaking as he took a hold of the top of the stocking, his finger tips brushing the soft skin of her lower thigh. Slowly he pulled it off. It wasn't easy but he was utterly focussed on his task.

'Ok,' he breathed deeply before moving his hands to the other stocking, cursing again as he touched the soft skin, remaining focussed on the task until it was completed.

'You have lovely hands,' she took one with her left hand, and ran her fingers over the backs of his. He didn't know what to say. He desperately wanted to kiss her, but he couldn't and so he sat beside her,

'You ready?'

'Yes,' she stood as his arm wrapped around her, and he helped her through to the bathroom, carrying her IV bags.

'I'll do my teeth first,' she stated and he nodded. Together they did their teeth and then he put both bags on the nails by the bath and then rubbed his sweaty hands on his shorts,

'Ok, so, um, I guess, uh, I'll wait outside,' he muddled through the words.

'I need help with my gown,' she all but whispered, staring at him wide eyed, 'and to climb in.'

'Ok...I'll, uh, try not to look,' he ignored his throbbing cock, and his subconscious which sneered at him.

'I don't mind if you look,' she actually smiled at him.

'Um, ok,' he nodded stupidly and breathed out deeply as she turned her back to him so he could tug the ties of her gown. He tugged the top one which fell open easily, then the middle one, which again fell open easily. The one at her butt was stuck and he struggled to undo it. 'Ok,' he said when he finally unravelled the knot and she sort of scrunched her shoulders so the gown fell forward. His eyes greedily absorbed each inch of tanned skin, from the curve of her ass, to the bumps of her spine, the ribs and those beautiful, delicate shoulder blades. He reached out a hand without thinking and ran two fingers over her shoulder and down her spine. 'Fuck, sorry,' he snatched his hand away.

'That's ok,' she turned then and his eyes zeroed in on her breasts, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. They were perfect - not big, but big enough to fit in his hands, with a pertness that sent a jolting sensation through his body. He wanted to wrap his hands, his lips around them, he wanted to put his cock between them. 'Are they great tits?' she asked with a smirk and he blushed wildly. 'You said your girlfriend had great tits.'

'I don't have a girlfriend,' he half whispered unable to drag his eyes away.

'And?'

'You have amazing tits,' he offered.

'I can't get my gown off,' she picked up an end of it and waggled it to get his attention. The gown was stuck on her right arm because of the wires.

'Oh,' he took the gown and fed one bag and then the other threw the arm of the gown, hanging the bags back up, then the gown on the hook on the back of the bathroom door, then he turned back to her, his eyes falling far lower than her chest. He hadn't seen a natural girl in years and he hadn't realized it would be so fucking hot. He stared, blatantly at soft curls, and the hint of what they hid. He wanted to bury his face there. He swore again, unable to lift his eyes, his hand itching to touch her.

'You keep swearing?' she took his hand and carefully climbed into the bath, lowering herself into the warm water with a sigh, her right hand resting on the towel he'd put on the edge of the bath.

'I find you very attractive,' his voice was so deep it sounded like he'd swallowed gravel.

'That makes you swear?' Her eyes were closed, the ends of her hair wet.

'It's hard not to touch you. Resisting makes me swear.'

'Oh.'

'Being turned on makes me swear,' he admitted, staring at her tits floating in the water, at the dark hair between her legs, at the epic length of her legs.

'Would you help me wash my hair?' she asked as if he hadn't mentioned being turned on.

'Yes,' he watched her sink beneath the surface of the water, the bubbles escaping her hair, before she sat up. He grabbed the bottle of pink shampoo and opened the cap to the smell of strawberries. He squirted a generous amount into his palm and then lathered it into her thick hair, watching the white bubbles cascade over her brown skin. 'I'll, uh, use the shower to rinse,' he mumbled and grabbed the shower head, turning it on and checking the temperature before rinsing. He looked at the conditioner bottle next to the shampoo and squirted some into his palm, smoothing it through her hair before rinsing again.

'I haven't been able to do that properly,' she admitted and because he didn't know what to say he stayed quiet. 'Could you maybe tie my hair back, and then pass me the soap?' she asked and he nodded, grabbing an elastic from beside the sink and wrapping it around her wet hair. He picked up the soap and handed it to her. 'Thanks,' she murmured. He watched as she got her left hand soapy and ran it over her face and in her ears, behind her neck, before rinsing it off. He dipped his hand in the warm water to help her with the bits she missed, sighing and then cursing as his hand brushed her smooth, wet shoulder. She looked at him, her eyes amused, before she picked up the soap and sitting up ran the bar over her chest, her stomach, her thighs and knees, then between her legs. He gulped and remained frozen, still kneeling beside the tub. 'Would you mind doing this arm?' she looked to her left arm and he shook his head, taking the soap from her and soaping his hands, the bar flying from his hands like an oiled puppy.

'Crap,' he muttered but she just laughed,

'Use your hands, that's ok,' she held out her arm and starting at her wrist he smoothed his hands over her skin, rubbing up her forearm, over her elbow, then around her thin upper arm before swooping them over her shoulder and into her armpit, surprised by the fine hair there, not much but not bare. His fingertips felt her ribs and he looked at her, his eyes drawn to hers which were wide and luminous. 'You want to touch my breasts?' she asked in a small voice and he nodded. 'That's ok.'

'Do you want me to touch you?' he asked and this time she nodded, and so he allowed his hand to move from her ribs to the soft, pliant flesh that bobbed ever so slightly in the water. 'Fuck,' the curse came as he trailed his fingers over the swell, grazing the nipple, until they were in the valley between her breasts. He hesitated and then shifted down the bath a little so he could reach both hands into the bath, becoming greedy, squeezing gently, cupping them in his hands and rolling her nipples. He wanted to climb in the bath with her, desperate for greater freedom to move, to get his mouth onto one of those rosy buds, to suck it, bite it, to bury his face in them. 'Fuck,' he groaned, before throwing caution to the wind and leaning over the bath and pressing his face to the softness, his tongue swiping out to glide across smooth, wet skin. He growled in frustration, with the effort of self restraint, and rested his face again. He felt the water droplets as her fingertips threaded their way up through his hair at the nape of his neck. It was an awkward position, and his hard cock was pressed painfully against the side of the bath, his stomach crunched on the edge of the bath, but gunfire couldn't have moved him.

'I think you should help me out,' she said when the water had cooled, and he nodded against the delicate skin of her perfect tits, before pressing kisses to them, his tongue defiantly licking its way around her nipple, before he sucked it into his mouth. She gasped loudly and he pulled back, sitting up,

'I'm sorry...I, uh...I...'

'It felt like your mouth has electricity,' she stated.

'Your whole body hums,' he muttered and she laughed,

'Hey, I just took a bath,' she protested and he laughed as well. 'And the bath is cold, so please help me out.'

'Sure,' he pulled the plug and wrapped his hands under her arms, staring yet again, then helped pull her to her feet. He reluctantly trailed his hands off of her, grabbing her towel and then holding her left hand she stepped out of the bath. He wrapped the towel around her and grabbed the two IV bags. Taking her arm they headed back to the bedroom.

'I'm so much happier here,' she stated abruptly, sitting on the edge of the bed as he hung up the bags.

'I know.'

'You can see the diner from the hospital. Well it's not a diner any more. And I know our hospital is a glorified medical centre, but you can see it. Where they died. I don't go into town because I don't want to see it, not ever again. I know it was a long time ago, but for me it was yesterday.'

'I understand,' he looked at her. She looked young and fragile. Her naked body visible under the towel as she tried to explain, her wet hair straggly, and messy.

'You don't, but I do think you try to,' she smiled at him, or nearly did. 'Would you mind grabbing me a top and some underwear?'

'No, sure...' he tore his eyes from her and moved to her dresser where he'd put her clothes away. He grabbed a tank top and a pair of black panties and hesitantly took them back to her.

'I think I need help,' she shucked the towel from her shoulders and he nodded, picking the IV bags off the nail and feeding them through the arm of the tank, before hanging them back up. It was hard to sort the top out and she laughed at his attempts, a laugh that died as he smoothed the material over her body, his fingers lingering at her waist. 'My underwear,' she whispered and he nodded, opening them up,

'You know normally I'm trying to get these offa girls,' he gave a wry chuckle, as he fed her feet into the correct holes and pulled them up to her knees. 'Ok, you gotta stand,' he stated kneeling in front of her.

'Ok,' she rested her left hand on his shoulder and stood, and there she was, all dark and promising and right there in front of his eyes. He could smell the soap she'd used and he wanted to be closer.

'Ok,' he croaked and moved his hands to the waist of her panties, tugging them up, feeling like his fingertips were on fire as they trailed up her thighs.

'Thanks,' she said simply. 'Forget the stupid socks.'

'No,' he shook his head, 'no way.'

'Your funeral,' she sighed and sat on the bed laying back against her pillows and closing her eyes.

'If you get deep vein thrombosis it might be your funeral,' he quipped and she laughed, though her eyes stayed shut. He sat on the bed at her feet and attempted to pull the first stocking onto her foot. It was apparently going to be impossible and he quickly grew frustrated. 'Fuck,' he grumbled.

'Now I know that's not a turned on fuck, or even a resisting touching fuck,' she murmured sleepily.

'I don't want you to die,' he grumbled the stocking inching onto her leg inch by painful inch.

'No, I don't much want to die,' she agreed after a beat and a million questions swamped his head. Jack said she wished she'd died with her family, and clearly she didn't want to die now. But her life was so restricted, so reclusive, he didn't really understand her adamant desire to not die. God that was awful of him. He definitely didn't want her to die. In fact he wanted her to start living. Clearly he couldn't push her on any of that crap. Firstly it was kind of inappropriate and secondly, she'd only just had a major surgery. So he persisted with one stocking and then the other, before sitting back at the end of the bed exhausted.

'You're my hero,' she whispered, eyes closed and apparently half asleep.

'Mmm,' was all he could manage as he crawled up the bed and lay next to her, staring at her profile in the moonlight. His right hand was curled up under his face but his left hand, it lay on the soft covers between them and he itched to run a finger across the delicate landscape of her face, those high cheekbones, the delicate eyebrows, the large lids of beautiful eyes, that dainty nose and those kissable lips. On closer inspection she wasn't completely perfect. There was still a small scar above her eyebrow, the one that was split open in that fifth grade photo. Her ears were a little big but to have decided that he was being really picky, trying to be, but really they were part of her, and as part of her they were perfect. Just as the scar was perfect. Really what it came down to was, she was physically perfect _for him_. Everything about her body caused his to come alive, to respond in a crazy way. It would be way wrong though. What he'd done in the bath felt like it was taking advantage, even if it had been the hottest experience of his life. She was fucked up, no two ways about it. She had the phobia thing, she had no family, she was a recluse. In fact she was such a recluse she nearly died rather than seek help for her hand. Except she had sought help - _from him_. He didn't know what it meant, this bond between them but he knew he liked it, that he loved her relying on him, seeking help from him, being comfortable with him. But she was fucked up. He was fucked up. He had nothing to offer her and he wasn't sure what she had to offer him, not that she was offering him anything, except her tits to touch.

It was insanity for him to think that the something between them should actually become anything because he didn't want to spend his life in this town. It was better than where he'd grown up, and it was beautiful, his brother was close by and he had friends, but he wanted more from life that a delivery man for the U.S. postal service, even if he didn't know what that something was. Maybe house restoration, he thought with amusement. He couldn't deny that the thought of leaving Capeside made him think of leaving her and that - well that made him feel wrong inside and he didn't know why. Sighing deeply he closed his eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Ok, so firstly thank you for reviews - you guys are awesome! Secondly, please keep it up because I'm really not sure how people are going to take this chapter! It's potentially controversial so I'm interested in the feedback. Please remember to trust me. P.M. me if you want to but trust!**

**So thanks and please review!**

**Tab:-)**

**Chapter 6**

'Morning,' Pacey should have kept his mouth shut because it must be obvious he'd been staring, to say good morning like that, the minute she opened her eyes. Joey didn't seem bothered. She stretched and then yawned, before rolling onto her side and staring at him, 'you sleep ok?'

'Mmm. You?' she continued to stare at him unabashed.

'Yeah,' he nodded. 'You feel ok?'

'My hand hurts,' she rolled her eyes, 'no surprise.'

'Jen will be here soon.'

'Do you have work?' she frowned, looking worried and he smiled widely.

'Nope. I've gotta week's vacation.'

'Really?' her whole face softened.

'Figure I can fix up the gutters and keep you company,' he shrugged.

'Maybe you can go to town and pick me up one of those insanely comfortable garden chairs - you know the really ugly but comfy ones and I can watch you. I'll give you my credit card,' she smiled.

'Maybe I'll pick up two,' he grinned, feeling playful. It had been a long time since he'd spent time with anyone without the need to overthink conversation. Joey seemed to have come out of all her traumas with a very up front disposition and it was refreshing.

'Will you work without your tshirt on?' she gave him a small smile.

'Yes,' he laughed.

'Good,' she stated, again ever so blunt.

'Will you watch without your shirt on?' he asked and she laughed, God but he loved that sound.

'What time is it?'

'8. I'll start work after Jen's been,' he knew she'd be more comfortable with that.

'Thanks. Maybe you can go pick up chairs. I was serious that I want to watch. I can't write, I can't paint, I can't draw, I can't garden - you are my only source of entertainment.'

'Sure,' he nodded and inched a little closer to her, so their faces were close. He could feel her warm breath but it didn't smell bad, he only hoped the same could be said for his. 'You're so unbelievably beautiful,' he half whispered and her cheeks turned rosy.

'I'm not,' she shook her head.

'You are,' he insisted and shifted closer still on his pillow, close enough that their noses were touching, her wide eyes on him. Unable to stop himself he leaned a little until their closed mouths were touching, his lips resting on hers. It was an insane turn on which was ridiculous. His hand found it's way to her hair, messy because they hadn't brushed it after washing it, but he didn't care because his lips were touching hers. He didn't care about anything else on the planet - debt, work to be done, his shitty dad, nothing because his lips were touching hers, and like she yielded some kind of magic, everything else disappeared and no where on earth would ever be as perfect again, no where would feel as right. It wasn't as though they were kissing, no nothing as normal as that, they were merely lying with their lips pressed together. He was so fucking rock hard that a low, rumbling groan escaped before he rolled away and sat on the edge of the bed breathing deeply.

'Are you ok?' she asked.

'Fuck no,' he shook his head.

'You can touch yourself,' she offered softly and he looked at her over her shoulder, her eyes fixated on him.

'You think I want to touch myself?' he asked because that was the last thing he wanted, he wanted her to touch him, he wanted to come all over her.

'I want to touch myself,' she answered simply and his eyes drifted down, until they were fixated on her hand which was down the front of her underwear, moving in a captivating manner. His hand found his rock hard cock of its own accord. He watched transfixed as her back arched and she moaned softly, clearly pushing her own fingers inside of herself. He was so turned on he couldn't see straight and his hand was down his pyjama pants and he was grasping hold of himself, pumping his hand up and down, all the while twisting to stare at her hand, at her face as she came, crying out, her whole body arching before sinking back into the mattress, all the while his fist pumping up and down on his cock, until his hot come was firing onto his tank, and his strangled yell caused her eyes to snap to his.

'Come closer,' she demanded, pulling her hand out of her underwear and looking at him expectantly. He shifted back on the bed, pulling his hand from his pyjamas, aware of his spectacular ejaculation dripping from his tank, onto his pants. She sat up and leaned forward to look at his come - it was utterly erotic despite being quite the strangest thing. 'Can I taste it?' she asked with a small frown creasing her perfect brow and struck dumb, he nodded. She caught some on her finger and put her finger in her mouth, closing her eyes and sucking. Desire surged through him, as her pink tongue licked her finger clean, and he could feel himself getting hard again already.

'I think I like everything about you,' she murmured with her eyes still closed. 'You should clean up if your friend is coming.'

'I should,' he agreed, but he was still close to her and he didn't want to move. Instead he ripped his tank off of his body and lay back on the bed staring at her. She opened her eyes and smirked,

'Effective,' she acknowledged.

'I'm sorry,' he admitted and she frowned,

'Why?'

'It feels...I don't know wrong...' he attempted and she sighed slightly,

'To me it felt very right,' she shrugged. 'I guess I should be sorry. I'll be more... I don't know...normal? Careful? I just thought we both felt that.'

'That wasn't what I meant,' he gaped at her, because he hated the sound of her being more careful.

'It wasn't?' she frowned.

'I don't want to take advantage,' he explained.

'Watching me touch myself is taking advantage?' she asked and he felt flustered,

'If you didn't want me to,' he stated and she smiled then,

'But I did,' she said simply. 'Well I didn't mind. I would have liked to watch you. I've never seen a man do that before,' she didn't look embarrassed but then her face fell and a look of realization crossed her face, 'oh I understand,' she bit her lip.

'Huh?'

'When you say you're worried about taking advantage you mean because I'm not all there. You think I'm a vulnerable person.'

'Kinda,' he admitted despite how much he hated to hurt her.

'I don't know how I feel about that,' she said, as Bubba's ears pricked up and he growled low in the back of his throat. 'I think your friend is here.'

'She's fine Bubba. Remember that. Jen's here to help the lady,' Pacey said and Joey glared at him. 'Sorry, I guess I called you that for a long time.'

'Hello,' Jen's voice called and she appeared in the doorway to the bedroom, her eyes widening at the sight of Pacey's topless body. Pacey for his part flushed, feeling as though he'd been caught doing something dirty and wrong, and feeling bad about making Joey feel bad about herself. Jen's eyes roved across him and he stood abruptly, pulling a tshirt from his bag and pulling it on. 'How are you feeling today?' Jen was looking at Joey, sat on the edge of the bed. Jen had clearly noted her clothing - just a pair of panties and a tank didn't make him look good, not to mention her crazy hair.

'Ok. In pain,' Joey answered and she looked uncertain. She sifted towards him and then looked at him, apparently uncertain and stayed where she was. 'I'm in pain and I'm confused. I don't know what to think of myself right now.'

'Now I'm confused,' Jen said gently with a smile, hunting in her bag for a syringe and drawing up something into it. 'This is for the pain. It will help.'

'Thanks,' Joey watched as Jen pressed the needle into her arm and injected the liquid.

'Now about not knowing what to think of yourself, what did you mean by that?' Jen took Joey's bad hand and slowly unwound the bandage.

'Pacey considers me vulnerable,' she frowned.

'And you don't?'

'I didn't.'

'You are a vulnerable person,' Jen concurred, 'you suffered a tragic event and you somehow survived alone...only you know where and how. You now live without contact with anyone else. You have a fear of people. All of that makes you vulnerable.'

'Oh,' Joey thought for a while as Jen examined her wound, Pacey standing by the window self consciously. 'That's not how I see it.'

'How do you see it?' Jen asked, rewrapping her hand.

'I didn't have the best start and I was a vulnerable kid. When my family was killed, well the pain of something like that is indescribable. You shut off really. I didn't want to have survived. Those years were tough, I won't lie and again I was certainly vulnerable. But vulnerability only lasts as long as the person is exposed and out of control. The minute I started to take control of my life I wasn't vulnerable any more. That's how I see it. I chose to come back to Capeside. I chose to apply for the job that would give me a life I wanted. I choose not to associate with people because usually they make me feel bad about myself. I may say I fear people, but really I fear people making me feel worse about myself than I already do. I fear their ability to make me vulnerable and so I've stayed away. I don't consider my success a vulnerability - I consider it evidence of ingenuity.'

'But it isn't entirely normal,' Jen said and Joey glared at her,

'And who sets the standard of normality? I know what people think of me, I'm not stupid, I guess I'd just never considered that it might be true. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am vulnerable. All I know is that since I moved back here I finally felt like I was no longer vulnerable. That I was in control. In charge of my body and my soul. Isn't that strange? That my version of safe and in control is everyone else's vulnerable?'

'Maybe we're wrong,' Pacey offered and she looked at him for the first time since she'd realized what he really meant, her eyes lingering on his.

'Maybe you are,' she agreed. 'How is my hand? Pacey helped me take a bath last night, but I kept it out of the water.'

'Oh,' Jen nodded, 'nice of him,' she shot a knowing glance to his side of the room, 'it looks good, better than it did and it looks like we got all the infection, for now anyway. I have to be honest - your recovery isn't going to be fast. It'll take a while.'

'Oh. Will I be able to paint again?'

'Are the paintings on the walls yours?'

'They are.'

'Hopefully. I can't say how much control you'll get back. We had to take quite a lot of muscle and there was quite a bit of tendon damage.'

'So I should practice with my left hand,' she looked down. 'I need to get back to work.'

'I'll write you a letter for disability, at least for a month.'

'No,' Joey shook her head. 'I can type with my left hand, it's ok.'

'She's an agony aunt,' Pacey filled in and Jen smiled.

'That's a cool job. I always used to write in to them.'

'Did they reply?'

'No,' Jen mused.

'My editors send them over. That's some of the mail I get,' she looked at Pacey. 'A lot are emailed now as well. I have so many to pick from, but I try and chose the ones that strike me as real.'

'You should consider a break. I think the meds will make you dopier than you realize.'

'I have a bunch of letters in reserve. I'm ok, honestly.'

'Ok. I will be back tomorrow. Walk me out Pace?' Jen looked at him sharply and he nodded, leaving the room silently on Jen's heels.

'What the hell?' Jen asked staring at him as they stood by her car. 'I'm serious.'

'Whatever you think, you don't have a clue,' he returned staring at the ground.

'I had Audrey turn up at my office in tears, crying about you fucking around and I assured her it wasn't like that, except it is.'

'I'm not fucking her. And Audrey ended things.'

'She was pissed Pacey. Understandably. Normally there's something more definite than that when a relationship is over. But I guess it really is over. I wasn't born yesterday and you're fucking that girl. And after I warned you!'

'I'm not ok,' he glared at Jen, 'I'm not.'

'So what the hell is happening?'

'I don't know,' he threaded his fingers through his hair. 'Honestly I don't. But I haven't thought about Audrey. I can only think about _her_, and it's fucked up and stupid, and about the worst thing for me right now.' He pressed his fist to his head and Jen softened,

'It's not the worst thing in the world to be attracted to a girl. I'm pretty sure she's attracted to you.'

'But it's wrong. Like you said, she's vulnerable. And this isn't attraction, it isn't about fucking around.'

'It's about love?' Jen seemed sceptical.

'You love Drue,' Pacey defended, 'he's not everyone's thing. She's not unlovable. She's sweet and funny, and fucking blunt, but I like it, I like her. It's not love. I don't know, it's something.'

'Something?' Jen looked offended, her tone scathing.

'I like Drue Jen, but you know he can be an ass,' he offered with a hand to her shoulder.

'Fine,' she nodded grudgingly. 'Now what do you mean by "something"?'

'I just...I can't explain it ok? It just is something. I want to fuck her, because I'm obsessed. But surely it can't be just that? I don't know, maybe if i slept with her it would get her out of my system.'

'So go fuck her and find out, hopefully get rid of it,' Jen suggested rather coldly and he frowned at her,

'You're meant to be compassionate?'

'It's hard to be compassionate when all I see is pain and anguish for my friend because he feels something for a girl who isn't normal, who won't be able to give back in the way he deserves. And what about her? Maybe you should just end this obsession so at least you're approaching this objectively and not with your dick.'

'Who knows what the hell I deserve, or want?'

'You want my opinion?' Jen asked and he nodded, 'she's beautiful and you're thinking with your dick. I don't think she's a bad person, she's pretty sweet and I like how blunt she is, but you keep saying you want more than Capeside. That girl is never going to be more than Capeside. You mess around with the emotions of this and you'll mess with her and maybe destroy her in the process. Maybe you should get it out of your system and then leave her be. Maybe that would be kindest.'

'You really think that?' Pacey asked, 'that it would work like that?'

'I've done that before. Sometimes when you can't stop thinking about a person, you can have sex and then you just don't want them anymore. At least then you'd know you're helping her because it's the right thing, rather than because you want to screw her. And you wouldn't start spouting crap about feeling _something_ and _love_.'

'That's fucked up.'

'You're fucked up,' she shot back.

'Fine,' he smiled at her wryly.

'Go get laid Pace,' she muttered against his chest as he pulled her in for a hug. 'I'll see you tomorrow.'

'Sure,' he shook his head and headed back inside climbing the stairs slowly as he turned Jen's words over in his mind. It would be nice to have space in his head back. To be able to think about something other than her. If it got rid of all the monumentally stupid chemistry between them and allow them to be friends - it was a good plan. Good plan or not, getting to the point of having sex seemed impossible - their sexual interactions were far too bizarre and she held all the cards. He reached her room and stared at her from the doorway, his body clenching with need at the sight of her.

'Hi,' she looked at him, her expression strange.

'Hey,' he stared at her, his eyes roving up and down her - god but he'd like to have sex with her.

'You can,' she whispered and he frowned slightly unsure of what she meant until she pushed her underwear down with her left hand exposing herself to him. She pushed them to her knees and then used her feet to push them off, his eyes riveted at the juncture of her thighs. 'If you want to. Your friend said you should,' she spoke softly but not nervously and he should have paid attention to more than what he was which was everything between her legs. His cock responded to the sight immediately and it urged him to take her up on her offer, to drive into her hard, repeatedly and fill her with his come.

'Shit, fuck, crap,' he growled taking a step in her direction.

'Get me out of your system,' she encouraged widening her legs and his desire was so strong it felt primal, hedonistic, fucking animalistic. He desperately, _desperately_ wanted to. 'I'm wet,' she pushed her hand between her legs and rational thought fled his brain, everything seeping from his grey matter except for the drive to bury himself between her legs. He didn't think any longer, just climbed onto the bed and shoved his pyjama pants low enough to get his cock out and then shoving her hand roughly aside positioned it between her legs before pushing forward with a grunt of approval. It felt good, it felt better than good and his whole body sang its approval, as he pushed in and out of her at a punishing pace, driving himself as far into he as he possibly could, his mouth clamping down on a pert breast through her tank. He didn't think about her enjoyment, not once, he was too all consumed with his own desperation, his own greed to squeeze and touch and pound and make his own, until he could feel his orgasm coming, his balls tightening painfully, until he was ramming into her hard and crying out, his hands under her ass holding her to him. He collapsed on top of her, his whole weight, his breathing erratic until he began to come down, his head beginning to clear and he realized just what the fuck he'd done. He hadn't even used a goddamned condom, just pushed inside of her and taken, taken, taken. He felt ashamed, he felt like a lowlife, like the very worst kind of man. He pulled away from her, unable to look at her, shifting himself out of her, off of her and to the edge of the bed where he pulled up his pyjama pants abruptly.

'And just like that I'm out of your system,' she whispered and without looking back he headed downstairs and to his brothers truck, heading away, away from that stupid house and the siren within it, away from what he'd done.


	7. Chapter 7

**Ok, so I think a lot of people didn't know how to take the last chapter but please trust me and remember:**

**1/ Pacey isn't in a good place. This is not happy go lucky Pacey but one who's messed up and is full of self hatred. **

**2/ Joey, despite all her issues is actually happier with who she is. **

**3/ Trust me...it isn't a story unless there's a story...**

**Just some food for thought! Thank you for letting me know what you think!**

**Please keep reviewing - I need them more than ever. I knew not everybody would like what I did but then when people said so I had a bit of panic and self doubt so keep letting me know what you think...I take it on board and it feeds into the story for sure!**

**Tab:-$**

**Chapter 7**

'Pacey?' his brother seemed surprised to see him in the police station wearing a tshirt and what looked like jeans over his pyjama pants, and Pacey could have wept with relief at the sight of him, 'what's the matter? What's happened?' He stood and shut the door to his office and then sat on the edge of the desk. Pacey strode up and down unable to speak, unable to put into words what he'd done.

'I've messed up again,' he ran his fingers through his hair, 'I've really, really screwed up. I mean worse than before...worse than anything before...'

'What have you done?' his brother didn't seem perturbed particularly.

'I...I...' he resumed his pacing, feeling his heart race, feeling his stomach churn with disgust at himself, 'I...'

'What? Stop pacing and talk,' his brother demanded calmly.

'I couldn't help it, honestly I couldn't but I should have.'

'Helped what?' just a note of impatience.

'I was like an animal, not thinking, not acting calmly, nothing...I just took what I wanted,' he knew he sounded crazy but he felt crazy.

'What are you saying here?'

'Joey...I...'

'I think you need to be clear here Pace, about what happened?' Doug looked entirely unamused.

'I had sex with her,' he spat out, 'primal, desire driven sex.'

'Consensual?' Doug clarified and Pacey understood why his brother would ask, he was asking because Pacey wasn't entirely sure.

'I don't know,' he felt tears spring to his eyes.

'You don't know?' Doug all but exploded, 'I think it should be pretty fucking obvious.'

'It should be. It has always been, I have never ever done anything against a girls will...'

'And you thought you'd start with the most vulnerable girl in town?'

'I've never lost control, never ceased to think...' Pacey knew he was crying.

'What happened? Why?' Doug was pleading now.

'I'm not myself with her, or I'm more myself, I don't know. I've never wanted anyone so much and she told me to take her, told me I could. She showed herself to me and I lost it Doug, I did.'

'So it was consensual,' Doug seemed utterly relieved.

'But i didn't think about her. About what it might do to her. I thought about what I wanted. I didn't even try to make it good for her.'

'So let me get this straight - you're in here, a complete mess, because you had sex and it was so good for you, you forgot to make it good for her?' Doug looked pissed off and Pacey struggled to explain,

'I...Jen told me to sleep with her and get her out of my system, to sleep with her so I could think, so I could be less obsessed. She heard me. She heard and she's got a different way about her. She told me I could, she stripped off her underwear and told me to do it and I did. I did.'

'And?'

'And what?'

'Is she out of your system?' Doug arched his eyebrows and Pacey shook his head, 'Jen strikes me as a smart girl but that was godawful advice.'

'The thing is Doug - I feel like scum. My head was filled with her, filled with wanting her and yet I didn't think of her once, I became selfish, entirely selfish.'

'What did she say to you? When it was, uh, over?'

'Nothing. I left.'

'Wow, way to keep it classy,' Doug shook his head.

'This girl has been through crap Doug, like serious crap. I...well I feel like it wasn't the right thing to do.'

'Leaving after wasn't the right thing to do,' Doug told him calmly. 'You clearly have feelings for this girl, feelings of some kind. Whether it's love, or like or simply pity, I don't think running away ever made things better.'

'But if I hurt her, if I...took what she didn't really want to give...'

'She can tell you and you can say sorry.'

'I should go,' Pacey stood uncertainly. 'I need a few things from town.'

'Ok,' Doug nodded. 'Sure.'

'Thanks Doug.'

'You can thank me by giving me Jack's number,' Doug looked sheepish and Pacey found a smile inside of him,

'Sure,' he hugged his brother impulsively and grabbed a pen before scrawling Jack's number on a pad on s brothers desk.

'Go fix this. It's the only way you'll feel ok.'

'Ok,' Pacey backed out of the office and headed down the street, fretting internally. Spying Jen's office he headed inside.

'I need to see Jen,' he stated to the receptionist.

'Dr. Lindley is in with a patient so you'll have to wait.'

'I'll wait,' he sat on the edge of a chair, his leg bouncing up and down, as he tried and failed to suppress his nervous anxiety, his eyes fixed on the door to her clinic room. When it finally opened and Jen appeared with a little old lady, saying goodbye politely and reminding her to keep her fluids up in the heat. 'I need to talk to you,' he burst out as the old lady headed for the door.

'I have patients Pace,' she chided softly.

'Please,' he begged and she nodded at length, gesturing him into her clinic room with a bob of her head.

'What's the matter? Is Joey alright?'

'Your advice blows, like really stinking, blows,' he dropped into the patient chair and rubbed at his eyes before looking at her.

'I'm confused.'

'I had sex with her. I went back up stairs and she'd heard every word of our conversation and she said I could, that I could have sex and get her out of my system and so I did.'

'Pacey,' Jen sounded appalled and impressed all in one go. 'I didn't mean quite like that.'

'Well that was what I fucking did. I...' he broke off shaking his head in disgust, 'she said I could and instead of saying no, instead of recognizing that she's injured, and been through a lot, I screwed her like I was some animal and then I left, because I'm such an idiot, such an inappropriate fool.'

'You haven't done anything wrong,' Jen rubbed his shoulder, 'do you feel more rational about her? Is your head less foggy and singularly focussed?'

'No,' he shook his head, 'she's all I can think about,' he cursed under his breath.

'So what did she say after?'

'Something about being outta my head. And I said nothing.'

'Pacey!' Jen chastised him and he felt it keenly. Shifting uncomfortably, he knew Jen's disapproval was about to grow,

'She's, uh, not having periods. Could she get pregnant?' he asked and Jen looked appalled,

'You are kidding me right now?'

'No,' he shook his head, 'I've been sleeping with girls since I was fifteen and I have always worn a condom, every single time.'

'Of course she could get pregnant. Even worse she could have a disease. Condoms are for more than pregnancy you idiot.'

'Oh god, I could have a disease. I hadn't even thought of diseases. What do I do?' his heart hammered painfully against his chest and he couldn't ignore the sick feeling in his belly, the churning mass of nausea that kept threatening.

'You're an idiot,' Jen glared at him. 'I can't believe you didn't wear a freaking condom!'

'No. I didn't think, I just took what I wanted,' he dropped his head into his hands.

'I can give you something for her to take,' Jen said at length, 'the morning after pill. Didn't she say anything about it, you know like, put on a fucking condom? Oh my god, maybe she wants you to get her pregnant,' Jen's face was a mask of horror,

'No,' he shook his head, 'not that she had a chance, she told me I could have sex with her, pushed off her underwear and I think I went crazy. She wouldn't be on the pill would she? Do you think she has some awful disease? Oh god,' he felt tears well up in his eyes and he couldn't think of the last time that had happened.

'I think you should be talking to her instead of me, and you can of course get tested. Thing is Pace, chances are, if you haven't got her out of your head, then you want more than just sex, or even if you don't want it, it already is about more than sex. She can tell you if you have anything to worry about. But you need to get a grip Pacey. I'm shocked at you.'

'I'm shocked. In all my years of screwing up like dad told me I would, this is about the stupidest thing I've done.'

'Look, give me a second,' Jen headed out of the room, returning a couple of minutes later. 'Condoms,' she handed him a bag. 'And these tablets. You better get her to follow the instructions completely.'

'I will,' he nodded. 'Thank you. Really.'

'Pacey,' Jen hesitated and he looked at her expectantly, 'maybe it wouldn't be so awful if you did like this girl. She has issues absolutely, but she's pretty, funny and she seems nice - well to you anyway. I think I could like her. I just think you have to have realistic expectations before you're all in...'

'Before?' he interrupted sceptically, 'I think before was a long time ago.'

'So what are you so worried about? If you actually like her, what's the problem?'

'Being all in when she's not. Getting hurt. Hurting her. Where on earth it could go, what on earth it could become? I mean it's insanity, right? Fixing her house was the first step down this insane path, but what? Falling in love, being with her? I don't know her Jen. And what would it ever really be? She's half wild, and I don't know...I don't know whether I could do it...'

'Pace, love finds us in strange places. It just does. Look and me and Drue. Stop stressing over how you do and don't feel, and just feel. Stop worrying about where it may or may not go, because you'll get there in the end.'

'Finally some decent advice.'

'Here's some more - stop being a chicken and go face the music.'

'Fine,' he grumbled, and pulled her into a hug, 'thank you Jen.'

'What are friends for?' she hugged him back.

* * *

Pacey approached the house cautiously, the large, heavy box he was carrying awkward but efficient in hiding him. Bubba barked a couple of times from the kitchen as he dumped the first box on the back deck. He opened the door and the dog ran out into the garden enthusiastically. Pacey returned to the truck for the next box, and then back for the next. Then he set to unpacking and building.

It was a good four or five hours before he was done. He stood back and looked at the porch swing. It was awesome. It wasn't ugly, but a beautiful wooden thing with cushions of epic comfortableness. He'd had to drive a bit to find the large hardware store nearer Boston but it was worth it. Apparently the thing was damaged and if you looked closely you could see the dents in the back but he thought it looked great. It suited the beautiful back garden. Nervously he headed into the house and got a glass of water before wiping the sweat from his face and chest with his shirt. With a glance at the clock he made a couple of sandwiches and put them on a tray, before heading back into the garden for some sweetpeas. Then, with great trepidation, he climbed the stairs. He looked into her room and she was lying on the bed pretty much as he'd left her and his heart stuttered, or felt like it did. Her hair was still a mess, and she was still half naked. Her face was peaceful and she had a notebook open beside her in which she was doodling with her left hand. She looked at him,

'Hi,' she said simply, as if she wasn't half naked. She looked surprised to see him, but then again he'd been working around the back of the house and perhaps she'd thought he was gone for good. He wanted to say something but he just couldn't say anything, not when she looked like that, so open and honest, so entirely exposed and so he moved to her chest of drawers and got her some underwear and a pair of sleep shorts.

'Here,' he fed her feet into them, a task she helped compliantly with, apparently unaware of the dizzying sensation touching her, being near her in general caused in him. Then he helped her on with her shorts. 'I got you a present,' he all but whispered, aware of her appraising eyes on him.

'I thought you'd left,' there wasn't a single note of accusation and it filled him with contrition.

'To go get you a present,' he half lied.

'Why?' she sounded confused.

'Because I'm sorry.'

'Why?'

'I was...awful,' he admitted sitting beside her legs on the edge of the bed.

'When?'

'When I fucked you like I did. I...just...' he looked at the wooden floorboards unable to continue he was so repulsed with himself.

'I told you to do it,' she said it as if it were so simple. 'You had my permission. You wanted me out of your head and I willingly complied. You've done a lot for me Pacey, and I didn't like the idea that it was all tied up in some need to have sex. It felt better to clear that aside. I wanted you to do that. I said you could,' she reiterated like it was so simple.

'Yeah, you did and so I did it - without thinking, without care, I just did what everyone thought I must be doing, and I was so adamant this wasn't about that and...'

'It's ok you know,' she spoke softly. 'It was nice.'

'Was it?' he turned to her sceptically, only to find her eyes soft and filled with warmth,

'Yes,' she actually laughed, 'it was nice to be wanted that much by someone like you. Someone so healthy and whole. Someone I admire. Someone I like.'

'That was a good experience?' he felt bewildered.

'It wasn't sexually gratifying if that's what you're asking,' and there she was, as blunt as ever, 'but you wanted me and I don't think that want was entirely physical. Even if you think it was. You know, because of who you are and all you've done for me, in my mind it was special.'

'Special,' his mind rolled the word around, before he hit on the next thing, 'but it wasn't, you know, sexually gratifying?' he asked.

'It felt nice, really nice, and it was very nearly... _gratifying_, but you left,' she shrugged. 'I didn't mind that I didn't come. So did it work? Did it achieve what you hoped it would?' she looked so optimistic for him that he felt like the very worst kind of person.

'No,' he shook his head unable to take his eyes off this wonderful, beautiful, amazing girl.

'Oh,' she sat up, moving to the edge of the bed next to him and took his hand, threading her fingers through his. The gesture surprised him entirely because it felt so natural and normal and yet special. What shocked him most was the feeling of swirling anticipation in his stomach, the feeling of fluttering that he'd heard described as butterflies. He'd never felt that feeling in a good way before.

'I...uh...I didn't use protection,' he admitted because he was owning up to stuff and she deserved to know.

'You were in a bit of a hurry,' she said and he laughed a little,

'Yes. Jen gave me something for you...you know so you don't get pregnant.'

'Ok,' she nodded, 'I'll take it.'

'The other thing is more awkward...really I can say to you that I've been safe one hundred percent of the time.'

'Oh, you mean diseases. You're worried I might have given you something?' her eyes widened a little and so he tore his eyes from her face and stared at their entwined fingers.

'Yes,' he admitted. 'I feel crass even mentioning it, but I just can't stop freaking out...'

'You can,' she said and he looked back at her. She looked defeated, like she might cry and he didn't really understand why.

'So you've been safe? No drugs?'

'No drugs,' she shook her head, 'no men.'

'What do you mean?' he frowned thinking the straight interpretation of that must be wrong.

'Just that, no drugs, no men, no chance of diseases. Well unless I have hep b from the unsanitary places I've lived, though surely they tested for that? I don't know. I've never done anything risky.'

'Is that a lie?' he asked because he couldn't fathom what she was saying. It didn't sound plausible, especially given her past, or what he knew of it.

'I had a boyfriend once, but it wasn't sexual. I was young and my family had been murdered. We were together due to proximity, but he wanted me to do drugs, it wasn't a sincere relationship, and I wouldn't do them - I ran,' she hesitated, clearly caught between irritation at having to defend herself and the desire to defend herself. 'That guy who tried to rape me. He put his hand inside of me, and he tried to do more. He was rough and awful and disgusting. He wasn't the worst. Men have tried to take advantage whenever they could, it felt like wherever I went for help men would push it, and I saw plenty of girls turn to prostitution because the options weren't great, but I wouldn't do that. I had Bubba and he kept me safe.'

'Men tried?' he asked, his voice hoarse.

'You know, expected me to suck them off, put my hand on their dicks, tried to take advantage, put their hands on me, but I can scream loudly and I bite hard.'

'I assumed...I guess that...'

'That I've slept around? I don't like people Pacey. I don't like being around them.'

'You just...you seem so sexually confident,' he attempted,

'I told you before, I'm in charge of myself now, and I got to know myself. I know what I like and what I don't like. I like you. I like your body and when we're together, I feel...alive I guess, so to me it didn't seem so wrong to have sex. It was on my terms. Someone like me doesn't get a fairytale. Or maybe I do, maybe you're my fairytale,' she shrugged.

'But you offered to let me fuck you like it was no big deal?' He couldn't seem to process her words fast enough because he was such a jumble of raw emotions, but was stuck on the virgin thing.

'I never said it was no big deal,' she rolled her eyes and he squeezed her hand which was still entwined with his. 'You're a nice guy from what I know of you. You're nicer to me than anyone ever has been, the nicest person I've ever known, and I know you weren't expecting anything in return. You didn't want to have sex with me because you were fixing my house. I think you wanted to have sex with me because physically we have chemistry, because for whatever reason I'm stuck in your head. I knew what it was for you and I knew what it was for me and I was good with that.'

'You're telling me you were a virgin? That's the honest to god truth? Because you told me up front that you lie. I'm not mad. It's my fault, I just want to know,' he felt a strange mixture of bubbling panic and swelling pride. Panic because of the situation and pride because of how she thought of him, because he was the nicest person she knew. His brain was bursting with confusion.

'I do lie. But you'll be able to tell - they're usually more elaborate, like Bubba the trucker.'

'You being a virgin seems pretty elaborate,' he admitted and she sighed,

'I suppose it does,' she said simply. 'I think I feel like going downstairs. I need to go outside.'

'So what, there's nothing more? No more to talk about?' he felt frustrated.

'I'll take your pills Pacey. I won't have your baby so you'll be free to go. As for diseases, I've told you the truth - it is up to you whether you believe it or not. I imagine you'll get yourself tested all the same.'

'Sure I will,' he admitted, 'it's the responsible thing to do.'

'It is,' she smirked. 'Would you help me downstairs?'

'Sure.'

'Look Pacey,' Joey stared at him as they stood, 'you don't have to stay. I can probably manage ok. Or I can try. I think I might be able to deal with Jen coming. You know if I take deep breaths and Bubba is with me. You don't have to finish the work on my house either. It's ok. You can just go back to delivering my mail.'

'I told you that having sex didn't work,' he spoke harshly and felt a fresh flood of guilt at her wounded expression. But as he stared at her eyes, at her lips, all he wanted to do was kiss her, but he couldn't, not after everything that had occurred. Even though not kissing her felt like drowning in air. 'You're still all I can think about.'

'Ok,' she shrugged, 'but it's your choice. I don't want to keep you here if you don't want to be here. Go if you want to go. You gave me the hell I needed so go if you want to.'

'Ok,' he nodded. 'Not yet.' She smiled at him,

'Will you bring our sandwiches back downstairs?' she asked and he nodded.

'Sure, if you can manage your bags,' he grabbed her IV bags and handed them to her and together they headed down the stairs. He led her onto the back deck unable to hide his excitement and pride, 'for you,' he gestured to the beautiful swing seat, with its plump cushions and the extra bright throw cushions he'd bought, putting the sandwiches down on the table he'd also bought.

'Really?' she looked at him stunned, her eyes wide and her body tense. 'I can't pay for this.'

'It's a gift,' he said.

'You can't. Not the house and this, no,' she shook her head.

'Do you like it?' he asked figuring she'd never had a gift all about her before, or maybe at all.

'I love it. It isn't at all ugly!'

'Ah, but it is extremely comfy. Come see,' he tugged her over and watched her sit down. 'I put in a couple a nails for your bags,' he hung them up, looking at her, watching her eyes follow his every move. 'What do ya think?'

'I think I love it,' she touched the wood clearly marvelling at it. 'Why would you do this for me?'

'I didn't treat you very well and when I saw this I could picture you on it.' The problem was he could picture her anywhere, at any moment, his mind constantly buzzing with her and nothing but her.

'You keep saying that you didn't treat me well,' she frowned at him, curling her feet up under her. He sat beside her,

'Joey, a guy shouldn't treat a girl like that during sex, or after sex...or have sex because he's trying to get her out of his head.'

'I don't feel like you treated me badly. I'm sorry that you do. I'm sorry that you're telling me it was something bad when it felt like something good and positive to me. I do get lonely you know, and it's horrible that my fear of people beats my need of people. I crave the human touch like anyone. That I have let you into my life so easily scares me because it makes me vulnerable to hurt, but it also pleases me, because maybe time does heal. Maybe one day I can have the life I used to dream about. You know apple pie in the oven, kids in the yard, a loving husband, functioning friendships. Maybe my kids can be popular, have friends, do well in school - smell clean. I'm not saying with you!' she clarified hastily, 'I'm really not crazy, but for years I've resisted contact and with you it's not just bearable, it's nice,' she looked at him from her perch on the new seat, her large eyes looking even bigger in her face. It seemed she'd lost weight, but he couldn't focus on that, only on his body's insane response to her, his overwhelming desire to please her, to make her life better.

'Here,' he handed her the sandwich he'd made which she took. They ate in silence, Bubba at their feet, the only sounds coming from the water and the woods around them. Joey stared off towards the water as she ate, taking small half hearted bites, her back resting against the wall of cushions. Pacey ate staring at her, at her plump lips and that pink tongue which would lick away crumbs left behind. 'Do you want me to brush your hair?' he asked and she turned to him and smiled, it was dizzying to have it turned on him like that.

'Do I look like a scarecrow?' she asked and he nodded. 'Sure, if it bothers you.'

'It doesn't bother me but you may end up with full on dreads. Do you want dreads?'

'No,' she shook her head.

'Then I aughta brush the eggs outta that nest.'

'Really? You make it sound like I have lice. Believe me I'd know if I had lice.'

'Ok, so it was a bad analogy, but you know,' he shrugged, surprised to find himself smiling especially considering how distraught he'd been.

'I really wish I could draw right now,' Joey stared at him and he smiled. 'I want to draw your smile,' she reached over and pressed her fingertips to his lips.

'I can get you your stuff,' he offered, his voice gruff.

'Would you?'

'Sure,' he smiled at her.

'It's not my sketchbook upstairs but the one in the front room I want. It's inside the table drawer. There should be a board and some pencils too.'

'Ok,' he nodded, keen to escape from her lest he behave inappropriately yet again, because he couldn't stop thinking about her. Worst of all he couldn't stop thinking of the moment he pushed inside of her, of his body pounding into hers.

He headed into the house and went straight to the front room. The room had little more than the desk in it and an old lamp. There was a bookshelf which looked like it had paints and canvases on it. He pulled open the rickety drawer and pulled out the top book. Underneath were lots of loose sheets of paper with drawings on them, some in pencil, some in charcoal, all of different plants. They weren't exact or anything, but they were beautiful in their slightly abstract nature, especially a couple which contained a small burst of colour. He looked at the sketch book in his hand, his mind flitting over her words, the moment when she'd said she had drawn him tons of times. Without hesitation he flicked it open on the table.

It was true that she'd drawn him, but really it was just his body parts to begin with. Just his jaw line, or his elbow, his knee bent as he squatted to examine something low down on the building. There was even a picture of his ass, sort of floating in mid air with only vague lines to indicate the rest of his body, even if his behind had a lot of detail. She'd tried to capture parts of his face, but clearly hadn't liked them because they were crossed through. What she had captured was the position of his body as he sawed wood, or hammered boards, or sat slumped under the cherry tree with Bubba. Swallowing the large lump in his throat, a lump caused by he didn't know what, he headed through to the kitchen with the sketchbook, a pencil and her box of charcoal. He headed onto the deck before hesitantly handing them to her, the lump still thick in his throat.

'Thanks,' she smiled and took them. 'Did you look?' she asked and he nodded.

'They, uh, made me feel all weird inside,' he admitted, moving around and sitting beside her.

'They're not very good. People aren't my strong suit in art or life,' she mused wryly.

'I like them,' he said simply.

'I want to draw all of you, but it's your hands I want to draw most,' she admitted. 'You have such beautiful hands,' she reached across with her left hand and trailed a finger down the back of his hand, looking at it as if it were the most special thing she'd ever seen. His body felt like it hummed, like his inner soul was trying to burn through his flesh and skin to throw itself at her, to mix and meld completely and irrevocably, which was a terrifying concept.

'I should, uh, get you water.'

'Ok,' as always she seemed unperturbed by anything he did. He stood abruptly and headed inside getting her a glass of water. He put it on the counter and jogged up the stairs fetching a hairbrush from the counter in her bedroom, before heading out onto the back deck with both the hairbrush and water. She was sat with her sketch pad open, a blank sheet before her and a pencil in her left hand.

'I'm pretending I'm drawing,' she said by way of explanation.

'Bad time to unknot your hair?'

'Oh no it's fine,' she smiled and shuffled forward slightly. 'Can you fit?' she asked and he nodded, sliding his body behind hers, each leg stretched out alongside one of hers. Everything inside of him yearned to wrap itself around her, to pull her close to his chest, and to press his nose against the skin at her neck, to breathe deeply and never stop doing so. To smell the scent of home on her skin and die a happy man. He couldn't decide if this madness, this hedonistic and inexplicable turn of his life was love or his penis deciding what he should do. Given his hormonal reaction to every little thing this girl did, it were incredibly likely that he was thinking with his dick and it wasn't love. But that didn't explain why her voice soothed him and excited him, why he wanted to know what she was thinking the whole goddamn time. Normally girls never seemed to tire of telling him exactly what was on their minds, and he hadn't usually loved it, but now he was desperate to know.

'You ok?' her voice sounded concerned.

'Mmm.'

'If you're not going to brush can I lean back? I'm tired,' she yawned and he pressed his face against her back in defeat, sniffing indulgently, his hands gripping the curves above her hipbones. He wanted her, wanted to claim her as his and for the life of him he didn't know why or how it had come to that. Irritated with the fabric of her tank he pushed it aside and allowed his hands to slide onto her smooth as silk skin.

'Why did you decide to fix my house?' she asked at length. 'Nobody is that selfless, so why?'

'Hmmm,' he didn't feel like talking, more sitting in the indulgent manner he was, his nose and now his lips pressed to the bumps in her spinal cord, his brain just about singing with joy at his decision to hold her close.

'Pacey?'

'I don't know when I lost myself but I did,' he sighed against her back. 'Maybe I never had myself to begin with, but since I was a boy I've grown into this person who flourishes at failing. Failed love affairs, failure to meet parental explanation, failure at work, friendships...and it's funny 'cause I've always thought I have it in me to be a decent guy. I've always stood up against wrongs, loved people fiercely but I've continually let people down, been a disappointment.'

'You said it's hard to fall in love when you don't like yourself very much,' she said carefully.

'I did,' he breathed hot air onto her back and pressed his lips to the fabric. 'I've become the person I was told I was. I am a loser, a quitter, a no good waste of space. I guess when I saw the damage to your house I thought I could, I don't know, reclaim my soul, so to speak.'

'Reclaim your soul?' she pressed her back against him and he moved his face so her back was resting against his chest, his face now pressing into the space between neck and her shoulder, a much better spot because there was skin, beautiful warm skin.

'How can I ever become who I want to be if I keep being the person they all tell me I am. I have it in me to be a good person Joey, I'm sure I do. I have to believe that I do. I thought that, I don't know, with every board I replaced, every nail I hammered in I could some how reclaim my life, become that person I used to think I was. It was selfish really, this unselfish act of mine.'

'And self deprecation would become a sort of self reclamation?' she asked.

'Something like that,' he moved his hands until they crossed over the front of her stomach and squeezed gently. 'Lemme brush your hair,' he removed his hands with a sigh because the world felt better when she was in his arms. He took the brush and slowly and steadily brushed the knots out of her hair, surprised at how many there were, and finding the job surprisingly enjoyable, therapeutic even. Eventually her hair fell in a smooth sheen of mocha waves down her back. He ran his fingers through it several times. It was warm and felt like silk. He closed his eyes, the lids burning bright red in the sun and in a half sleep his mind began to wonder, flashes of his body between her thighs, the sound of her laugh, Bubba growling and snarling at him, pushing his cock inside of her, those perfect breasts filling his hands, his mouth biting down on a rosy nipple. It had felt good - to have her offer herself to him and to take for once in his life, but the subsequent guilt was awful and he loathed it. Loathed that she made him lose control - that he had sex without a condom! He was already half hard but the thought it all made him harder, which made him annoyed at himself because he ached to be inside of her again, to have her warmth enclose him. It was all fucked up because the last thing he wanted was to be trapped in Capeside working as a mailman, to spend his whole life in the local bar with Drue and Jack, weekends on the beach and living with a half feral weird girl in the woods. He wanted to do something with his life, not get this reclusive girl pregnant. He was so stupid, so fucking stupid.

'I've gotta go,' he stated abruptly and pushed her forward, extricating himself.

'Ok,' she nodded with a frown.

'Don't look at me like that,' he stared back at her and she bit her lower lip looking like she might cry. The thought of her crying was horrendous, 'I've just gotta go before I do something stupid.'

'Like what?'

'Fuck you again,' he told her bluntly and she nodded, her eyes filling with tears.

'Would that be terrible?' she asked her head tilting to one side.

'Yes, it would be terrible. Don't you get it? I don't want this. I don't want to be attracted to you, I don't want to like you. I was trying to do a nice thing but I don't want all this,' he gestured to the house and to her. 'I want to get out of this town, move back to the city. Become someone who's worth something.'

'I understand,' she nodded and her passivity made him pissed,

'You understand! Hell, even I don't understand. What the fuck was I thinking? I screwed you without wearing anything. That's the most monumentally stupid thing ever,' he glared at her, watching as she struggled to hold in the tears, 'hey, it's not...aw come on,' he melted at the sight, every instinct resisting her distress.

'I'm ok,' she shook her head, 'I'm not good with people, so don't worry. You go.'

'I have to Joey,' he looked at her, and taking her hand, 'otherwise instead of becoming a better person I'm going to spiral down into that person they all think I am.'

'I get it I do. I'm nothing to be proud of.'

'That's not what I meant,' he struggled with the compacting emotions.

'It is and it's ok,' she sat in front of him, her tears swallowed back inside, 'it is what you meant. Getting me pregnant, or worse choosing to stay with me is not a life to be proud of. Some backwards girl who lives in a shack in the woods and can't deal with people...you're right, I am a disappointment and if you're trying to prove something to yourself and others, I'm not going to help, so you should go.'

'I want you so much I can't think, I can't think about anything but you and it's utter insanity. I feel like I've gone mad because you're in every bit of my head and I can't...I can't fall in love because this isn't what I want.'

'Why mention love?' she gave him this look and it broke his heart and infuriated him all at once, because it both indicated that she didn't feel what he did and the fact that this infatuation of his might be one sided made it all feel worse and his go to method for dealing with "worse" was anger.

'Because what is this?' he glared at her.

'I don't know,' she curled up into the couch and Bubba sat at her feet in alert pose. 'You're my mail man. You deliver my mail and for some reason you decided to impose yourself in my life uninvited. I didn't ask you to fix my house, to come here everyday, to write me notes and charm my dog. I didn't ask for any of it.'

'But you did ask for help,' he accused and she looked away from him and across the creek. When she finally spoke again her voice cracked with each word,

'It's the story of my life you know?'

'What is?' he bit out and Bubba growled at him, his ears back against his head.

'Whenever I've asked for help...it ends like this. Recrimination, accusation and being left for not being good enough.'

'It's not that you're not good enough,' he attempted but it didn't come across right and she gave him a scathing look.

'You know I had dreams for my life too? They weren't anything big. I dreamed of being happy. It just goes to show that _you_ don't understand how awful life can be despite what you think because you strive for more than just that.'

'Look, I'll make sure Jen keeps coming over, ok?' he had to go or he'd cry, or worse beg her to let him stay forever.

'Ok,' she nodded tearing her eyes from him and looking at the creek. He couldn't pretend he didn't see the tear track down her cheek, nor could he deny that the sight physically hurt him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks guys for sticking with the story. This chapter doesn't have a whole load of conflict which will probably be welcome;-) I think we have a couple more parts left, so enjoy. **

**Oh, and please, please, please review! Thanks:-)**

**Chapter 8**

Pacey stared at his hands on the steering wheel of the truck. His knuckles were white and his breath was coming in short rasps. He wanted to go back. He wanted to run back but he knew he needed to go, if he wanted more than a life in some small town he had to go, and that was what he wanted, he was sure of it. Fighting back his distress he started the truck and reversed out heading for the main road.

* * *

'Pacey!' Jen seemed shocked to see him enter the bar.

'It's lover boy!' Drue trilled before Jen elbowed him sharply shutting him up.

'I think I owe you a thank you Pace,' Jack stood and wrapped an arm around him. 'Your brother called me!'

'Nah, nah,' Pacey shook his head, feeling out of sorts to be there but knowing he had to face the music - with Jen at least, make sure Joey was looked after. He couldn't stand the thought of her being forgotten, of something happening and no one knowing.

'What's up with you man? You're all stiff and anxious?' Jack ruffled his hair and Pacey tried to laugh, but really he just felt like crying.

'I need to, uh, talk to Jen.'

'Nah, the lady's mine,' Drue pulled Jen onto his lap, and smothered wet kisses up and down her neck.

'I can't stay at her house any more,' Pacey stated because he had to say it and what did he have to hide - these were his friends. Drue stopped kissing and looked at him, they all looked at him.

'You didn't do anything did you?' Jen asked clearly anxious.

'He just wants outta the woods,' Drue rolled his eyes. 'She's beautiful but batty,' this time Drue focussed his eyes on his nose turning him cross eyed. Pacey felt furious at the insinuation,

'She's not crazy,' he growled, 'she's just her own person.'

'I don't know Pace, man. She's been through a lot but I'm not sure she's, you know, normal, and I have very loose definitions of normal,' Jack didn't say it like Drue but it still made Pacey angry,

'Everyone she has met since you kept her out of that fire has used her, judged her, and tempted to abuse her. Even I have treated her poorly. Everything she does is for her own self preservation and good on her,' Pacey glared at the other three.

'She had to be sedated to come into town,' Jen offered gently. 'We understand. To go anywhere she has to be sedated...'

'I know,' Pacey sat down on a chair.

'So if it's not because she's crazy, why did you leave?' Drue asked. 'She refuse to put out?'

'Drue you're my friend, so please shut up before I punch you,' Pacey glared.

'He's right - you're being an ass,' Jen extracted herself from him and Drue looked contrite.

'He's an ass, but it's a fair question?' Jack looked at Pacey.

'I left because I'm an ass too. I left because I like her too much. Because what I want for my life isn't here in this town.'

'Where is it?' Jack asked with a frown.

'I don't know but I'm sure it's not in Capeside working as a mail man,' Pacey attempted, and cursed under his breath because everything made him think of Joey, including thinking of his job, which made him think of whoever was covering his shift, of Bubba and of Joey, hiding away.

'Ok, let me rephrase that - what is it? What is it you want for your life?' Jack stared at him.

'I want to stop fucking up. I want a good job, nice friends, a successful life. You know, a wife and kids one day I guess,' he shrugged because he'd never been asked to put it into words before.

'Way I see it is you have a good job, I sure as hell hope you have good friends...and what is a successful life? Really man?' Jack looked pissed and Pacey didn't understand why. 'Are you saying Drue and I are losers? Because we don't aspire to be elsewhere? We have the same job, the same friends but we're not moping around about it. What's your problem? What is this thing you aspire to?'

'You're not losers. You're not living with your brother because you lost a fuck load of money.'

'You paid that off thanks to your brother,' Jack pointed out. 'We all celebrated.'

'And then you started frittering away all else you earned on the hermits house,' Drue put in. 'Maybe success looks a little like financial management skills,' he gave him a haughty look.

'I don't know what success looks like but this was supposed to be a stop gap, something to get me on my feet,' Pacey attempted.

'I get it,' Jack frowned, 'you think what you were doing before was better than this. You think this isn't enough, I don't know, that people won't think you're a success. Probably your dad. You want to marry a doctor, or a model or someone who'd impress your dad. Someone better than Joey.'

'You can't blame the guy,' Drue surprisingly defended at the same time as Pacey protested,

'No.'

'As far as I can tell your father is a bastard. He's treated you like shit for your whole life until you've felt like a shit and now finally started acting like one.'

'Because he doesn't want to fall in love with a half feral crazy girl?' Drue defended.

'Don't call her **that**,' Pacey all but yelled.

'Oh don't yell at him. I wanna get something straight,' Jack stared at him angrily, 'you think Capeside is beautiful and the people are nice. You're always saying so. You have a good job with a boss who thinks you're the best employee he's ever had. You have friends. Good friends who like you a lot. And then there's the girl. She's the only thing in this whole scenario you could possibly think would offend your asshole father. My question is, why are you so worried about what your father thinks? He's never worried about what you think. You think he'd see the presentation of a beautiful girl as your significant other as evidence of failure? You think you'd care? I mean really,why would you care? Why? Why would you care what he thinks? So she's a little different, who the fuck cares if _you_ like her, if she makes _you_ happy.'

'I do not care what my father thinks of me,' Pacey growled, 'and everything you say is right,' he shook his head because Jack was right, 'you see you think I'm running away because of who she is, but that's because you haven't known me long enough to know that I run away, I _always_ runaway, because I'm not good enough. Oh I make excuses, talk about what I want, what my life should be like, I even convince myself it's about my success but that's all to hide the truth. I run away from things because _I'm_ not good enough.'

'Bullshit,' Jen glared at him.

'I'm sorry?' Pacey was surprised.

'Bullshit that you're not good enough,' Jen looked like a firecracker about to explode. 'You're the most decent guy I know. You're kind, you're funny, you're caring and if anything is wrong with you it's that you care to much.'

'But I was so wrong to do what I did,' he claimed, feeling distraught every time it crossed his mind.

'Pacey, quit it,' Jen shouted, 'that's over with and it wasn't the tragedy you suggest it was.'

'What did he do?' Drue asked.

'It doesn't matter,' Jen shot him a vicious look.

'It does! What did he do?' Jack asked with a clear defensiveness, of Joey, Pacey presumed.

'I slept with her,' Pacey admitted and Drue laughed, whilst Jack looked confused.

'Why's that such a terrible thing? I mean, you clearly like her?' Jack asked the questions with such frankness that Pacey's heart elevated a little.

'You haven't seen her in a long time Jack,' Jen stated softly, 'she's vulnerable.'

'She doesn't like that word,' Pacey found himself saying, Joey's face flashed into his mind, not the one that had been there since he'd left, her face with a tear track on it, but her face when she laughed. 'She said it made her feel good, that I wanted her so much. She said she didn't feel vulnerable but was glad to have done it on her terms. She said she didn't expect a fairytale, but maybe I was hers.'

'Then what the fuck is your problem?' Jack asked and Pacey looked to Jen,

'What he said?' Jen gave him a wide eyed look, 'she wasn't mad or upset with you?'

'No.'

'You should go back,' Jen stated decisively and Pacey narrowed his eyes, unsure of everything all of a sudden. 'You're scared because you feel something. What does anyone want out of life 'cept to be happy?'

Pacey stared at her, his mind swirling and his stomach heaving. He was such a screw up, even when he was trying desperately not to screw up, but maybe, just maybe he deserved happiness. There was no guarantee that Joey would bring happiness, but his whole body sang with approval as his brain admitted that being with her felt amazing. He didn't know what it was, why she seemed to bring him peace but he was infatuated, and he supposed infatuation and love were a lot alike, at least at first. She was beautiful but it wasn't just that, he knew deep down it wasn't just that. He'd been obsessed with her story since stepping foot in Capeside ten months earlier. He'd sucked up every bit of information anyone had sent his way and after Jack's revelation he'd only grown more intrigued, more singularly focused on the house by the creek and it's occupant. He'd loved the notes, looked forward to them even though they mostly frustrated him because he wanted more. And a few days ago he'd got more. This heavenly voice had asked him for help and he'd been invited in. The second he entered her world he'd been entranced, captivated - enthralled even. In certain moments he wasn't sure he'd ever felt so completely right in his life. That it didn't make sense, that he found himself ludicrous didn't change those emotions. He wanted to somehow put it all into words, these sudden realizations but he didn't have any and so he turned and headed out of the bar, to his brother's truck and back to Joey's, his heart breathing a rhythm of happiness, a staccato beat of joy.

* * *

It was pitch black when he pulled up at her place, the moonlight creating dappled shadows through the trees. The house was dark, and foreboding somehow without a glow, or even a bark from Bubba. Hesitantly he headed over the worn gravel and onto the front porch and knocked gently. He didn't want to startle her if she were asleep but he couldn't just walk in, not after how he'd left things. Bubba didn't bark on the other side of the door and so he knocked again, but with no sound from within the house he tried the door - it was locked. He was relieved in a way, that she'd keep herself safe by locking the door, but if she wasn't going to answer it made things trickier.

'Joey,' he called her name through the mailbox, but it echoed in a house that didn't just seem sIlene, but empty. He frowned feeling a sort of sick feeling of misgiving gnaw at him and checked his watch. It was midnight. Finding his way carefully in the dark he made his way around the building. He could see the outline of the new swing seat on the back deck and he could almost see her lying on it asleep, but when he climbed the steps the swing seat was empty. He sat on it for a moment, running his hands over the cushions which were cold to the touch. His heart began to race as the tendrils of panic curled and whispered around his consciousness. Standing decisively he moved to the kitchen door, surprised to find it open.

It took him two minutes to ascertain that the house was empty, and another thirty seconds for him to erupt into a full on panic attack about it. Locating the backpack of clothes he'd left behind, he rummaged for the phone Jen had leant him and then finding her number rang her.

'Pacey? What's the matter? Is something wrong?'

'She's not here,' he half shouted, surprised at the gruffness of his voice, the evident panic.

'What do you mean?'

'I mean the house is empty and she's not here. Neither is the dog.'

'That doesn't make any sense?' Jen sounded bewildered. 'She's hardly going to go for a hike in the woods with her arm in that condition, not to mention it's dark and she has two IV's in the arm. That makes no sense. And she wouldn't go into town?'

'No...you saw her...' Pacey sat on the swing seat. 'I mean she freaked out at the thought.'

'You need to call your brother,' Jen stated decisively.

'I should?' Pacey felt so overwhelmed with worry that he found he wasn't actually functioning, his breath rapid and his mind spiralling down every horrific possibility.

'Yes. They need to keep their eyes open for her, look for her. She's vulnerable and not just because of that arm...'

'There's that word again,' he spat, standing and striding up and down the deck.

'I'm not going to lie to make you more comfortable.'

'So call Doug and then what?' he all but hissed, wishing he'd never left.

'Then do what he tells you,' Jen told him firmly, 'are you ok?

'No,' he shook his head, 'not at all.'

'Well I guess that answers how you feel.'

'Guess it does,' he concurred but knowing how he felt was no real solace at this moment of uncertainty, of potential loss.

'Pacey, let me know ok? What Doug says, all of it. Ok?'

'Sure,' he hung up and tried to calm his breathing, before dialling his brothers cell.

'Doug Witter?' Of course Doug didn't have the number stored of a spare phone of Jen's.

'It's Pacey.'

'Well thank fuck for that,' Doug sounded utterly relieved and Pacey was momentarily thrown. 'I have Joey here.'

'Here, where's here?' Pacey was already walking to the truck.

'She turned up at the station looking for you. She was in a bit of a panic so I bought her back to our place. She's, uh, in your room. The idea of you seemed to calm her down.'

'Why the hell would she? What is she doing there? I don't understand,' Pacey's head hurt with a jumble of questions, the possibilities, all of it.

'She's ok, much calmer. Though maybe Jen could visit? I don't know. You come here and I'll call Jack. He can talk to Jen.'

'Ok,' Pacey nodded, chucking the cell onto the passenger seat and peeling away from her place faster than his brother would approve of.

* * *

He made it back to Doug's in a matter of minutes, and didn't even bother to lock the truck, merely ran through the front yard. Bubba stood to greet him with a soft bark, pushing his head up into Pacey's hand.

'Why'd the lady go find Dougy, huh?' he asked as he pushed open the front door, defiantly allowing the dog entry.

'You're here,' Doug jumped up from his seat in the living room and met him in the entryway.

'Why? I don't understand why she'd do that,' he felt like a fool with a limited repertoire of questions but he didn't have more to offer, not until she was ok.

'She was looking for you. Said it was important,' Doug shrugged. 'She's really beautiful Pace,' he sounded kinda wistful and full of softness, as if Joey were a baby, or a flower or something unique and fragile, something special.

'Kinda beautiful that gives you those butterflies you're always going on about,' Pacey admitted and Doug surprised him by patting him on the back.

'She seems sweet,' he stated.

'She wasn't...you know, freaking out?' Pacey frowned.

'She was clearly uncomfortable Pace, taking deep breaths and she was shaking, but we talked a little. She thinks the world of you.'

'I'm sure that's not true,' he shook his head, giving an internal snarl at himself.

'Oh it is,' Doug stated strongly. 'Look go in and see her. Jen is heading over so if you want a private moment it's now.'

'Ok,' Pacey nodded and made his way upstairs and to his room. The door was open a crack and he could see her sat on his bed, her bags hung onto an old fashioned coat stand of Doug's. She took his breath away. Somehow she always managed to do that. He's think he had her fixed in his head, that he was somehow aware of how beautiful she was, but then she'd be there in front of him and he realized he'd been crazy to think that the image in his head did her justice. Every single thing about her appealed to him. He liked her height, her tits, every single thing about her face, her arms, even her feet which were honestly a little big. He didn't care, he liked it all.

'Joey,' he said her name and she looked at him, flushing slightly.

'I hope you don't mind that I sought you out. I know you wanted to leave and I guess...you know, not come back...'

'I went back,' he admitted and she looked surprised.

'You did?' she sounded so unassuming that he had to move closer, sitting on the bed beside her legs.

'I did, and you weren't there. I kinda freaked out about that.'

'Why did you come back? You seemed so sure that you wouldn't be back,' her eyes were wide and he stared at the irises, looking at the almost Amber colour next to her pupil, then the green and the grey that spread out like a beautiful flower. They were hypnotic.

'I was wrong,' he said and reached for her left hand, placing it on his before laying it back on the cover uncertainly. But then he couldn't leave it alone and so leaning over her slightly he trailed his finger along the lines on her palm, up the length of each finger.

'You were?' she closed her hand on his fingers and he sighed with relief.

'I was. You were right.'

'How was I right?' she laughed a little and his heart melted right there and then, every part of it probably dripping onto his other organs.

'I want to be happy. That's my goal in life too. I want to be happy, more than anything and so I went back to your house.'

'My house makes you happy?' she narrowed her eyes at him, and he caught the glint in them,

'You make me happy,' he clarified with a smile of his own.

'Well you don't know me that well - it is in all likelihood fleeting,' she was teasing and he loved it.

'We'll see,' he shrugged in an attempt to be cavalier. 'That is if you think I might make you happy? You know for the time being,' he squeezed her hand and edged a little closer up the bed.

'I like you,' she told him simply. 'Isn't happiness about surrounding yourself with things you like?'

'I suppose so,' he agreed, and unable to resist he lay his head against her chest, in an awkward, submissive half hug. 'I'm so sorry I treated you so badly because of my issues with myself.'

'No one has ever treated me as nicely as you,' she laughed softly, tugging her hand from his and threading it into the hair at the nape of his neck. 'Even your smile makes me warm inside, so I forgive you for the wrongs you see, but I don't see them myself.'

'I left you, two days post op, after sleeping with you the way I did...I...'

'You're human,' Joey said simply. 'Like me, you're not perfect. We all have stuff to deal with. Like I said, who decides what's normal? We're all a product of our experiences. I think I'm pretty normal. I don't steal, or kill or hurt others physically or emotionally because of who they are. Doesn't that make me somewhat normal.'

'I would hate for you to be normal,' he admitted into her chest, realizing how true it was. 'I think you're rather fabulous.'

'Fabulous?' she laughed again, 'no one has ever considered me fabulous.'

'I have a lot of other words for you too, which I think you'd probably baulk at but they're true too.'

'You're rather fabulous yourself,' she murmured and they lay for a few moments in silence, the gentle movement of her hand calming him.

'What made you try to find me?' he asked, 'I mean to come into town? Did you walk? Why?'

'Yes I walked. Despite recent events I'm very fit and the walk was not taxing. It was a little hard with the bags hooked up on my umbrella and holding them up there with the one hand,' she explained and he found himself laughing, 'watch it,' she ruffled his hair, effectively pressing him up tighter against her chest - again, he loved it.

'And you went to the police station?'

'Well I didn't know how to find you but I did know how to find your brother and I knew he'd know where you were or you know, you'd be back here.'

'But why? Why put yourself through something that must have been extremely stressful?'

'It wasn't easy,' she admitted softly, 'but you didn't leave those tablets. The ones you wanted me to take, and I read that they should be taken as soon as possible and so...I didn't want you to hate me if I did get pregnant.'

'I wouldn't hate you. It wouldn't be _your_ fault. I actually like kids.'

'I like kids, but I didn't want it to be unwanted, if there is even an it, which I don't imagine there is, but you know...'

'I know. It's a little soon maybe to do the kid thing. But sometimes what will be will be,' he couldn't help but be a little carried away with the notion of how wonderful their baby might be. But it was true that he didn't want a baby yet.

'So I came to get the pills. I wanted to do that for you. I didn't figure Jen would carry them in her bag and if she couldn't make it back until tomorrow evening, or not at all...I just wanted to do that for you.'

'You're very sweet.'

'It's not sweet, it was just...'

'No it was sweet. And brave. Really brave. I am full of admiration.'

'Actually so am I, for myself I mean. I didn't think I could do that. I'm surprised I managed it, and even more surprised I could cope with your brother. He looks a little like you. Unsurprising but you know, maybe if helped. My sister and I weren't a lot alike. You know maybe I'm ready to make changes or maybe,' she paused and laughed, 'maybe you're a really powerful motivator.'

'Me?' he lifted his head off of her chest and climbed over her so he could lie alongside her, putting his head beside hers on the pillow. She remained face up but he lay on his side, his lips pressed up against her cheek, his arm over her stomach, curled under her waist in a tight, but innocent embrace.

'I think about you all the time too,' she admitted in a soft voice and he instinctively pressed a kiss against that soft cheek of hers. She sighed and turned her head so she could look at him. His eyes met hers and he felt utterly driven to kiss her because what better way to express the feelings of love, than by putting mouths that speak the words of love together. He pressed his closed lips to hers, much as they had done before, but this time her eyes were open, and his were fixated on them. After a second he kissed her, a soft peck and she smiled, and then he smiled, until they were lying there smiling at each other like two victims of a laughing gas attack. Before he lost his nerve he moved his hand to the nape of her neck and pulled her close, covering her mouth with his, this kiss not innocent, nor intended to be. He intended to release his feelings into the kiss and he did, caught off guard by the instant impact of the kiss on his body and emotions. Her tongue tangled lazily with his, everything about her open to being kissed by him, passionately, ardently, as though he were her perfect other half, the melding together so perfect he groaned into the kiss and clung to her, ignoring his body's fierce will to claim her, ignoring the urge to drive his cock against her, to demonstrate to her hoeevery turned on her was. He ignored it all because kissing her was like that moment between sleeping and awakening when you're still in dream land but are capable of a little manipulation. It was what he'd imagined kissing was like, way before he'd ever kissed a girl. It was like that first intoxicating kiss of his youth, but with all the skill and know how maturity had given him. It was, in a word, perfect.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey everyone, thanks so much for reviews. This chapter was tough to write. I hope people like it. Thanks for taking the time to give me feedback and for reading.**

**As always please review!**

**Tab:-)**

**Chapter 9**

Kissing Joey made him feel - just in general, things he hadn't felt in a long, long time, or even before in his life. He couldn't have put these strange feelings into words because the act of kissing her was all consuming, and he hadn't thought kissing to be special, not for a long time. Kissing to him had become one of those activities that you did to initiate sex. It was merely a part of getting to the end result, the big kahuna - a means to an end. Of course kissing had turned him on - it made him think of sex, that the act of sex was a possibility. Kissing Joey, he wasn't thinking about sex. He was undeniably turned on, there was no doubt that he wanted sex, but he wasn't thinking of progressing it, he was thinking about how sweet she tasted, how soft her hair was, about the way her tongue tangling with his made him feel connected. He couldn't actually believe he got to kiss her, this siren he'd seen naked on her dock, this girl who'd filled his thoughts so exclusively for so long, and he loved it, didn't ever want to stop. Kissing Joey was amazing in its own right, not as a precursor or a means to an end.

The knock at the door surprised him, and Joey, for her part, pulled away from him, closed her mouth to his but smiled widely. He stared at her, smiling inanely wondering why they'd stopped kissing, and leaned forward to capture her lips again,

'Someone knocked,' she laughed.

'Fools,' he grumbled, pressing soft closed mouthed kisses to her smile.

'Pace,' Doug had opened the door and was staring at them expectantly. If he thought they were too close, that his brothers lips pressed to the girls lips was inappropriate he didn't indicate so. 'Jen's here. Joey, can I get you some tea? What about you Pace?'

'My brother, always offering tea,' Pacey chuckled, and pulled back but remained on his side to hide how turned on he was.

'Do you have mint?' Joey surprised him by asking. Her hand was gripping him, but she asked and that was good.

'Do I have mint?' Doug laughed and gestured to himself, 'yes I have mint and probably every other type of tea as well.'

'Mint would be great thank you.'

'Pace?'

'Sure, sure,' he nodded.

'We'll give you guys a couple of minutes,' Doug stated astutely, shooting his brother a very obvious look.

'Pacey definitely needs a couple of minutes,' Joey turned and smiled at him, his eyes fixated on her and he nodded somewhat dumbly. He was a crazy fool but he didn't much care if he got to kiss her.

'Ok,' Doug laughed loudly and shut the door behind him.

'Do you want to touch yourself?' she asked softly and he found himself grinning, 'do you want _me_ to?' she frowned a little.

'Oh I'd love you to touch me, but I'm quite happy with just kissing today,' he stared at her lips and leaned forward, using his hand to tug her closer.

'That's sweet, but Jen's here. Did you not hear your brother?'

'Blah, blah, tea,' Pacey mumbled against her lips knowing he had to stop but not wanting to.

'You can kiss me again when they're gone. This isn't a one time deal,' she teased.

'Are you sure? You promise?'

'I promise,' she shifted her face and pressed a kiss to his chin. How come a kiss to his chin helped make sense of the world? He sighed, and shifted so he could pull her against his chest, careful of her injured arm. Her head rested against his chest and he wondered whether she could hear the beat of his heart spelling out his love. 'At least cover it,' she suggested softly and at this he stared at his rather prominent erection straining against his shorts.

'I'm very, very turned on,' he admitted. 'I look at you and that happens. I think about you and that happens.'

'I do want to watch you touch yourself,' she offered.

'One day,' he laughed and tugged his blanket from the bed, pulling until it was free of his legs and covering them both loosely. 'I'll be alright if I think of something other than you.'

'Glad that's now possible,' she teased.

'It's not possible at all, hence the blanket,' he pressed a kiss to her forehead as a knock sounded at the door. 'Come in,' he called and the door opened, Jen and Doug entering.

'Tea,' Doug said and placed the mug on the table by Joey. 'I added some cold water but get Pace to help you,' he ordered and Joey smiled at him. She leaned into Pacey, he noticed that, but she smiled at his brother. All good things.

'Thanks,' she said softly.

'Joey, you had us worried there,' Jen stated bluntly, 'but I'm impressed.'

'Impressed?' Joey frowned.

'That you made it to town. That's something! But why? I know he's a good looking guy but...'

'To take the tablets. You know to stop me getting pregnant,' Joey explained without embarrassment.

'I'll, uh, leave you guys,' Doug flushed and headed out.

'Has he given them to you yet?'

'No. We sorta ended up kissing,' Joey frowned. 'Can you get the tablets Pace?' she asked and he practically combusted at the sound of this shortened version of his name in her voice. It sounded so intimate, so awesome.

'Um, yeah, yeah,' he smiled at her widely and scooted off the bed. They were probably still in the truck. He couldn't believe he'd forgotten to take them into the house that morning, especially after all his stress. He could scarcely believe it was only that morning that they'd had sex. Fuck, but the thought of sex did nothing to help his extremely uncomfortable hard on. His cock seemed to sing its approval of the thought of sex, throbbing. He had to calm down, but it felt impossible on this whirlwind day. He climbed into the truck and hunted around in the pitiful cabin light for the bag Jen had given him. He found the brown paper bag with the tablets and condoms and held them all in his hands, before closing his eyes and trying to think of something mundane, something like his sweatpants after a workout, the food waste composting bin, anything but Joey. It was hard but he calmed down enough to feel like he could head back inside.

Back in his bedroom he was surprised to find Joey and Jen talking together quietly. He didn't want to listen in but he couldn't help himself,

'Don't worry about it,' Jen was saying.

'I want him to believe me but he doesn't. I don't blame him,' Joey frowned but seemed unperturbed by his appearance.

'Me?' he asked.

'Can I tell him?' Jen asked and Joey nodded, 'Joey and I were discussing her sexual history. I told her we tested for everything we could test for by looking at her blood and she's all clear. The only thing she has is malnutrition.'

'I asked for the other tests, so you'd know.'

'You'd be ok with having them done?' Pacey asked with a frown, climbing on to the bed beside her. 'Because you don't have to.'

'But you don't believe me,' she shrugged, 'and you were pretty upset about it.'

'I would love to believe you but I can't even imagine what has occurred in the years between then and now and I look at you, how utterly, heart stoppingly stunning you are and I can't quite believe it...I just can't see how they wouldn't all want you,' he waited for her to take offence but it didn't happen.

'It's true that it was hard,' she admitted, 'to keep certain..._people_ away. But just because you're on the streets doesn't mean you're a bad person. Most of the people were good, decent, but the truth is I was young. I'd spent my childhood being either completely withdrawn because everyone around me judged me, talked about me, laughed at me. The other half I spent in righteous indignation at the idiots. That boy being awful to Jack wasn't the first guy I'd punched. Thing is, on the streets it was the same story. Silence was preservation, but you had to know how to lay it on, how to give the people who wished to take advantage a clear message that they couldn't take advantage of you. The main rule was that you couldn't trust anyone. Not anyone.'

'Where did you go? When you left Capeside?' Pacey asked, so entirely focussed on the girl beside him he'd forgotten Jen.

'I'll leave you guys to it,' Jen stated. 'This is your conversation. You're ok Joey. Your hand, your temperature...everything looks good. Do you think you can stay here tonight? Would you like me to leave some sleeping tablets?'

'Pacey and Bubba are here. I should be ok,' Joey stated after a deep breath and Pacey's heart swelled.

'Great,' Jen smiled. 'I'll leave sleeping tablets in case,' she stated wisely and stood with a smile leaving a small bottle on the bedside cabinet. 'Don't forget those other tablets.'

'I won't,' Joey murmured, looking to Jen and smiling. 'Thank you.'

'Anytime,' Jen smiled, placing a hand on Joey's arm briefly before leaving the room, clicking the door shut behind her.

'Should I answer your question?' she asked and Pacey smiled.

'If you don't mind.'

'Can we lie? I'm kind of tired,' she asked and slid down the bed until her head was resting on her pillow. Pacey did the same until his head was on his pillow and they lay facing each other. Pacey had been with a lot of girls, he'd had sex millions of times and yet he couldn't recall lying in a bed with one, facing a girl and it feeling quite so amazingly intimate.

'So where did you go?' he asked, running a finger along her cheekbone.

'First of all to the woods,' she smiled a little, 'but it was cold and I was hungry. I'm not exactly a forager, or I wasn't. I was...what's the phrase you all use for me - feral.'

'You know people say that about you?'

'I do. I've read the comments on articles online. I heard you talking before...I just know.'

'I'm sorry,' he frowned.

'It's ok. It was true. By the time I headed to Boston I was dirty and half starving. I tried a shelter, but...it wasn't a good experience,' she frowned.

'In what way?'

'This girl...woman really, she...she took issue with me. It was a power play really, but she beat me up when I was sleeping. Broke several ribs and made a mess of my face. See this scar here,' she shuffled her left hand from under her and traced a scar along her jaw line.

'I never noticed that,' he was surprised because he'd been unable to take his eyes off of her. His fingers found the thin scar,

'The doctor, she fixed it well. She was a nice lady. Fixed me up free of charge, but she...she tried to get me into care and I didn't want to be cared for. I was dealing with the death of my family and I...I couldn't deal with the idea of a group home or a foster family. You heard so many horror stories...one was that they were putting kids like me in an awful hotel, bedbugs, the lot. There was next to no supervision and it felt awful there. I went there one night and I feared for my life. Truly I did. So I decided to try it on the streets. I found my spot. A place to sleep, kind of hidden and dry. I think I froze half to death sometimes that first year, but Bubba, he helped with that because we were together.'

'You said you had a boyfriend?' Pacey croaked, overwhelmed with emotion. His throat felt thick and his eyes heavy and it occurred to him that perhaps this was love because he'd heard stories of awful childhoods before and he'd felt sad, but he'd never felt heart broken.

'Yeah,' she sighed. 'It was a mutual alliance at first. Two angry kids, we'd huddle together and you know it helped. I felt safer. But he wasn't as innocent as he made out and he was meant to get me hooked, I guess to prime me for prostitution. The minute he suggested heroine I ran.'

'How did you eat? Survive?'

'There's a few decent restaurants...they get to know you. They give you a cuppa coffee and a sandwich. Some of the staff at closing, they put the food separate to the trash. The edible stuff anyway. I got a job for a while cleaning dishes, but it was hard for me to keep clean and when the first patch of cold weather hit I kept oversleeping.'

'I would have thought the cold kept you awake?' Pacey asked, his hand finding the nape of her neck under all that gorgeous hair of hers.

'Well it did,' she smiled, 'of course. But then you just get so tired you fall asleep and you don't wake up. Hypothermia isn't good. It was a horrible time. Look closely at my house now - I have so many blankets. I'm not going to lie Pace - those were awful years. Just awful, and they made me how I am. That and my family's death. But they're over now and I would do anything to not go back there.'

'How long were you on the streets for?'

'Just over two years. I headed back here just before my eighteenth birthday. I...I had so many issues but surprisingly the utility companies are used to that and they let me stay away as they set things up. Obviously I had to get a job before I could get the gas and electric back, the Internet even. It was tough. But I applied for this job as an agony aunt for a newspaper and well, it was work from home. They baulked at the idea of me doing it by mail but eventually they agreed. They'd send me a batch of letters every month, and I'd write daily responses and send them a week in advance. Once I earned some money the rest followed. I got my utilities, I began to get my art supplies, even a computer. I'd only buy food I could order online, and I'd never sign for anything, I'd mention my condition in the delivery comment section. If they persisted for a signature the item was considered lost to me. I was convinced if I opened the door to a delivery man he'd rape me. Or try to. I just didn't trust and for the first time, without outside influences I was happy.'

'Jack said he came by a few times?' Pacey edged closer to her, close enough that their bodies were touching all the way along. It felt wonderful. He was turned on, of course, it was futile to hope that he wouldn't be, but it wasn't entirely sexual. He wanted to be close because she was sharing with him.

'Yeah he did,' she nodded and then surprised him by pressing her lips to his and slipping her tongue into his mouth. He couldn't help but respond immediately - when you're obsessed with a girl and she kisses you, he decided that your brain goes on vacation and his brain departed abruptly leaving him a hormonal mess. She kissed him so thoroughly he found himself instinctively rolling onto her, his cock pressing between her legs and his hips rocking, desperate for friction of any kind. Her soft moan spurned him on and he rocked with more deliberation, desperate to hear that soft exhale of sound again. He was rewarded for his efforts, another soft moan coming from the goddess beneath him, along with a gasped,

'That feels good.'

'You're telling me,' he managed to half growl into the increasingly heated kiss.

'Make me come,' she begged and he grinned, effectively making it impossible to kiss, but then he was thrusting against her one last time before rolling off to the side.

'Can I touch you?' he begged, desperate for warmth and wetness on his fingers, desperate to feel her, to feel soft folds, explore the dark warmth, to be that close to this girl.

'Yes,' she told him simply.

He placed his left hand on her stomach. She was so thin, his hand spanned her entire stomach.

'Keep kissing me,' she asked and tugged at his neck, until he was so absorbed in the kiss that he didn't over think sliding his hand down, through soft curls and into the tight warmth, the place where he wanted to bury his cock repeatedly. He could be base at times, he liked sex and he was particularly focussed on sex with Joey and so his mind was erratic in its thoughts, and eclectic mix of desires undoing his self control. His thumb found her clit, and he brushed very deliberate circles over it, loving the sounds of enjoyment she made, the chorus of soft moans and sighs, her fevered kissing when he made it feel especially good, and the way her jaw would fall slack when it was exceptional. 'Put your fingers in me,' she panted and he groaned and swore before sliding his fingers into her, two of them, and curling them up just so, at the same time as swirling his thumb on her clit. 'Like that,' she groaned, writhing underneath his hand. He couldn't tear his eyes from her face, forgetting all about kissing her to watch her face as she came undone, to listen to each gasp, to focus on the feeling of her on his fingers, to feel her body contract around them, to tighten as she cried out, before she tugged him to her, crashing her lips to his. She kissed him thoroughly before releasing him, ''my hand has never made it feel that good before,' she mused with a smile in his direction.

'I'm good at that,' he smirked and she actually laughed.

'You are,' she concurred. Reluctantly he pulled his hand out from her pyjamas. 'I'm so tired.'

'You were gonna tell me about Jack?' he looked at her and she stared at him for a long few moments.

'Actually I wasn't. The kiss was to distract you.'

'I want to know everything about you - distraction doesn't work.'

'Another time,' she hedged and he nodded.

'You need the bathroom? I can help you there.'

'Yeah, and maybe a toothbrush?'

'Sure, sure,' he nodded, but then pulled her close. 'I think you're amazing,' he whispered into her hair. 'I was a fool to leave earlier. A total fool. I'll never leave again,' as he said it he meant it, and it came out sincerely, but she still turned serious,

'Don't make promises Pace,' she said simply. 'Bathroom now, before I fall asleep.'

'Ok,' he nodded.

* * *

It was a strange night. Joey had fallen asleep before he'd returned from the bathroom, and he'd stripped down to his boxers and pulled on a tank before slipping into bed beside her. It was weird because they'd shared a bed before, but this time he placed a hand on her stomach and a kiss in her hair, before he fell asleep himself.

The night was spent in a kind of half sleep, filled with half dreams. He didn't know how but they constantly became entangled, tongues entwined, fevered breaths increasing his heart rate, until he was rolling on top of her. Then they'd be asleep again, and then entangled again. He could scarcely work out what was dream and what was reality but he knew he came more than once and that she was without a doubt the perfect girl for him. That in his sleep, he wanted her. He'd never had sleep sex, or nearly sex, but in his sleep he reached for her, he kissed her, touched her.

When the morning sun finally rose, the golden beams streaming through his window, he opened his eyes to see her eyes staring at him like emeralds and Amber under sunlit water.

'Hey,' he reached across and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. 'Sleep ok?'

'Not really. Someone kept shoving their tongue in my mouth and their hand up my shirt,' she smirked at him.

'You liked it,' he rolled his eyes easily. 'And your hand went up my shirt too.'

'I find you very attractive,' she admitted easily, with a casual little shrug that turned him on - like everything else. 'I like to touch you.'

'I like you touching me,' he edged closer, his hand creeping up her shirt until he managed to snake his fingers alongside the soft plumpness of one of her fantastic tits,

'You need to give me those tablets to take,' she told him firmly.

'Maybe we should leave it up to fate,' he questioned, because everything with Joey seemed so unstoppable and perhaps that was what he needed in his life, something unstoppable and brilliant.

'No,' she gave him a crooked smile. 'Let's not leave it up to fate.'

'But I wanna touch you,' he pleaded, pressing a hot kiss to her stomach.

'How about this Pace,' she used his shortened name and he was putty in her hands, 'I take those tablets and you help me with a bath. You can touch everywhere then?'

'Really?' he found himself sounding embarrassingly jubilant but she just laughed and nodded.

* * *

He took her back to her house after lunch. She had actually managed to sit down to lunch with him and his brother and he was insanely proud. He didn't think she was as fucked up as both of them had been originally and even paused to hope that maybe he'd helped her in some way. Doug for his part was soft and kind, extremely easy going, talking about the force, his job and their sisters. Joey listened raptly to everything they had to say, quizzing them on their sisters, where they grew up, everything Pacey related. He couldn't and wouldn't deny that her infatuation with him made him buzz. It was hard being as infatuated with a girl as he was with Joey but it was certainly helped that the feeling was mutual. Or seemed to be. Of course life was known for being pretty cruel to him and he could see that perhaps things might not be as easy as he'd like, that Joey was at least fragile, even if vulnerable wasn't quite the right term. Her infatuation with him may be a passing fancy. He supposed his may be as well, it just didn't feel like the jumbled up feelings were going anywhere. They were honestly quite overwhelming and Pacey wasn't used to it.

'Nice to be home?' he asked. He was perched on the top of the ladder mucking out the gutters.

'I love being home. Especially now I can sit and watch you from close up and on my comfy swing seat,' she gave him what he was certain was a saucy little smile and he felt it everywhere. He glared at the gutters because he wanted to clear them for her, but he was hopelessly addicted to kissing her. 'You can forget them if you want,' she laughed softly as if able to read his mind.

'Oh I can't sweetheart,' he grumbled, 'fall will be here soon and then all the new leaves will clutter up these gutters even more, the water will flood over and rot your fascias, get into the house and we'll have so many problems then.'

'We?' she quirked a brow at him and he found himself flushing brighter than the flesh of a watermelon.

'I, uh, you know meant...uh, you...'

'But you could finish them later, or tomorrow,' she looked at him.

'Sure,' he couldn't fight it, he wanted to be kissing her, lying between her legs and kissing her. Throwing off his gloves, he jumped the last three rungs, and threw himself at the swing seat, crawling up her body and kissing her, his hands trailing up her body on his way. 'I will never choose gutters over you,' he sighed.

'So romantic,' she teased and then they stopped talking.

* * *

The gutters didn't get cleared. He made a good effort but she was too distracting, and he couldn't resist, not when she seemed to love kissing him as much as he loved kissing her. Not that he'd managed to control his wondering hands. He touched all of her, every chance he got, thrilling at his ability to make her come almost at will, with his hands, with his mouth, by rubbing up against her. She didn't touch him but she did keep asking that he touch himself in front of her. He came plenty, he was incredibly attracted to her and sometimes just rubbing against her was enough. It was teenage but he didn't give a flying fuck if it was teenage, because she made him happy. He could talk to her about everything and he could talk to her about nothing, and he could kiss her forever. Sometimes he came just because he was turned on, because she was sexy and she'd touch herself in front of him and it was so unbelievably hot. It had been a whirlwind week but probably the best week of his life.

'I can't believe I have to go back to work,' he grumbled, holding her naked form against himself. It had been wonderful to learn that Joey was clothes optional when comfortable, and she would sometimes wonder around naked. It was distracting but he couldn't give a rats ass about that, he welcomed distraction. She claimed it was because dressing was difficult, but really he thought it was because she liked to distract him, she liked his attention and in his opinion that was no bad thing. He had fully embraced being with Joey. Since his talk with his friends, Jack in particular, he'd gone with the flow, tried to stop controlling and just let life happened, and it turned out that he adored her, utterly. She was sweet and kind and completely adorable. She made him laugh - frequently, and she was interesting. He watched her try to paint using her left hand, accepting of the differences her lack of control produced and embracing them to turn the pieces into something quite wonderful. She was soft and caring, and he knew he was beyond smitten and nearly in love, or in love. He hadn't really opened himself up to love after Andie, after his life spun away from him. He'd focussed on sex instead. Now all he could focus on was love and how she made him feel deep inside.

'Hmm, I'll miss you,' she mused lightly. 'Will you keep staying here?'

'Well Jen said a couple of weeks,' he told her authoritatively but when she smirked he laughed, 'let's face it I'm not gonna cope if I don't stay here, so if you're happy to have me, I'll be here.'

'I like you here,' she said simply. 'You make me feel good.'

'Well that's mutual,' he grinned.

'I don't make you feel that good,' she gave him a small frown and looked at his cock, but he kissed he brow,

'At the risk of sounding cheesy, you make me feel good here,' he moved her left hand over his heart.

'But not here,' she hovered her hand over his cock which practically purred at the proximity.

'You don't have to touch me anywhere you don't want to,' it was true and so the statement rang with his honesty.

'We haven't had sex again either,' she looked up at him.

'No.'

'Do you want to?' she asked.

'Yes,' the answer was very simple. Just the mere thought of it and he was not just rock hard but diamond hard. Of course a diamond penis was a crazy notion, but could potentially be true with his attraction to this girl.

'Ok,' she stated easily.

'I want sex but when you're ready.'

'I'm ready,' she told him and he groaned,

'Fuck.'

'You don't need to restrain,' she teased.

'I do,' he pressed a warm kiss to the slope of her neck, a place on her that both comforted and excited him.

'Why?'

'Because I want you to be completely comfortable with me, so we're not gonna do that again until you're happy to touch me...you know, there,' this time he hovered his hand over his cock feeling a little embarrassed.

'Maybe I'd feel more comfortable if you touched yourself in front of me,' she shrugged.

'Fine,' he decided to play it nonchalant, popping the button on his shorts, and pushing them down a little until he'd freed himself.

'Don't touch for a second, I want to look,' she murmured, her eyes fixated on it. It was undeniably sexy to be scrutinized by her.

'You wanna draw it?' he joked and she nodded,

'Yes.'

'I was kidding,' he explained quickly and she gave him a cheeky little eye roll,

'We'll see,' she bit her bottom lip. 'Ok.'

'Thanks,' his voice was so gruff it sounded like he'd eaten gravel, but he found her examination erotic and so when he finally put his hand on himself, he knew it wouldn't take long. She filled his brain immediately, most particular the image of her pushing her fingers between her legs.

'Open your eyes,' she reminded him and he did, only to see hers fixated on his hand, her hand between her legs for real. 'What were you imagining?' she asked, and he groaned,

'That.'

'I imagine my fingers are your...you know...'

'Say the word Joey,' he teased loving her bashfulness.

'Cock,' she whispered.

'Fuck, goddamned, fuckit...' he cursed as he felt his orgasm approach.

'I imagine you're pushing into me, the way you did. That you want me so much you take it. It takes me no time at all, to come...' she cried out, her head thrown back and knowing she'd just come, combined with the sight of her fingers still inside of her was his undoing, and with a strangled growl he shifted and shot his come all over her. 'You seem to love covering me in your come,' she gave him a lazy look, pulling her hand from between her legs and drawing with his ejaculate, all across her stomach and breasts.

'You're mine,' he stated and kissed her, loving her soft sigh of approval.

'Pace,' she interrupted the kiss at length.

'What's up?'

'The reason I don't touch you...' she hesitated looking down, 'well the reason is I don't have good associations with men and that part of their anatomy. Penis's were a bit of a nightmare, even here when I was at school. They seemed to stop guys from being decent and turn them into jackasses.'

'I assure you Jo, those guys were always jackasses.'

'Maybe,' she sighed, 'but I've had too many men try to force them on me one way or another, and I just...I was hoping I could recondition myself, you know by seeing yours in a different light.'

'Well I sure must have helped fucking you like I did,' he muttered.

'Well that was different. I asked for that, I wanted that. I think that was part of the reconditioning and I didn't see it, or touch it...so really that was ok,' she pressed a kiss to his chest. 'I like your cock Pacey. It's yours and so I'm predisposed to liking all parts of you. I just...need a little more time so I'm touching it because I want to and not to please you.'

'Never ever do anything just to please me. You please me by being you, and being true to yourself.'

'Ok,' she nodded, and then curled into his side, resting her bandaged hand on his stomach, 'I'm so glad I don't have those stupid bags anymore.'

'So you can cuddle more easily?' He grinned.

'Yep,' she looked up at him.

'For a girl with a phobia of people you sure like me,' he tugged her closer and kissed her forehead,

'Well you're not people, you're you!'

'That makes sense,' he laughed.

'Well that's all I've got. All I know is I like you a lot. It scares me because that's a whole world of potential pain I've opened myself up to, but I'm not scared enough to send you away.'

'You aren't?"

'No. The thought of the pain sending you away would cause means I can't. You're worth the risk Pace.'

'Hmm, I think I love you too,' he said without thinking and kissed her.


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks for all the reviews guys. I really appreciate the support and it's getting this written so thank you! Each review is motivation!**

**Hopefully this fits well. **

**Thanks again guys, Tab :-)**

**Chapter 10**

Pacey watched Joey as she intently studied his hand, her left hand attempting to capture the lines as well as her right hand would have done, but with limited success. She was unperturbed.

'Did Jen say when the bandage can come off?' he asked. Jen had visited when he was on his rounds, something Joey was ok with. Jen only visited once a week now, and it had been her second visit alone with Joey. He was crazy proud of her. They'd even had Doug over and he'd barbecued ribs and sausages. Joey had made a salad from her garden and he and Doug had finished the gutters together. Doug was

good with Joey, soft but honest. He was upfront about her issues, even teasing her softly about her clear infatuation with his brother. Pacey loved that she was infatuated because it made him feel a little less ridiculous about his clear adoration and love. His thinking he was in love with her had quickly become knowing. He knew he loved her because his body sang with it, thrummed with it. She made him so wonderfully happy that all his initial reservations were forgotten. What was special, and particularly good to him was how happy he made her, and making her happy made him feel so much better about himself. He was undeniably good for her. Jen and Doug said as much, but he could see it himself. He could see that she laughed when he was around, that she was playful, that she was doing better with other people, that her fears were diminishing.

'She said another week. I can try using the hand a little though.'

'Want to try it for drawing?' he teased and she gave him a scowl,

'No,' she stuck her tongue out playfully.

'You're not so bad as a leftie,' he told her and she smiled,

'That makes me good in your books doesn't it?'

'Absolutely. Right handedness is your only weakness,' he deadpanned and she dropped her pencil, reached across and flicked him, before retrieving her pencil and continuing her sketch.

'She gave me my results. She left me a copy so you could take a look.'

'You mean your, uh, pap and stuff?' he hedged feeling a little uncomfortable because he loved her and so he believed her when she said he was her first.

'Yeah, all negative, all good.'

'I believed you, you know,' he stated edging up the swing seat, despite her protest at him moving his hand.

'You didn't,' she sighed as he pressed his forehead to hers.

'I changed my mind. I trust you,' he said simply.

'I trust you. I suppose that has changed for me as well.'

'I remember. At first you just wanted to because Bubba did.'

'Bubba is an amazing judge of character,' she gave him an innocent look and he chuckled,

'Yeah, agreed.'

'I think it's safe to say that I was a prude for a very long time,' she filled in, pouting slightly because she was so deep in thought. He adored her pout,

'A prude?' he frowned, 'you're not a prude now.'

'Less of one,' she agreed, staring at him, 'I want to touch you.'

'You do?' he gulped slightly and she nodded. His cock throbbed in delight and he tried to not let his mind wonder because she hadn't said she wanted to do it right that second. Then she laughed. 'What?' he asked a little defensive.

'I can see you approve,' she pointed out, 'I'm worried I may not do a good job. My left handedness is not as wonderful as you make out.'

'I'm sure it would be fine,' he desperately wanted her to touch him.

'I'm so surprised,' she rolled her eyes and he laughed,

'Really, I just want to feel your hand on me.'

'And one day my mouth?' she asked and he nodded far too enthusiastically to ever be considered cool. 'Both at the same time like you do?'

'Fuck yeah,' he knew his eyes must be black. She seemed to consider this, her pretty mouth pursed and her eyes half lidded, then she kissed him and he rolled on top of her, slotting his body between her thighs and thrusting his hips. Of course whilst that position was awesome it didn't help him any because he really wanted her hand on his cock, or her mouth or both, and he'd effectively trapped it between them with zero access. He fell still as he tried to work out how to open access back up without appearing like he was as desperate as he was. It took him a moment to realize Joey had stopped kissing him and was laughing,

'You've realized I can't touch you like this haven't you?'

'Yep,' he pressed his burning face into her neck.

'Let's make life easy, roll offa me and get rid of your clothes,' she instructed and he raised his head,

'Really?'

'Yes,' she nodded and laughed again as he moved faster than he care to think about, flinging his shorts and boxers onto the deck before lying back beside her. 'Maybe we should just have sex,' she murmured. He considered it because the way she asked was in a breathy voice, indicative of wanting that rather than not wanting to touch him. He hesitated unsure of what to say but he didn't need to say anything because he felt her cool fingers float over the tip of his cock, then down the length of it before she moved them back up again. She didn't ask him how to touch him - she'd seen him touch himself often enough to know. She grasped him and slid her hand up and down, brushing her thumb periodically across the tip. She may have used the same rhythm and grip as he did but it felt entirely different when it was her hand, with her slim fingers and he groaned, throwing his head back, torn between the desire to watch and the need to get lost in the sensations.

'Fucking hell,' he cursed as she gave an experimental squeeze and he felt his balls tighten. He was going to come stupidly quickly and then it would be over which would suck. He also knew that Joey understood his cursing only too well and would be perfectly aware that he would come if she kept it up. He closed his eyes moaning loudly aware that he would indeed be coming sooner rather than later. Then he felt her warm, wet mouth close over his cock and he groaned, his hands threading through her hair as she moved her head up and down, apparently entirely aware of how to suck him off to the point of delirious. It felt unbelievably good and he could feel his body gearing up for a fucking awesome orgasm. 'I'm gonna come,' he hissed and his hips thrust up towards her mouth as he stopped thinking because everything was focussed on his cock and how it felt when he came in her mouth, how amazing his body felt, how zen his mind felt, and mainly how much he loved her.

'Did ok?' she asked with a smirk, kissing up his stomach and chest, before resting her head on his chest, his arm wrapped firmly around her.

'Did great,' he kissed her hair several times and sighed. 'Amazing even,' he closed his eyes loving the feel of her in his arms.

'You feel nice in my mouth,' she stated blunt as ever.

'Really?' he laughed,

'Mmm. Firm and soft.'

'I think that's an oxymoron,' he laughed again.

'And you say you flunked out of school,' she teased.

'Well I didn't flunk out so much as scrape by. Depends on who you're talking to in my family.'

'Your dad sounds like he has issues,' she mused.

'Hmm, yeah, but according to him it's the rest of us with issues,' Pacey didn't feel like talking about his dad when he was so loved up but he was loved up and if Joey wanted to know things, then he wanted to answer.

'How did he handle it when Doug came out? He doesn't sound liberal minded but you and Doug are so good, so nice, I just can't see how that would have gone,' she turned and looked at him, her beautiful eyes utterly captivating.

'Well dads always loved Doug, that's point one. Point two I mean you're right in a way. He's not all that liberal, not where criminals are concerned, but actually with things like racism and homophobia he is decent. Entirely so.'

'You don't think your dad loves you, do you?' she appraised him carefully.

'I think you love me,' he stated because he did think she loved him. Despite his declaration a couple of weeks earlier, they hadn't had another conversation concerning love.

'You bug me,' she kissed his nose and he gave her a look, what he hoped was crossed between _get real_ and _I love you_. 'Yes I love you,' she said as though it were completely obvious.

'You do?' he beamed at her.

'Yes,' she rolled her eyes.

'I love you too,' he captured her lips in a heated kiss, which she returned before breaking it,

'But your dad?' she persisted.

'I hate talking about my dad,' he muttered, though his mood couldn't be soured because she'd said she loved him like it was no big deal and it was a huge fucking deal.

'I know,' she looked down for a second. 'But you talk about your dad and I feel like maybe I can talk about my dad and I never talk about him.'

'No I don't think my dad loves me,' he stated immediately and she smiled softly, recognizing the gesture he was making.

'Then he gets to take no credit for how great you turned out,' she informed him.

'Ha, not so great,' he shook his head, 'I had a major disaster on the markets, fucking up like he said I would, and now I'm a mail man.'

'You're not just a mail man,' she chided and he couldn't help but smile,

'Enlighten me,' he narrowed his eyes.

'You're a really great mail man,' she told him, 'and you're a wonderful person. You're a Good Samaritan who fixes old lady's houses, you're sweet and thoughtful. You're amazing at all things wood related,' she took in his smirk, 'don't be dirty,' she ordered, 'you're a good friend, and you're an excellent boyfriend.'

'I'm your boyfriend?' he wasn't sure the day could get any better.

'I like to think so,' she shrugged.

'Does that mean I get to take you out?'

'So long as it's somewhere that won't incite a panic attack,' she gave him an easy shrug.

'The beach?'

'Isn't the beach crowded?'

'Well we could go at sunset on a weekday, keep ourselves to ourselves?' he tangled his hands in her hair.

'I'll think about it.'

'You see me differently to how I see myself,' he admitted. 'Makes me look at things differently. I kinda like that.'

'You make me see myself differently too,' she admitted. 'I wasn't much loved either. My dad...he was a tough guy, a junkie too. Home wasn't a nice place to be. It wasn't really a home.'

'Was he always a junkie?' he asked and she nodded.

'For as long as I knew him. My mom...she tried, but she was worn out, jaded. She slept around. I suppose that's why I'm cautious about sex, or was before you.'

'You're not cautious anymore?' he asked despite knowing he really aught to be more focussed on what else she had said, but she just laughed,

'I want you all the time Pacey. As I have said before, I am happy to have sex with you.'

'Hmm,' he murmured kissing her. It was so easy to get distracted these days. He quelled his beating heart, and his raging hormones because he was very interested in everything about her, not just sex. 'Was she kind to you?'

'She loved Bes and me. I think she did anyway. She definitely tried to be a good mom, but she drank and we had no money and we were kids. Kids are hard work Pace. They are annoying and underfoot. They take patience and time. My mom didn't have patience or time. I don't know how I am like I am because I'm pretty patient. Maybe I'm like my dad.'

'Maybe?'

'Well you can't know the real person behind a junkie very easily. Everything in my dads life was about drugs. I didn't know him.'

'Sometimes I'm like my dad,' he admitted. 'I hate it when I become that way.'

'In what way?' she asked.

'I can become fixated on a negativity. Fixated on fault.'

'Like when we had sex?' she asked.

'Yes,' he nodded.

'I think we should have sex again. A new first time.'

'That will always be your first time,' he sighed.

'And it was good for me. I never thought we'd get to this. To lying in each other's arms talking and kissing. I thought that might be all I got and I wanted everything I could get of you,' she admitted it, unembarrassed.

'Really?' he couldn't deny how good that made him feel inside. Like the first bite of a burger when he was starving, her words sated the gnawing inside of him, but he wanted more reassurance.

'Yes. I don't know why your dad can't see it, but you're special.'

'Special?' he frowned.

'Yes,' she rolled her eyes. 'You're nice from the inside out.'

'Nice?' he hated that word.

'Why does everyone underestimate nice? For a girl like me nice is everything. I've never had something as nice as you in my life, interested in me. Someone who wanted to give without anything in return.'

'But it all blurred,' he protested, 'I wanted you.'

'Wanting me isn't the same as wanting _something_,' she explained patiently, 'no one has ever wanted me the way you did and I love how that makes me feel. When I thought you might go, that my time with you might be fleeting, well I wanted everything I could get. I wanted you to fuck me. I still do. I'll take everything I can get because most of the time, good things don't last very long.'

'Is that why you won't talk about Jack?' Pacey asked, unsure why he wanted to push the topic she clearly held as off limits. The one and only topic.

'Because he was something good in my life?' she asked and he nodded, surprised she'd given him that much.

'Jack...he was everything I needed at that time. This boy who needed me but didn't want more than I could give.'

'He still cares about you,' Pacey offered.

'And I care that he's happy. It was a short friendship Pace. No more than a few months.'

'But it meant something it you,' he persisted, driven half crazy with longing, but desperate to know more - all at the same time.

'When I think about Jack, I...' she wrinkled her nose and then lay on her back clearly searching for a way to explain things, 'I blamed him for a long time. It would have been so much easier if I'd been killed with them. Or if I'd had the chance to try and get them out. The firemen said there was no chance, and maybe that's true, but I live with this guilt and sorrow everyday. So for a long time I blamed him because he stopped me going back in there.'

'He couldn't have done anything else,' Pacey attempted and she gave him a look, one he didn't know how to read.

'I feel like my soul is made up of sorrow, this deep sadness and pain. I've often wondered whether it might have been kinder of him to let me die with them.'

'But you still have the capacity for love,' he hedged looking at her pointedly.

'Apparently I do,' she ran her fingers over his jaw line. 'That's started to lessen my anger. I don't blame him anymore. I understand that he had to do that or he'd have lived with the guilt of allowing me to die and I wouldn't wish the way I feel on anyone. But I'm still angry. Or maybe angry isn't the right word or emotion. I'm unsettled about Jack. He saw me at my absolute weakest, at the worst moment of my life. My mom died but she'd never much cared for me. My dad, he went to jail but he was barely functioning in my life. But Bessie and Bodie? They were my family. They loved me, they cared for me and we were finally happy. It was still hard, it was so hard, but we were a team. And Alex. That poor little baby,' she looked down and he watched those beautiful eyes of hers fill with tears, her face etched with pain.

'Jack's a part of that moment, right?' he asked softly, 'and you fear how it would feel to see him? Whether it would amplify it all?'

'Yes, because the pain never really goes. It's more manageable but it doesn't go,' she looked up at him, tears spilling over and falling over the smooth skin of her cheeks. 'I fear people because they've either been awful or I've lost them. I try to tell myself that I can lose you, that I could cope, that it's ok to feel all that I feel because I must expect to lose you and therefore everything I get is something, is special.'

'I don't think you'll lose me,' he attempted.

'You didn't want this. You didn't want me, or a life here. I know that,' she attempted.

'I was a fool. I want to be happy and so far you make me happy,' he brushed her tears away with his thumbs, 'I have a similar fear. I'm not scared I'll lose those in my life I love. I'm scared they'll decide they don't want me, that they'll leave me behind,' he watched her absorb his words but instead of replying she pressed her face into the nook of his neck and kissed him, warm, soft kisses, that felt divine. 'I love you,' he whispered, utterly overwhelmed, consumed by the raw emotion of truly loving someone more than himself.

'Please have sex with me,' she looked at him, 'I want that feeling again.'

'What feeling?' he frowned because he knew he hadn't made her come.

'Possession,' she admitted, 'I feel like you're undeniably mine in that moment.'

'And that makes you mine, right?'

'Yes,' she nodded, and pushed off her panties, her soft sundress pooling around her waist. 'I want to have sex with you Pacey.'

'Can I try and be more coordinated and focussed this time?' he asked, more of himself than Joey because she was looking awfully sexy with her pretty dress around her waist and that innocent look on her face, her face turned to his with expectation. The sun was low in the sky and it's warm orange made her soft hair glow. She looked angelic and he felt desperate for her, desperate for her to be his and for him to be hers.

'I kinda hope not,' she offered softly and smiled at him. He felt his own smile spread across his face.

'You like driving me crazy, huh?' he edged up to her aware of how hard he was, of how much he could very easily behave exactly as he had before. This time he wouldn't though because Joey was amazing. She took his hand and pressed it between her legs, pushing his thumb against her clit and pushing his fingers into her. 'Holy crap, fuck,' he groaned and claimed her lips in a heated kiss, clumsy in his attempts to fully convey his affection, his fingers pumping into her and his thumb pressing and rubbing tight circles. Her soft moans drove him to the edge, the literal edge, of self control because this time it didn't end when he pushed her over the edge, this time he got to push into her.

'Keep going,' she gasped and his hips thrust against her thigh, especially when she came, her hand clamping onto his and holding his fingers inside of her, her head thrown back and those beautiful plump lips parted in a sigh. 'Now you inside of me,' she pushed his hand aside and tugged at him.

'Yes,' he agreed rolling between her legs. He pushed inside of her before he remembered, 'fuck, condom,' he pulled out of her and rolled off at her cursing, 'I...where did I put 'em?'

'I don't know,' she tugged at him and he desperately wanted to fuck the condom but he wouldn't do that to her again, or to himself.

'Fuck,' he stared down at her, his eyes fixated on everything between her legs, her legs lying open from where he'd just vacated.

'Beside the bed. My side,' she stated after a second and he wasn't sure he'd ever moved so fast, half tripping up the stairs and then nearly falling back down them with the brown paper bag clutched in his hand.

'Got them,' he grinned.

'Optimistic,' she teased with a look at the bag and he flushed but shrugged,

'Always,' he pulled out a strip and tore one off, ripping open the packet and tried to concentrate as he unrolled it onto himself, but all he could really think about was how freaking awesome it felt to be inside of her. He looked up to find her smirking at him,

'Come,' she opened her legs and he practically dove between them, wasting not a second before pushing fully inside of her.

'That feels so fucking good,' he hissed.

'Make me come this time,' she demanded and it was a good thing, because he was on the brink of losing himself - in the feelings, her sweet strawberry smell, in the softness of her skin, in everything.

'Yes,' he agreed and pulled out, nearly all the way before pushing back in, a groan escaping him, as he pushed at her dress, desperate to clamp his mouth on her tit, anything, because fuck, was all he could think. He did it again and again, rewarded with her soft moans, and fingernails digging into his ass, but she wasn't coming and he was a hell of a lot closer than she was. 'You go on top,' he urged and tried to turn them but she resisted.

'No,' she shook her head, and he frowned slightly not comprehending her refusal.

'Huh?'

'I want you to fuck me this time. Please,' she said it so sweetly, with her big eyes looking at him, and so he thrust again, loving the way her lids half closed. He moved his hands to her hips and tugged her ass a little further down and made sure that with each move he ground his pelvic bone against her and it worked because she was gasping and writhing underneath him in the best way possible, his name on her lips as she came the sweetest sound he'd ever heard. As she slumped into a post orgasmic stupor he pounded into her selfishly until his whole body tensed and then released into her, and it felt freaking awesome, like he was more alive than he'd ever been before which was cheesy but true. He pressed his face to her neck, careful not to squash her as he lay on top of her. He kissed that special spot there several times, before rubbing his nose against it, feeling a little like Bubba, but not caring at all.

'So we can have sex now?' he asked and then cursed himself for being such a guy, because really he wanted to say he loved her, that she was amazing, and he was besotted, but he didn't want to overwhelm her and so he asked about sex.

'Anytime,' she sighed, running her good hand through his hair and over the scruff on his face. Her bad hand rested on his shoulders.

'You're the best,' another lame sentence. He could scarcely stand himself.

'You're easily pleased,' she laughed softly.

'Fuck. Why do I have sex with you and turn into an idiot?' he asked with a sigh rubbing the back of his neck.

'Too much blood south of the equator?' she quirked a brow at him.

'Ha,' he laughed, 'no. I love you so much more than I have anyone else and it scares the fucking crap out of me.'

'Scares the crap outta me too,' she pressed a kiss to his ear. 'I'm so worried I won't be able to give you what you need.'

'What scares me is that you give me everything I need,' he sighed.

'Except socializing with your friends,' she said softly. 'Leaving the house. You were right to wonder what a life with me could ever be. How could we have kids?'

'You wanna have kids?' he asked simply, 'because I do.'

'I like the idea of kids. Not so sure about me as their mother. I mean what about school? Or losing them?'

'What about cuddling with them in the morning, or watching them grow?'

'What about being picked on and bullied 'cause your mom is the town weirdo?' she shot back and he laughed,

'You're my weirdo Jo.'

'So?'

'I'm making light and I shouldn't. If you want to, and only if you want to, we'll work on the issues you have.'

'I want to because I want you,' she admitted, 'and please don't stop making light of things.'

'And please don't stop being weird. Not entirely.'

'Ok,' she agreed smiling as he kissed her.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hi everyone, **

**Thanks for the messages and support with this story - you guys have been amazing. I hope you like this part. It feels like it's coming to a close. Soon enough. Please keep reviewing - it means the world to me, and definitely speeds the writing up!**

**Many thanks Tab:-)**

**Message to Kelly:**

**_Thanks for all the reviews. I would have sent you an IM but you don't have an account. I have to say I kind of agree with you about Into your arms lol. It was a little too much. I felt that writing it. I don't actually plan my stories out, the plot and everything kind of come to me as I go along. Quite literally. I did feel this turned a little 50 shades, though hopefully with more plot! Thanks for the feedback, on that and all my stories! Tab:-)_**

**Chapter 11**

Pacey tried to focus on the weeding and not on the conversation between Jen and Joey that was occurring on the back deck. Quite honestly it was difficult when weeding was so very boring and the conversation so interesting. In his defence Joey had said he could stay for Jen's visit, but he wanted to encourage her independence. Joey was four weeks post op and it was just over four weeks since their lives had become entwined beyond house restoration, note passing and thirst quenching jugs of water. Doug had been over a second time, and asked if he could bring Jack since they were dating and Joey and Jack had been friends. The answer was a no and he hadn't pushed it, just been relieved that she was beginning to make changes because he could see how triumphant she felt, and how happy it made her.

Just after the slept together for the second time, about two weeks post op, Joey had insisted he ensure he spend time with his brother and his friends, and to that end he'd headed into town and to their regular bar a couple of times a week. It wasn't the same as it had been though. Doug now joined them with Jack which was great, but Pacey was desperate for Joey to be there too. He missed her dreadfully, pathetically, and from the second he left, all he wanted was to get back to her. He'd park Doug's truck and fling himself out, not bothering locking it, just bursting into the house and running up the stairs,

'It's me,' he'd call because he didn't want her to freak out and she'd be there, curled up in bed, a smile on her face, arms and legs opening so she could fully grasp him once he slid onto the bed. They'd kiss each other as though they were starving, clothes flung in every which direction, until he'd snatch up a condom and push into her, pull her onto him, until they were having sex. Since the second more emotionally acceptable time they'd had sex, they had a lot of sex. Creative, awe inspiring sex. Joey was blunt in conversation and blunt about sex. If she wanted to try something, she asked, without embarrassment and it was amazing, without doubt the best sex he'd ever had. It might have been because she was experimental, but the fact that he'd never been more attracted to another girl, nor as heart stoppingly in love, nor as besotted - well it all probably combined together. They often had sex in the missionary position and somehow, with her body beneath him, with her eyes half lidded, and her breathy moans floating in the air, with her legs wrapped around him, and her voice urging him to go faster and harder, well it was fucking amazing and he came so hard he worried condoms weren't enough.

'The wound has completely healed Joey,' Jen was saying. 'You can forget the bandage and try and use the hand as normal. I printed out some physio exercises that I want you to try and do at least three times a day. Five would be better.'

'Five then,' Joey stated simply. 'So I can paint? Type? Make dinner?'

'Behave as normal but there was extensive damage so don't expect miracles or to not have to work at certain things. I got this for you,' Jen handed Joey something that Pacey couldn't see clearly, 'keep it in your pocket and squeeze it. It'll give you some strength back.'

'Thank you Jen,' Joey was blatant in her sincerity, 'for everything. You've been very, very kind.'

'It was honestly a pleasure. Before we call Pacey over here and he can stop pretending not to eavesdrop, there were a couple of other things.'

'Ok?'

'Would you like to go on the pill? Or have a contraceptive injection? I shoved that bag of condoms at Pacey, but really you deserve to have a think about what might suit you best. I brought some leaflets.'

'We have a lot of sex. Aren't condoms safest?' she asked, blunt as always. Jen laughed a little,

'If you're having a lot of sex and you're clear of any STI's then an injection or an IUD are best. Lots of sex means lots of room for error and forgetting...'

'Yeah, we haven't always been brilliant at remembering before. Always before the...you know...finale!' Joey flushed a beautiful pink and Pacey thrilled at it.

'That's not a guarantee,' Jen stated kindly and Pacey now blushed as well, into the vegetable bed he was weeding.

'I know,' Joey shrugged, he could see that by peering up at her through the carrots.

'Try to cover the monkey before getting frisky,' Jen stated and Pacey tthe spontaneous burst of laughter from Joey,

'Yeah, ok.'

'And there's someaning else I'd like you to consider. I am assuming you don't want a baby?'

'No,' Joey stated and Pacey couldn't help feeling slightly disappointed which was stupid because _he_ didn't want a baby, certainly not yet.

'But one day?'

'Maybe,' Joey hedged. 'I don't know.'

'That's ok you know,' Jen laughed, 'you're twenty three. I'm twenty nine and I still have no clue. And mine - well they'd be partly Drue.'

'Your boyfriend?'

'He's a bit of a dumbass,' Jen said easily.

'But you love him?' Joey asked astutely.

'Like crazy,' Jen admitted, 'I mean sometimes I worry that being together with him will drive me crazy but he's upbeat. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh.'

'Well that's what matters right?'

'Right. So ok, I guess the baby question...do you want us to check you over? I know you're not having periods.'

'I don't know,' Joey sounded uncertain. 'That may be too much.'

'We could sedate you,' Jen offered, 'the medical professional answer to everything,' she joked, 'and I could borrow a portable ultrasound and do it here?'

'Oh here is fine,' Joey sighed, 'I mean if I'm happy to do it emotionally. Which I'm not sure I do want to. I mean I'm not sure I want kids but being told I couldn't...'

'Relax. I'm sure it's all ok. I still have a little leeway at the hospital where you're concerned and I thought we could just...I don't know, strike while the iron is hot.'

'Sure I guess,' Joey said and Pacey could hear her uncertainty, 'why do you have leeway?'

'Your story,' Jen answered pretty bluntly and Pacey looked up, all pretence of working forgotten.

'Should I ask for a Ferrari as well?'

'Nah, but I could swing free birth control,' Jen laughed.

'Sure. I'm pretty sure Pace wouldn't mind that.'

'I'm sure he wouldn't,' Jen agreed. 'Ok, so the next thing I wanted to talk about...'

'Regarding my medical care?' Joey clarified and Jen nodded,

'You seem less stressed around people?'

'I have increased my social circle greatly,' Joey said it, and Pacey could tell the words were intended to be slightly mocking, but she couldn't hide how proud she was. Luckily Jen heard it too,

'I think you've done amazingly well. I guess I'm asking if you want me to arrange for you to see someone? I have some anxiety medications that can help. Or do you just want to be left alone to work through it?' Jen looked expectantly at Joey, as did Pacey, and for a long while there was silence.

'The thing is I'm not alone right now,' she said at length and looked up at him. His heart skipped a happy beat. 'I love Pacey,' she apparently had no qualms about sharing this.

'A feeling I am assured is mutual,' Jen smirked, but then put her professional face back on.

'I fear, well I fear that if I continue the way I have been I would eventually lose him, because it may get boring.'

'That's not a reason to change. Because you fear your man may become bored,' Jen chided gently.

'Well it is in a way,' Joey attempted, 'because it's not in a regular way. I don't go out to work, I don't see people, I don't have lots of stories at the end of each day about my day. My life is wonderful but it is stagnant. Or was, until my interfering mail man decided to fix my house,' her voice was heavy with affection. 'What we have is amazing but different to regular relationships. I guess I'd like to try a little, make some changes and if you can offer help then I'll take it. This fear of people I have. I looked it up online and I don't think I fit into that entirely. I'm not shy. Not at all, but it's been so much easier and safer to hide myself away that I think there is distrust coupled with anxiety.'

'Well we can help. I think you're helping yourself. Pacey, and now me and Doug. Maybe we should subject you to Drue. Though Jack's a far better option.'

'But he's so tangled up in my head,' Joey admitted.

'Just think about it. I think if you manage to do that difficult meeting, well I think reintegrating will become easier. Other ideas are a visit to the site where your family diner was,' Jen suggested tactfully.

'Where they died you mean?' Joey was blunt.

'All of us place significance to places and things, but really the only place your family are is in your head, and that place - it may never be easy for you, but it is just a place and we can't be scared of places forever, especially when we want to carry on living.'

'I'm not sure I could do that.'

'Because you'll remember what you want to forget?' Jen asked and Joey looked at her. Pacey couldn't help but move onto the deck and sit beside her, his had taking hers.

'I actually don't want to forget. I mean, yes, that night I could do without reliving. But not them.'

'So deal with it. Not in a harsh unsympathetic way. I mean I've never really had to deal with much. I mean my mom is a cow, but I've been safe and loved my whole life. Look, maybe start with easy things. Go shopping with Pace at the twenty four hour market. But go at midnight. Or one am. Go for a walk in town late at night. Whatever you need Joey.'

'Ok,' Joey nodded, and rested her head on his shoulder. 'I'll think about that all. Will I see you again?'

'Yes,' Jen laughed, 'we'll do the birth control stuff and the ultrasound and we can then just be friends if you like?'

'I've never had a female friend,' Joey looked at Pacey and then Jen again.

'About time then. I'm great for when you want to complain about this one,' Jen thumped Pacey's shoulder as she packed up her bag. Joey laughed and Pacey hugged her tighter. He loved her laugh.

'Ok,' Joey smiled and Pacey stared.

'See you guys,' Jen stated and he looked at her in time to see her roll her eyes.

'Thank you. Oh, give me a minute,' Joey frowned and then stood surprising him. 'I'll be back in a second, ok,' she headed into the the house and Jen gave him a questioning look.

'No idea.'

'How are you? Quickly? You're blatantly loved up!' Jen rushed to ask and he felt the silly, goofy smile appear on his face,

'Blatantly,' he agreed, 'I'm good. Happy. My mom called. Had a go at me for not visiting in nearly nine months, but other than that all good.'

'Maybe around Christmas they could come here. Stay with Doug and come for a visit. She may be ok with that by then.'

'I may not. I hate seeing them. It's like they reset my confidence.'

'You have Joey now,' Jen said simply. 'She makes you feel good?'

'She makes me feel like a human and a superhero,' he chuckled softly, as Joey came out to the back door carrying one of her pictures.

'I didn't paint this for this purpose because I haven't been able to paint, but I know hospitals put up art work and I thought this particular one might be morale boosting,' she handed over Pacey's favourite picture, a mass of bright colours a little like a sunset. It was the kind of picture he stared at for hours, had stared at.

'I can't take this. It's amazing.'

'Of course you can,' Joey rolled her eyes, 'unless you don't like it. I couldn't think of another way to thank everyone.'

'Pacey said you sell them but I couldn't find you online?' Jen stared at the picture, clearly touched.

'Oh I use a fake name because of my dad. If he ever were released and he knew there was potentially something to exploit, then he would.'

'What name?'

'Lillian Welch. My mom's first name and Bodie...my, uh, sister's boyfriend, his last name. It's connected but disconnected, and I never mention Capeside.'

'Wow,' Jen smiled down at the picture. 'They're gonna love this so thank you.'

'I don't sell them for much. I've never felt good selling them for more than a couple of hundred bucks but I think they retail at a much higher rate. I only sell a few. I was asked to do a show a few times but you know...All I'm saying is if they want to sell it you could probably recoup a fair bit.'

'I don't think anyone will want to sell it,' Jen laughed.

'Ok,' Joey smiled. 'I'll do you one for your office if you want?'

'I want,' Jen said immediately.

'Provided my hand works,' Joey shrugged. Pacey found himself next to her wrapping an arm around her and kissing her head. He wished Jen would go.

'It will. In the end,' Jen reassured. 'See you in a few days Joey and see you tomorrow night Pace. Thank you Joey. Truly,' they both watched Jen head around the house to her car.

'So how much does a Lillian Welch go for?' he asked, slipping his hands between her skirt and her tank, his lips finding her ear lobe, loving her soft moan and the feel of her body squirming against his.

'Not sure. I looked once and it was a couple of grand but I don't understand why. I mean I like them, and they're good art I suppose, but there's so much out there, why pay so much?'

'I think they're wonderful,' he stared down at her and smiled as she looked at him with a smile of her own,

'You think everything of mine or to do with me is wonderful,' she teased.

'That's because it is,' he kissed her, then trailed his left hand down to take her right, marvelling at the feel of this unknown hand in his. He brought it before her eyes and kissed it. 'Looks good.'

'The scars messy but it feels ok. There's not much pain. It aches a bit is all,' she looked up from her hand and her eyes met his and he felt bone deep desire because when she looked at him like that he became Pacey the animal rather than Pacey the man. He wondered if he'd ever get used to it.

'Want to paint me?' he asked in a cranky voice, feeling quite hazy with longing. She smiled,

'Yes,' and pressed a kiss to his lips. 'I'll go get my oil paints. You're ok with method and madness and all of that?'

'Yeah I guess,' he shrugged wondering what she was proposing.

'Ok, good,' she disappeared inside and returned a while later with a large canvas, a box of oil paints and some brushes and a paint rag.

'Where should I go?' he asked feeling suddenly shy and ridiculous all at the same time, a sudden self consciousness at the fear of scrutiny.

'The shade is on the dock, let's go down there.'

'Ok,' he nodded and followed her down there. 'Ok, what now?'

'I guess take off everything except your boxers,' she requested and he did as she asked.

'You know I like my body but this makes ever me a little nervous,' he admitted and she laughed,

'You're great, I promise.'

'I've never modelled before, you know. I mean I had this friend growing up and he made movies, and he was always getting me to play roles in them. It may surprise you to know I'm not bad at the acting thing,' he watched her open up her paints and squeeze them onto her pallet.

'What kind of movies?' she asked. 'Lie down on your front. You can rest your head on your arms,' she dictated.

'Ok,' he positioned himself as she'd asked, 'the movies were all different. The first one he won an award for was _Monster from the Deep_. You can imagine! I was a monster and the lead guy.'

'I bet you were awesome,' she chuckled and he jumped as her weight landed on his behind.

'Um, uh...'

'I'm painting you,' she defended, 'not starting something.'

'If you don't want nookie why are ya sat on my ass?' he teased.

'To paint you,' she stated and he could almost picture her rolling her eyes. Then he felt cold paint land on his lower back,

'Woah, you mean actually paint me?' he heard his voice go high and scratchy and he tried to turn,

'Lay still,' she pressed on his shoulders, 'my hand isn't strong enough to do you any justice painting directly onto canvas, so I want to try this,' she pressed a kiss to his shoulder blades.

'Fine but I want messy, paint covered sex after,' he bargained as his annoyingly hard cock ground into the wood of the dock. It was with grudging acceptance he acknowledged the sex would be after.

'Sure,' she laughed softly and then he felt more paint. The soft coolness of the paint felt great against his hot skin, even the odd feel of the bristles felt good. Stupidly erotic, even though he knew she didn't intend that, but when she used a finger to smudge the paint he groaned softly.

'After I'm done,' she chided knowingly, 'more on this filmmaking friend of yours.' He sighed breathily, thankful Drue wasn't there to rip him apart and continued,

'As time progressed and he was all full of angst about girls and such and we moved into these torrid tales of young love thwarted.'

'Will you tell me about the girl...your girl not his,' Joey asked and Pacey chuckled,

'Same girl,' he admitted and she laughed, until she couldn't stop,

'Oh god I'm sorry. Maybe you've been all hung up and angsty about it for years.'

'Oh it was crazy town angst for a long time,' he laughed as well.

'You stole her off of him?' she asked and pressed a kiss to his neck.

'She wasn't with him and she came willingly,' he admitted thinking back. 'I loved her. I did and she loved me, but she cheated on me.'

'Why?' she asked it as though she couldn't understand why someone would do something so awful.

'She had a breakdown and she went to the clinic. We wrote, I visited, but when she came home it was Dawson she connected with and not me. She slept with him and it was over.'

'And you got over it with lots of casual sex?' she asked, her lips brushing his earlobe.

'Pretty much, yep,' he turned to look at her and she kissed his lips softly.

'And you and Dawson? Are you still in touch? Friends?'

'Actually yes,' Pacey chuckled, squirming beneath her at the feel of paint across his shoulders. Having her firm little ass sat on his butt did absolutely nothing to calm his raging hormones. 'Dawson is a lot of things and what he did was so, so wrong, but you can't force someone to love you. Andie clearly didn't love me, and Dawson - he was young and he made a mistake.'

'Did they stay together?'

'No, not originally. Andie claimed it was a mistake, tried to get us back together, but I just couldn't. I didn't speak to either of them much for a few months and then one day, Dawson he shows up at the video store where I used to work and...well we just carried on.'

'How old were you when you guys became friends?' she asked.

'Oh you know kids. His mom and dad knew what it was like for me and didn't pretend they didn't and so they had me over lots. He's planning a visit in a few weeks according to his last email. Labour day.'

'And you were gonna mention this when?' she wasn't pissed, well he didn't think she was.

'Uh, I guess I was gonna see how you were doing.'

'Ok,' she agreed but her voice was less jubilant and for a while she continued to paint in silence. 'Really it is ok,' she said at length. 'What I mean is I hope it will be.'

'It's fine if it isn't,' he attempted to reassure.

'It's not,' she sighed, a sound he hated when it wasn't breathy and full of desire, but sad and hopeless.

'I won't mind. Seriously. I'm not expecting miracles.'

'But what if we don't even get a near miracle. What if we get nothing? What if I try and things don't improve? You'll leave me. I know you will, not that I have any right to any type of expectation after four weeks.'

'I won't leave you,' he protested, desperate to turn over and hold her. 'Please sweetheart trust me. I've never felt this way before,' he could hear the utter sincerity and hoped she could too.

'Nobody has ever felt _this way _before until they do. And they only feel _this way_ until they don't.'

'Huh?' he didn't understand at all, and reached a hand behind his back and rested it crookedly on her leg, because this feeling in his stomach when she was hurting - he couldn't really explain how awful it made him feel, or why he would feel so awful because it wasn't guilt - he wasn't making her hurt. However, when she hurt, either physically or mentally it was like his insides were twisted in knots and then eels were set to sliver over and through them. It was nasty.

'Pace I love you,' she said and blobbed some paint. 'I never thought I'd fall in love. I've never really been interested in a relationship with another person until you. Until I saw you climb that stupid tree because you feared Bubba would bite you,' she put a hand, wet with paint, on his, 'when I saw you...I started to look out for you. Then you started with the messages and then the fixing and what started as captivating became need. I mean not in the literal sense, although with my hand that came too, but this need to know you and know about you. You are every bit as nice and as funny and as gorgeous up close as you were from afar. And I believe you love me. I do.'

'I do,' he echoed deep from within his eel infested belly.

'I think we're both a little obsessed and loved up and utterly consumed with each other,' she slid her thumbs through the paint on his back and he moaned a little.

'Yeah.'

'But that doesn't last, does it? I mean, that's not a reality of any relationship I've seen. In real life, on TV or in films. I mean maybe they're still in love but it's not with the same all consuming infatuation. It's real, covered in imperfections.'

'And all the more wonderful for it,' he stated surely, hearing her wry chuckle,

'Ah, yes, I agree. But my imperfections are unsightly scars. They're big and messy and they have a massive impact. I may never be better. You may never be able to have a friend of yours come hang out, or your family. I might never be able to have kids _and_ be their mother outside of these four walls. The infatuation will wear off and you may realize I'm pretty fucked up.'

'No,' he shook his head, 'aw fuck Joey, please can I turn over?'

'No,' she squeezed her thighs together, gripping his hips.

'I don't understand what you're saying here. I mean I know this is new and exciting and amazing, but I'm not dumb. I'm a realist same as you. So what are you saying, that theirs no hope? That we get this but what, I one day realize I don't love you? That's insane.'

'I'm just saying you have to accept that I may not get better. I will try but that it may not happen. You have to think and decide whether that limited a life is something you want. If it's not then you owe it to both of us to say so.'

'Fuck,' he grumbled feeling woefully distant because he couldn't look at her.

'You can sit up, but carefully. I want you to then lie back on the canvas,' she shifted off his bottom and he pushed up from the dock planning to kiss her, to tell her she was talking crazy but when he looked at her she had such a serious expression on her face. Apparently levity wouldn't be what she wanted. He needed to address her concern, really that was the only way for her to know that he couldn't see his feelings going or even fading.

'I adore you,' he stated, 'but you're right - I owe it to both of us to be sure, so I'll think and you try and we'll go from there.'

'And in the meantime we love each other?' she asked, looking so unbelievably innocent.

'Yes,' he agreed.

'Ok,' she nodded. 'Now wait a second and let me put the canvas behind you, then you need to lay back.'

'Ok,' he watched her put her brush down and move the canvas behind him before she straddled his waist, rocking ever so slightly and smililing at his moan and the way his hands grasped her hips. However, she took his hands so he could lay slowly back. Despite his distraction by the decidedly awesome position, he was intrigued by the art, it didn't however stop his hands finding the ski at her waist and stroking.

'After,' she gave him a wink and his whole body throbbed its approval. 'Ok, now up again,' she requested and he pushed to sitting, wrapping his arms around her, his hands landing on her hips and rocking her just enough to create friction. Her eyes fluttered, she smiled and kissed him, but then he realized her hadn't seen the picture and stopped her, because he did want to see it.

'I wanna see the picture,' he insisted and so she reached behind him, her soft chest pressing up against his and moved the canvas beside them. She pressed her head into the space between his shoulder and his chin and together they stared at it. It was a mass of swirling colours - eclectic and beautiful, with gold somehow woven in. It wasn't careful or precise and the colours had smudged slightly in the pressing of his back to the canvas. It was undeniably an artistic triumph, in his humble opinion anyway. He stared at the colours, separate but entwined, clear lines and blurred ones, and it seemed to be if not a metaphor, a reflection of his romance with the artist. He wondered what their end result could possibly be - a thing of beauty like the canvas or a disaster. He pulled her closer.


	12. Chapter 12

**Hey guys,**

**Here's chapter 12! Please, please review. I'm suffering a crisis of confidence and I didn't have much feedback on the last chapter. I know I'm always begging for reviews but sometimes it's really, really necessary. **

**Thanks to those who did review and please let me know what you think!**

**Tab:-)**

**Chapter Twelve**

Pacey stared at Joey's naked form. She was turned away from him, on the bed one hand hanging off the bed and on Bubba's back. His eyes trailed over her shoulder blades that looked like delicate bird wings under the smooth tan of her skin. His eyes followed the slope of her ribs down to that perfect hollow before her hip bones swelled, and then her impossibly long legs. She was beautiful, and his breath still caught in his throat when he looked at her, which surprised him because he got to look at her most of the time. Even when he was working on the house, a portion of his attention would be on her, especially now she was helping him out, able to yield a hammer with her right hand. Staring at her filled him with a warmth that wasn't entirely due to his utter attraction, but to love he guessed. He hadn't felt like this with Andie and he'd thought he'd loved her, but with Joey, there was no question that he loved her, that she made him happy in life. More than that she made him feel differently about himself, about who he was as a person. A life filled with self-hatred and self-deprecation had turned itself around to feelings of self-approval and of fulfillment. Being with Joey he'd actually started to like himself, trust his judgements, his abilities and to feel like he was worth something. It was strange.

He sighed into the room filled with the light of dawn. Joey had fallen asleep after they'd fucked, but his sleep had been fitful. Saying they fucked felt like too crass a term now, and that was weird because he didn't have a problem with being crass. But everything about this girl enchanted him, and even when it was fevered and all consuming as it had been after he'd been out for the evening, even when he dragged her rear end up against him and pushed into her, with one hand grasping at her nipple and his thighs hitting her ass cheeks, well it still felt like more than just fucking, because she wasn't just some girl, and being inside her tight little body wasn't just a turn on, but important to him on an emotional level.

The summer was nearly over, and the labour day weekend was coming up at the end of the week, and with it Dawson's arrival. The leaves on the trees were still mostly green, and the weather was still hot, but there was a change in the feel of things, an anticipation of something - he didn't have a clue what, but he could feel it. It might be the burnt orange of the leaves on certain trees, or the chill in the air at nightfall, whatever it was was affecting Pacey more than he liked. His stomach was in knots and there was a tight apprehension to his actions and feelings that hadn't been there earlier in the summer. He felt a tinge of disquiet, of something being wrong but was unable to put into words or even thoughts what was driving those emotions. He was shaken from his thoughts as Joey turned to face him, her naked breasts looking delicious and inviting, her eyes shining in the morning light as she smiled at him.

'You look so serious,' she whispered and he shrugged hoping to indicate nonchalance.

'Just staring at you,' he smiled and moved closer to her, his arm curling around her, his hand grasping at a glorious tit, as she turned, pressing her ass into his groin, rubbing against his naked cock. It felt fucking awesome, but he knew it was for sleep, not because she was starting anything - she was clearly still half asleep. Somehow having his hand encasing her soft breast helped him quell his anxiety, and he pressed his face against her neck. 'I love you,' he whispered, but as he drifted to the brink of sleep his stomach turned unpleasantly.

* * *

Pacey sat in the sunshine on the swing seat watching as Joey and Bubba played in the water. Joey was naked, apparently she always swam naked and it was a captivating scene. Two months of watching it and on occasion joining in hadn't altered his opinion that watching her swim in the creek and play with her dog would forever be one of his favourite things, an instance so evocative of this surreal summer that it would always twist his stomach in nostalgic remembrance. This was after all the manner in which he first laid eyes on the individual who had so unravelled his focus, even before he knew she was heart stoppingly beautiful.

'Hey,' she stood, a glistening silhouette before him and he tugged her onto his lap not caring that she was dripping with icy cold creek water.

'Hi,' he wrapped his arms tight around her.

'What's up? You seem like you're contemplating all of life's complexities?'

'I am a little,' he admitted. 'I'm thinking about how much I love watching you swim. I love it so much I'd like the world to see what I get to see, but then of course I'd hate that because you're mine. I think I sometimes want to boast. No one but Jen and Doug know how utterly divine you are,' he pressed his face to her wet neck. Despite her wonderful progress initially, Joey's social circle was still limited to just three individuals.

'I'm sorry. I don't know why I got so freaked out when Jen brought Drue over. It just felt overwhelming. The way you all describe him - well I've known guys like that, back when I was at school, they were the kind that made fun, spread rumours. I could just imagine him coming here and then talking all over town about the mad girl.'

'You're not mad,' Pacey chided, but he'd made the argument so many times he was beginning to feel frustrated. 'Have you thought about Dawson?'

'I don't know,' she shifted herself on his lap so her naked form was straddling him. It was an undeniable turn on and Pacey felt his focus shifting from the social issues surrounding their relationship and to her slender waist that he placed his hands on. 'I'll try. Maybe if Doug or Jen came as well. Maybe both?' she gave him _the eyes_ as he now referred to them in his head. He used the phrase when she looked at him with wide eyes, lashes looking stupidly long, her face innocent and beautiful. When she did he could see every colour in her iris's and it felt like they reached into his heart with a magic beam and tied it in knots. He was literally putty in her hands when she turned them on him.

'I'll, uh, see if they can make it.'

'I will try Pacey. I know it would mean a lot to you,' she unbuttoned his Hawaiian shirt and her hands fluttered over his chest. 'Have a barbecue here, you can swim and enjoy the end of summer. If it's too much for me, or I...just can't, well I'll go inside.'

'Ok,' he nodded dumbly, though this had already been the plan and he'd wanted more of a commitment that she'd meet his friend, even if he knew he couldn't expect one. As if she could see his disappointment she stopped her roving hands and kissed his jaw,

'I'm sorry,' she whispered.

'Nah, it's ok,' he couldn't quite care when she was sat in him naked, though it was beginning to bother him around the edges of his happiness. As if this summer and their love affair were a beautiful colourful quilt, only the edges were beginning to fray. He wanted sex, and the problem with wanting sex was he couldn't think about much else. This girl turned his brain so quickly to mush by making his cock so hard. His hands slid down to her thighs which were spread across his legs, opening her up to his eager hands and eyes. He groaned, overwhelmed with the complexities of the decision making ahead of him - to use his hand, to spread those folds wider yet and push his fingers inside of her, because he would be able to see it all so well, or to push off his shorts and underwear and bring her down onto his cock, have her rock away with him inside of her, with her tit in his mouth and his hands on her ass. Fucking decisions, was his only conclusion. His hands smoothed over her ass and it was decision made. He reached between them and shoved at his shorts, her body lifting knowingly as he shoved them down and then kicked them off with his feet. His cock was achingly hard for her to surround it, and his hands gripped firmly at her hips. She laughed, a laugh that died as he moved a hand between her legs, rubbing at her clit, and sliding his fingers through the wetness there. She was wet and not from the water and so he moved one of his hands back to her hip and with the other held his cock, angling himself so with one officious tug she encased him. It felt fucking amazing, and he moved his other hand back to her hip and then looked up at her beautiful face for a moment. Her eyes were shut and she was biting on her lower lip. While he was looking at her face her hand found his shoulders and she shifted up and nearly off of him before slamming her hips back down, the friction everything he wanted and needed and he groaned, and then groaned again at her soft moan, and the flutter of her eyelids.

'Fuck,' he cursed as her lithe body began to move up and down his cock with a steady rhythm, driving him closer and closer to his orgasm. An orgasm that still came far too quickly now Joey had had the contraceptive injection and they didn't have to use condoms. He looked down between them, staring at his cock disappearing inside of her, like some sort of live porno, feeling everything in his body begin to tighten. 'Gah,' he protested because she _had_ to come, she always had to. He tugged her closer against his body but didn't interrupt her rhythm - he thought he might cry if she stopped - so that there was friction against her clit. Luckily for him it didn't seem to take her long, and the approach of her orgasm spurned her on harder and faster, until he cried out, coming hard inside of her, a fact she clearly didn't care about as she moved against his sensitive cock a couple more times before crying out herself. He pressed his face between her breasts, because he loved it there. He took deep breaths and pressed a kiss to each breast, his arms tight around her. He turned his head, pressing his ear to where her heart was and the steady thump soothed him.

'I'm sorry I'm making you sad,' she ran her fingers through his hair.

'You're not making me sad,' he stated even though it wasn't entirely true.

'But it's like I thought. You want more, right?'

'I don't know,' he admitted, 'I want you. I know that deep in the core of my bones, in my heart, in my brain. I want you. I love you. I don't doubt that I love you more than anything I just...I don't know, wish...' he trailed off, unsure of how to continue.

'That it could be easier?' she asked and he nodded,

'And the thing is you and I - that isn't hard. That's magic, total, fairytale magic. But I want to share my life with my friends and family. I...'

'Just wish it were easier,' she finished for him and he shrugged,

'You'll try with Dawson?'

'I'll try,' she confirmed with a note of insecurity, pressing soft kisses to his forehead, but then stopped. He looked up at her, but kept his lips on her chest,

'I still want this. I still want you,' he hated to think of what her feelings of insecurity might involve and whatever distance there was still to go for her socially, she had come a long way.

'You're sure?' she asked and he realized that he was still inside of her - she was asking if he was still sure about being with her, while being connected physically. It irked him that she might be feeling a disconnect where he didn't feel one, that she may doubt herself that much, or them that much.

'I'm very sure,' he confirmed and she shifted off of him, curling up beside him on the seat and resting her head against his chest,

'I feel very close to you when we have sex,' she murmured against his chest, her breath fanning the sparse hair there. 'Being physically close to a human wasn't something I was ever particularly comfortable with. Growing up, well the only time I was close to another human was when my sister and I were hiding - either from my dad or my mom. Sometimes both. We had this place inside the inbuilt closet in the spare room upstairs. Well that was our room and there used to be this tiny gap behind the back wall, and I don't think my mom or dad knew it was there, so when they were drunk, or stoned, or angry, or in a rage, we hid there, squashed together. By the time we were to big to fit in there together Bessie had Bodie and was spending most of her time with him. When mom died and dad went to prison, before he killed them all, when we lived here together - that was the best time. Still, there wasn't a lot of physical affection. Maybe with Alex,' she smiled softly and he threaded his fingers through hers.

'He was cute I bet?'

'Would you like to see photos?' she asked brightly and he smiled in response,

'Yes, I really would,' he couldn't begin to imagine her family. 'Because there weren't any out I guess I assumed that there weren't any.'

'Ah, no, there are a few. Not many, but a few from when I lived with Bessie and Bodie. I found it too hard to have them out all the time. Give me a sec,' she stood and padded into the house. Pacey found himself twisting in his seat to watch her go. Bubba gave a bark and he looked at the dog,

'I know I'm pathetic,' he rolled his eyes and leaned over to pat the dog before pulling on his boxers and shorts. A couple of minutes later Joey reappeared, her wet hair scooped up into a messy bun and wearing a gorgeous navy blue floor length sundress. He was sure there was a name for the style, but he didn't know what it was, only that she looked good enough to eat and that he would love to take her out looking like that, 'you look very pretty,' he told her and she smiled, before perching beside him on the swing seat and resting an old photo album on her knee. 'Just the one album?'

'Just the one,' she shrugged easily and opened it to the first page. 'My mom and dad's wedding,' she pointed to the first picture, her mom in a hippy style white sundress and her dad in a loose shirt, his hair long and his face covered by a beard. They were a good looking couple and there was no denying that, except that they looked young, and poor. They looked like any couple might - in love and beautiful on their wedding day. As Joey pointed out her mom, her dad, her sister and herself, Pacey made several conclusions. The wedding photo was a good photo. The rest were more revealing. He could see that Joey and her sister weren't cared for. He could see in the photos that her mom had an alcohol issue, and he could see that her father had issues in general. Joey was a cute little girl. Very different in looks to her sister though they were both pretty. In Joey though, everything had come together so perfectly. Her sister looked harder than she should have but fierce in a good way. The photos from when Joey lived with Bessie and Bodie were better, more vibrant and happy. Joey and Bessie hugging, Joey with Bodie and a pregnant Bessie. Bodie looked like a nice guy. His smile was warm and he was always looking at Bessie with an infatuation Pacey recognized. The baby was extremely cute but it hurt to look knowing what had happened.

'I love these,' he said when they reached the end, holding the album against his chest.

'I guess they tell a story,' she admitted. 'Maybe I should put a couple out. That one of Bessie pregnant with Bodie and me, and the one of Bes and Alex.'

'I think that would be nice,' he nodded.

'You know...' she began and then trailed off, biting her lip.

'I don't know,' he teased.

'I like to write. I guess I'm a person that needs to express myself. I obviously paint but I used to write a lot. Before my hand I still did.'

'What did you write?' he asked, unable to hide his surprise. She leaned across and brushed her fingers over the stubble on his jawline, then over his nose.

'Once you began coming I wrote about you,' she admitted with a coy smile, her eyes coquettish as they locked with his. 'Odes to your eyes, your jaw. I made up stories about who you might be. It was fun, though you in reality are far better than the you I created.'

'It's usually the other way round,' he chuckled, feeling so entranced he felt drugged,

'I wrote a couple of novels. There's one...it's like a re-telling of all that happened. Maybe you could read it?'

'Yes,' he was far too enthusiastic.

'I always imagine being brave enough to send it to a publisher. You know sell a million copies and be rich. I dream of not living in poverty, you know?'

'Well yeah I guess I did,' he responded lamely.

'I know, don't worry. My weirdness makes me seem satisfied with this life where I never have enough. But I imagine this place fully restored. The roof redone, the dock redone. A nice little rowboat.'

'Maybe a little extension to make the kitchen bigger and add an extra bedroom?'

'Yeah,' she grinned. 'And re plastering. I'd love to do that. Bessie had such big ideas. She said back when I was little our mom talked about having her own B&amp;B by the creek. A romantic little getaway. I like the idea of that. Of course I'd be useless, but it's a nice idea.'

'It's a great idea. This place is idyllic. You could even do the whole organic, free range thing. We'd have to build Bubba a dog house, or else train him not to snap and snarl.'

'I think Bubba snaps and snarls when he feels my apprehension. He's actually not that vicious.'

'I know,' he laughed. 'Let me read the novel. I can critically appraise. I read a lot.'

'I know,' she laughed this time and took the photo album from him. 'Please give me some more time. I know I can't ask for forever, and I know...well I know you're finding it harder than you thought you would, but I love you. You and Bubba are about all I love in this world so please give me a little more time.'

'You don't even have to ask,' he meant it to. While he couldn't order the disquiet in his soul to leave him be, he did know that the thought of leaving her caused a physical ache and his entire being revolted at the idea.

* * *

'Pacey,' Joey's voice roused him from sleep and he opened his heavy eyes.

'Huh, whatsup?' he instinctively pulled her close and pressed a kiss against her neck. He turned his head to see it was 5.23, about seven minutes before the alarm went off so he could get to work on time. 'Morning,' usually she only woke him up early for one thing, or he woke her, though normally they gave themselves half an hour. Still he wasn't one to spurn morning sex even if this quickie would have to be super quick. He rolled on top of her, more than ready to take advantage. She laughed,

'No not sex,' she rolled her eyes, 'I woke you for something better,' she looked so happy, so pleased with herself.

'A skinny dip at dawn, followed by sex?' he asked.

'No sex. Nothing to do with sex,' she smiled. He was sure his face fell in disappointment,

'Even if I'm really quick? Maybe in the shower?' he rubbed himself against her and she sighed, a happy, turned on sigh.

'Just come downstairs quickly, please,' she begged eagerly and he nodded, rolling off of her and taking her hand to pull her up. Her excitement was contagious, and together with Bubba they just about tripped down the stairs. She pulled him through to the kitchen and gestured to the small dining table, 'tah dah!' On the table were two cloth bags and inside of them were chips, bread rolls, sausages, mince to make burgers, everything he'd written on a list. He turned to look at her, aware his jaw must be practically on the floor and she was smiling at him, clearly proud of herself. He didn't even remember making the move that had her encased in his arms,

'You did it? You went to the store!'

'I did,' she laughed into his neck. 'I got everything on your list!'

'Oh my god, I'm so proud of you. I'm _so_ proud,' he kissed every bit of her beautiful face. 'How come you just went?' he asked between kisses, 'I had no idea...'

'I crept out of bed at around four and I walked there. Bubba came with me. He waited outside. He was great.'

'You were great,' he nuzzled her neck, unsure whether he could ever have enough of her. 'How was it? Did you feel ok? I can't believe you did that!'

'It was ok. I mean the shop was deserted and the streets were deserted and I may have been a little moody to the lady in the store, but she seemed like she was half asleep. It was no big deal really,' she slid her bum onto the table and he slotted between her legs. He knew that despite what she might say it was a huge deal.

'You are amazing,' he cooed. 'One question though - why didn't you take the truck?' It would have made much more sense given the distance to the store. Doug's truck was now practically Pacey's, so much so that he was going to offer to buy it off of his brother.

'Because I can't drive,' she wrinkled her nose and rolled her eyes.

'You can't, what?' he frowned. 'Oh baby, I'm gonna teach you to drive,' the term of endearment baby just sliding off his tongue.

'Baby?' she teased, her eyes bright and sparkly.

'Yep,' he kissed her - a long, leading kiss despite knowing that he needed to get ready and there was no time for this particular kiss to lead anywhere. 'Well done,' he murmured at length.

'Thanks,' she whispered into the kiss and he could feel her smile.

* * *

'Ok, so I spoke to Doug and Dawson called and said he'll be there in about an hour. He's more than happy staying at Doug's like I said, so don't worry. I'm gonna head there for when Dawson gets there and I'll show him around town, we'll have a few games of pool, go out for lunch. Then we'll head back here at around three I guess?'

'Ok,' she nodded, her teeth worrying her bottom lip.

'The place looks amazing,' he smiled gently. The place did look gorgeous. The maintenance he'd started nearly four months earlier was finally finished. The gutters were cleared and the garden was a cornucopia of deliciousness - apples, raspberries, the onions were ready, the beans were good. They'd begun to harvest potatoes, and would extract the honey form her two hives the following week. Pacey couldn't wait to do that. The kitchen was clean and he'd picked up a pretty tablecloth from IKEA, as well as a wooden garden table and chairs set. The beauty of buying at the end of summer was everything was discounted. He'd even bought a couple of adirondack chairs which Joey had gushed over, claiming she'd wanted them her whole life, that they symbolized a life she never thought she'd have. He was surprised by the lump in his throat at that, and had wished he'd bought them for her sooner.

'I'll put some flowers around,' she promised. 'And blow up the silly inflatable things you got,' she rolled her eyes and he grinned,

'They'll be fun.'

'I'm sure,' she was condescending and it just made his grin grow.

'So you see we're all ready.'

'We are,' she nodded, but her teeth were still clamped around that plump bottom lip.

'Jen is going to be here when we get here, ok?'

'Really?' she looked at him, clearly relieved.

'Really. She knows this is a big deal for you.'

'Thank you.'

'You can always try getting drunk,' he offered with a cheeky grin and she actually smiled,

'I've never been drunk,' she admitted and he hahed her loudly,

'You can't drive, you've never been drunk! Seriously lady, you have some life experiences ahead of you!'

'Hmmm,' she murmured with her eyes locked on his, her hands clasped behind his neck. She drew him closer and kissed him,

'Enough of your sauciness frauline, I have to go,' he protested jovially, but really it was always so hard to leave her.

'You should stay here,' she cooed, 'with me...'

'I want to stay,' he assured her, quite sincerely. 'I always wanna be with you.'

'We could sunbathe, and swim, and fuck...'

'Jo,' he groaned.

'I know, I know, you have to go,' she pouted and he kissed her bottom lip, nipping it lightly.

'I love you,' he half sang.

'Mmm, I love you,' she agreed.

'But I've gotta go,' he untangled himself and then re tangled himself to kiss her senseless. 'Now I've gotta go.'

'Bye Pace,' she gave him a little wave and she and Bubba walked him to the truck. He got in and reversed out before driving down the rough road, watching Joey and Bubba get smaller and smaller. He was so utterly smitten it was hard for even him to comprehend quite how much he loved being with her.

* * *

Dawson pulled up around 11, blond hair no longer flopping about but cut short and stylish. His friend looked good, which a year ago would have irked Pacey good and proper but now he felt good about himself. He had paid off his debt, he had a small amount of savings. He knew he had an awesome body because he'd never had one before. Apparently working hard at a physical job could give even him a subtle six pack and defined abs and biceps. It wasn't like he was ripped, but he was pretty satisfied with the overall effect. Dawson had always had - just _had_ in general. Perfect home, loving parents, stability. In short he'd had everything Pacey hadn't. And Pacey had been jealous, though that had only been sporadic because Dawson shared. Stealing Andie, or whatever it was Dawson and done was technically unforgivable but Pacey actually believed he was sorry and that was surprisingly enough to save their friendship.

'D man, how are you?' Pacey enveloped his friend in a bear hug, and Dawson hugged him back just as enthusiastically.

'I'm good, I'm good. Feeling pretty thrilled - my show got picked up,' Dawson couldn't hide his excitement and Pacey was genuinely happy for him,

'Man that's awesome. I never had a doubt.'

'What about you? You look great,' Dawson stood back and appraised him.

'I'm in love,' he admitted with a wide grin.

'Aren't you always?' Dawson laughed as he pulled his bag from the car.

'Nah. Lust maybe, but this...this girl is everything.'

'Really?' Dawson arched his eyebrows dramatically.

'I'm not gonna deny that she's the sexiest, most beautiful girl in the entire world...'

'No I shouldn't imagine you would,' Dawson smirked.

'I know you think I'm exaggerating but seriously, I'm not,' Pacey followed Dawson into his brother's house.

'Not even a little?' Dawson teased.

'You spent our entire teenage years waxing lyrical over one girl or another and when you see my girl you're going to realize you didn't know what beautiful was.'

'Ok,' Dawson chuckled, 'though the girls you go for aren't always so classy I'll admit they're pretty.'

'Joey's classy. She's not like any girl. And it's not just that she's beautiful. She's funny man, and sweet and kind, and brutally blunt about stuff. She's got ideas about things, and she makes me think about stuff, more than I do usually. She makes me feel like I can do anything.'

'Like you said you're in love,' Dawson laughed.

'I'm sorry, I can't think about much beyond her,' Pacey admitted sheepishly. 'Tell me about the TV show...'

Dawson talked and Pacey listened. He was happy for his friend, his dreams were coming true. He'd always been somewhat envious of Dawson who'd known since he was tiny that he wanted to be a filmmaker. Dawson had known and been passionate and determined. Pacey had had no idea what he wanted to be. He'd wanted to be left alone. He hadn't really believed he could be anything. Since Joey he'd felt possibility. He was a good mailman and he loved his job, but he'd also done an awesome job on her house. He wanted to do more. Fix up the windows, restore the frames. He was pretty sure he could do that. He's seen an old row boat for sale for only a hundred bucks and he thought he might restore it. It was part of Joey's fantasy after all and after the adirondack chairs had made her so happy.

'Where are you?' Dawson asked with a smile.

'I'm sorry. You were telling me about the actress you're dating?'

'I'm not in love, so how about we take a walk and find somewhere for lunch and you me more about your girlfriend...' Dawson gestured for Pacey to fill in her name.

'Joey.'

'Joey?'

'Short for Josephine.'

'Joey,' Dawson repeated. 'Tell me how you met?'

Pacey spent the entire walk telling Dawson about Joey. He shared how they met, about Bubba snapping and his tree climbing. He shared about his misconception that the crazy lady of Capeside was elderly, and about his decision to fix her house.

'But why?' Dawson had asked with a frown.

'I don't know,' Pacey didn't want to get into the psychological method behind his madness, 'I just wanted to help I guess. Especially because she didn't seem to be able to help herself.'

'Ok, so here is where I lose what's going on,' Dawson said as they took a seat on the deck of his favourite creek side restaurant.

'Joey, uh, well she has a phobia...'

'Like agoraphobia? Really?' Dawson frowned.

'Well no. It's very complicated,' he stared out at the creek. Complicated was an understatement.

'You wanna share? It's ok if it's something you shouldn't.'

'Well no it's fine. Simply put Joey's family wasn't nice and that had a big impact.'

'Like your family?' Dawson asked easily and Pacey shook his head.

'I wish,' Pacey muttered, 'and if I wish that you'll know it was bad.'

'Was she beaten? Something like that?' Dawson's brow was furrowed.

'Her mom drank and her dad was a user and dealer,' Pacey began, aware that Dawson's interest was piqued. Dawson made films about _real life_, but it was life as he knew it. Pacey himself was the person with the most challenging background in Dawson's world. 'Heroine mostly,' he continued, 'probably other stuff. So the early years were pretty awful. Her mom died and her dad was locked up. Long story short, because really, I don't think it's my place, her dad was released and he set fire to the family restaurant killing Joey's sister, her sisters boyfriend and their baby,' Dawson gasped,

'That's horrific Pacey,' he shook his head and Pacey was reminded of what it was he liked about Dawson.

'She ran because she didn't want to go into foster care. She lived on the streets and then as a recluse.'

'So you met her how?' Dawson asked and Pacey didn't answer as they gave their order to the waitress. Then he told Dawson about their romance, about Joey's aversion to people. About how she may not manage to meet him but she was going to try.

'So you see, it's not fucking simple,' he said and Dawson stared at him,

'You know that would make a great movie...'

'No,' Pacey shook his head vehemently. 'Absolutely not.'

'I'm just saying. I would never,' Dawson held his hands up in surrender. 'I just think it's an amazing story. Romantic too.'

'It is romantic,' Pacey admitted, 'but it's hard too. Harder than I thought it would be.'

'Huh?'

'Well it's hedonistic, and romantic to be in this secluded house with its magical garden and it's idyllic view, and Joey - she's this goddess. She walks around naked, and when she laughs, it's like standing and looking out at the ocean as the sun rises. It's everything,' he closed his eyes, trying to put into words what that tiny nubbin of anxiety he'd been feeling meant. 'It's been dreamlike but we all wake up.'

'So all this talk and you're saying you're going to end it?' Dawson stared uncomprehending.

'Oh I couldn't. You don't understand. I can't leave this girl. I'm infatuated, obsessed, just entirely in love, but I worry. I worry that...I don't know...she'll never be able to be more. That we won't.'

'More than being in love and living somewhere beautiful. Isn't that what we're all looking for?'

'No, I don't think it is. We look for someone to build a future with. To travel through life with. A partner with whom we can grow and experience the highs and lows of life.'

'And she isn't that?'

'I think I could have a wonderful happy life with her, but I think in five years I'll be working as a mailman and we'll be where we are now. The same in another five and another. We won't go anywhere. My friends won't know her. Well except for Doug and Jen. I'll meet the others in a bar in town. We'll never go anywhere except for her house. We won't have kids because she won't think it's fair to them.'

'You said she was working on things. Isn't this a little doom and gloom theatrical?'

'She nearly lost her hand,' Pacey attempted to explain, 'It's a big issue. And I'm so proud of her because she's trying so hard, but I see how much she struggles.'

'We all have things we're struggling with,' Dawson attempted and Pacey appreciated it, because it was true of course. His easy slides into self-deprecation hell were a clear example.

'You're right I know. She's proactive in getting help, she's doing well...I don't know maybe I need to focus on what I want, and less on what I worry about with her?'

'That is always true,' Dawson smirked at him and Pacey chuckled,

'Not all of us knew at seven what we wanted to be you know,' he pointed out.

'So what are the contenders?' Dawson asked. 'What can you see yourself doing?'

'House restoration, my own restaurant, or...well I don't know. I guess I just want to be happy, have a family and a fulfilling life.'

'Work out what you want to do and do it Pace. You are the best person I know for sticking at something. The other thing to remember is this,' Dawson paused, clearly choosing his words carefully, 'we've all fallen in love with the wrong people before. I know that's true because when I did that it hurt you. I guess my point is, you're in love with this girl, it's obvious. But if she's not right for you...'

'But she is Dawson,' Pacey knew what Dawson was trying to say, but clearly he didn't understand this connection between he and Joey, 'she's so, so, so right for me. It's just that this thing...this aversion to others, it's huge.'

'She can be completely right for you and not be you know? No one would think badly of you if you ended it. I think they'd understand,' Dawson looked so serious, so genuine that Pacey had to mentally restrain himself to try and not blow up.

'I'm just not going to end it. I'm just not. I hate to be away from her. I hate it,' he was beginning to blab but he needed to explain, or try to, still unable to formulate words to address that niggle he'd been carrying around. 'I love her. She's everything to me. I think about her all the time, I'm interested in every damn thing she has to say. She makes me dancing in the streets happy. I can't leave her. I can't and that worries me slightly. I don't want to leave her, but I fear that this issue she has...this niggle that I have...it could become bigger than me because I do want kids. A family. A normal family unlike what I had. Joey is many amazing things but entirely normal is not one of them and while she would be a great mom...she also couldn't be a mom...not in a regular sense. She couldn't go to school, or take the kid for ice cream, to the park.'

'Why are you worrying about kids now, there's so much time for change,' Dawson gave him a look.

'Because I want to marry this girl, because I have to accept that having this girl may mean not having any of that.'

'I think you should breathe Pace, breathe deeply. Time is a wonderful thing,' Dawson said simply. 'You're committed, now help her - it's what you do best.'

'Girls I can save,' Pacey grumbled.

'She may surprise you, if you give her the time to,' he smiled and Pacey appreciated the advice but realized that really Dawson had no clue.

'She's going to try really hard this afternoon,' Pacey hedged.

'It'll be fine,' Dawson was dismissive and Pacey knew that despite his attempt to convey the situation Dawson didn't really understand because Joey wasn't in Pacey's normal wheelhouse. She wasn't blond, buxom, frivolous. She was special. The conversation moved off of Pacey and back onto Dawson and he was relieved.

* * *

They pulled up to Joey's house at around three thirty. Pacey had decided not to rush things, hopefully give Joey a chance to calm herself and for Jen to definitely be there. As they pulled up he couldn't help but feel the swell of pride in his chest. He wasn't sure he'd ever felt that way but knowing all he'd done to the house, knowing that Dawson was about to see just how stunning his girlfriend was, well he felt pride. Dawson was staring at the house, which from the front was admittedly unspectacular.

'I, uh, replaced the whole front porch, cleared and replaced some of the gutters, and the whole left side was going to collapse, so I, uh, stabilized that,' he hastened to explain, only too aware now that Dawson was staring that actually Joey's house was old and small, and even fixed up as it was, it wasn't anything like what Dawson was used to. Feeling old insecurities creeping in he pulled himself together and decided to get a grip. He and Dawson had never been on the same starting page in life, and Dawson was already streets ahead of Pacey. However, while Pacey wouldn't turn wealth down, he had no urge for fame, or the industry in which Dawson had found his way. He knew he shouldn't compete.

'It's good work Pace,' Dawson had moved to the porch for a closer inspection and Pacey appreciated the effort.

'We'll head round the back,' he said at length, after answering Dawson's polite questions about the work he'd done. In amiable silence they wondered around to the back. Dawson stopped short,

'Wow,' he stated and when Pacey looked at him his mouth was slack. 'It's like the secret garden,' he stated. 'Is that a bee hive?'

'There are two actually, and some free range chickens and...' as he was about to say Bubba's name the dog gave out a warning growl from on the back deck, 'Bubba.' Bubba came barreling over snapping and barking. 'Bubba **no,**' he stated sternly and the dog stopped snapping and growled. 'Dawson is a friend,' he iterated and patted Dawson's back. The dog gave Dawson a suspicious once over and then looked at Pacey as if to say, '_on your head be it_.'

'The dog is big,' Dawson was clearly still taken by the scene, his eyes on the creek, though his eyes kept flicking to the dog who'd lumbered back to the house. 'Look at that creek. You need a boat!'

'Planning on one. The dog is protective of Joey. He had to be when she was on the street.'

'Yeah,' Dawson nodded. 'At the front of the house I couldn't understand why you describe this place as so idyllic, but it is truly stunning. My show should be set somewhere like this...'

'You're not using this place, no way no how. This is my little piece of heaven,' Pacey teased and Dawson laughed,

'Ok, but somewhere like this. Maybe Joey would have some ideas.'

'Maybe,' Pacey stated looking to the back porch, discouraged to see it empty. 'Come on,' they headed into the house and Pacey opened a couple of beers. Dawson didn't hide his appraising eyes, looking at the art work on the walls, the small rundown kitchen, and then yet again at the view from the house.

'Joey do the paintings?'

'Yeah,' he grinned because Dawson was staring at the one she'd done recently using his back. 'She painted me to make that,' he said.

'They're very cool. Does she sell them? One would look great in my office.'

'If I ask I'm sure she'd give you one.'

'I'd love one. Where is she anyway?'

'Probably hiding upstairs with our friend Jen. You can go sit in the sun. I'll go see if she can come down.'

'Sure,' Dawson gave a half smile, half frown and headed for the deck swing seat. Pacey headed up the stairs and into the bedroom he shared with Joey. Joey was sat on the bed, Bubba at her feet and Jen sat beside her where he usually slept.

'Hey girls,' he sat on the bed next to Joey and pressed a kiss to her forehead. 'You up here hanging out?'

'We were going to paint our nails,' Jen stated because Joey was clearly preoccupied - he could feel the tension radiating off of her. 'Once we've done our toes and our nails we're going to come down,' Jen clearly was working a plan and so Pacey nodded.

'What colour ya going to go for?' he asked softly, trailing a finger over her knee and down to her toes. Joey looked at him and he suddenly felt awful for putting her through something that was clearly incredibly traumatic for her. 'I think red, maybe a dark red?' he suggested.

'Can you believe this girl has never painted her nails before?' Jen asked brightly, as Joey slid her hand into his and held it tightly.

'Look at me Jo,' he spoke softly, 'you're ok, you know? I'm here, Jen's here, Bubba's here. You're ok,' he tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear.

'I know,' her voice was so soft he could barely hear it. Despite everything she'd said to the contrary, in that moment she seemed incredibly vulnerable.

'You girls paint nails and I'll bring you up some Mai Tais,' he pressed a kiss to her neck and then another to her forehead.

'That sounds awesome Pace,' Jen smiled. 'In fact I'll come down and grab them now, huh?'

'Sure, that's better,' Pacey agreed. 'Love you sweetheart,' he kissed Joey's lips, as he and Jen headed down the stairs. 'She's not great.'

'No. I think a drink or two, some nail painting and then I think we'll be ok.'

'You think?'

'I hope. Just keep your expectations low Pace. Don't pin everything on this.'

'Hi. You must be Joey, I've heard loads about you,' Dawson had wondered in and was smiling at Jen.

'Oh no, I'm just Jen!' Jen shook his hand.

'Just Jen?'

'Pacey's friend. And Joey's.'

'Jen's a doctor. I work with her boyfriend,' Pacey explained.

'You have a clinic in town?'

'Yep. I came out to see Joey when she hurt her hand. It took us a while but we're friends now.'

'Is she on her way down?' Dawson was clueless.

'She's feeling a little shy. We're gonna have a drink upstairs, paint our nails and we'll be down.'

'Sure,' Dawson continued to chat happily to Jen whilst Pacey fixed the drinks.

'Here you go,' he said at length handing Jen two Mai tai's complete with umbrellas.

'Thanks,' Jen gave them a cheery wave before taking the drinks.

'She's nice,' Dawson watched Jen go.

'And taken,' Pacey teased.

'Haha. So when's Doug get here? I can't believe he came out.'

'Oh believe it. He actually has a very nice boyfriend as well!'

'No way. Deputy Dougy!' Dawson shook his head.

* * *

The sun was setting and for a while conversation lagged as they watched natures awesome display. It was truly as though the sky was on fire, and even Dawson was quietened by the beauty of the cacophony of colours swirling in the streaks of cloud. Doug and Dawson were in the adirondack chairs and he and Jen were sat together on the couch. She'd come down after a couple of hours, and Pacey had been cautiously optimistic but then she'd shaken her head.

'Still no?' Dawson had laughed but Doug had quelled that with a glare.

'I'm giving her half an hour and then she's coming down,' Jen had stated. Pacey was gutted because he loved to watch the sun set with Joey, which was such a cliche but it was true.

As the sun disappeared over the edge of the earth Dawson stood.

'Bathroom?' he asked and Pacey pointed at the house.

'The downstairs one leaks so go upstairs. Straight to the top and the door's right in front of you.'

'Great,' Dawson smiled, and headed inside.

'How you doing Pace?' Doug asked.

'I'm loving having him here but I really wish Jo could make it down those stairs.'

'Keep expectations low, remember Pace?' Jen gave him a sympathetic look.

'I don't want to. I want this to be ok. I want to know that it's going to be ok.'

'You can't know that from one visit,' Jen was careful, 'this is just a step in a long journey.'

'She's doing great. Don't forget how far she's come by constantly looking at how far she has to go,' Doug urged but before Pacey could respond they heard yelling from the house and Bubba losing his shit.

'Fuck,' Pacey and never moved so fast in his entire life, taking the stairs two or three at a time. He wasn't sure what the hell he was seeing, but Dawson was up against the wall in their bedroom, with Bubba snapping and barking and looking like the most terrifying dog he'd ever seen. He didn't much care for Dawson and Bubba though, because Joey was in the corner of the room, her face buried in her arms sobbing.


	13. Chapter 13

**Hi all,**

**Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it! I hope everyone likes this chapter. Trust me with this. In this the characters are messy and hurt and you don't heal in a couple of days or weeks. I guess the story is a journey. **

**Please let me know. I write much quicker with reviews;-)**

**Tab**

**Chapter 13**

Pacey was sat at the end of the dock staring at the water. Joey was inside asleep having been sedated by Jen. Doug had taken Dawson and Jen home hours ago and he knew that soon he'd have to head inside because Joey would come out of the sedation and he aught to be there when she did. He wanted to be there when she did.

It wasn't Joey's fault. It wasn't Dawson's fault either. Dawson had gone to the toilet and he'd seen the door open a crack and decided to say hi, because he wanted to meet her, because he thought maybe once she saw him she'd realize he wasn't scary. For about a million reasons he decided to knock gently and enter the room and say hi. It was of small comfort to Pacey that Dawson marvelled at her beauty, that he'd stood there momentarily rendered mute. Joey had read his look wrong, had read his silence wrong and immediately become agitated, terrified even. She'd tried to back away from him and Bubba had immediately sensed his mistresses fear and had gone into defensive mode. He hadn't actually bitten Dawson, but Pacey was pretty sure he would have done if Dawson had made a move of any description rather than screamed and stood like a petrified statue.

He'd rushed to Joey, the second he was in the room and Bubba had even snarled at him but he'd yelled at the dog, perhaps more protective than the dog. He'd scooped Joey into his arms. She was sobbing loudly and clung to him repeating again and again that she was sorry. Jen and Doug had been hot on his heels and they restrained Bubba, and took Dawson downstairs before Jen came back upstairs. Pacey had held her for over an hour but she hadn't calmed down and so Jen had given her a small shot of sedative, the effects of which would be wearing off soon.

The evening had been killed. He'd lain upstairs with Joey for a good couple of hours after the shot Jen had given her had taken effect, staring at Joey's beautiful face. She looked so entirely young and perfect, as though the turmoil he knew existed couldn't possibly be hiding itself behind that exterior. At length he'd headed outside to think and tidy up some. He thought about what Jen had spoken to him about before leaving. She'd sat on the bed beside where he was lying beside Joey.

'Pace,' her voice had been soft, caring.

'Yeah,' he'd still be defensive.

'I know you love her...'

'I do,' he'd bitten out.

'Dawson was talking downstairs. He was pretty upset. Shocked really. He said you seem to think you want to marry her.'

'Fuck, he always takes everything so literally. I'm in love with her, like I've never been in love with anyone before. I meant that I love her. I was trying to explain to him that this is how I want to feel, how I'm gonna feel when I marry. I didn't mean now...'

'Well good, because you haven't known her for all that long. Don't rush into anything,' Jen had given him a look, the kind of look that said more than the words.

'You think she's broken for good,' Pacey hadn't been able to help but glare.

'No. I don't,' Jen had protested but after a silence she'd spoken again. 'It hasn't been long Pace. You're loved up, I know that. I know she's special to you. But let the infatuation wear off, let the shine come off this relationship and then see how you really feel.'

'You know he took her by surprise. We don't know that she wouldn't have come down,' he'd taken Joey's slack hand in his. 'We don't know.'

'Nope, we don't. And we don't know how you'll feel in six months. Give it six months. We don't feel like you feel right now forever, I mean relationships, they alter, become more real. You guys haven't even had an argument.'

He was sad and frustrated all at once. Staring out at the water those feelings hadn't changed. On a whim he went inside and turned on Joey's computer. He clicked on the Internet and thought for a second before typing in _what causes the feelings of love? _He hadn't expected a seven step wiki how on how to understand love as a chemical reaction. He read the information through and summed them up in his head;

_Step 1: essentially liking the smell of each other's pheromones because scientifically we seek a good gene pool for reproduction. _No kidding he liked the way she smelt. She smelt amazing and she was always sniffing at him.

_Step 2: physical attributes that make a male a good protector_ and a woman a good producer, he presumed. Well there was no denying they were attracted to one another's physical attributes. Duh.

_Step 3: thinking and remembering what the other does - apparently more important to women_. That might be why he was so willing to forget the issues in their relationship.

_Step 4: looking good - apparently the woman would need to look like a good reproducer._ Well sure, Joey looked like a fucking awesome reproducer.

_Step 5: neurotransmitters in the brain creating a "good" association with the other person. Heartache is caused by chemical reactions and obsession was a result of too much serotonin._ Hmm. He didn't know what to make of that.

_Step 6: hormones_. He was all primal where she was concerned and apparently that made him more attractive to her, driven by reproduction of course. Apparently if he wasn't interested in anything long term oxytocin and testosterone would cause the feelings of love to fade, or something like that, it was a little unclear. Huh, was his entire thought in _that_.

_Step 7: mature love is why people stay together when youth and pheromones have subsided._

Next to useless in helping him untangle himself. After a moment he typed in _how long does feeling in love last_? Well that brought up a bunch of stuff. He scrolled down and clicked on an article by chemistry dot com even though he had no idea if it was reputable or not. He assumed they'd all say the same sort of thing. He read through the article which was a series of questions and answers with a Dr Fisher. In a nutshell people fell in love for reproduction, and the chemicals made being in love equivalent to a cocaine high. That sounded likely. And love at first sight is nothing more than instant attraction speaking to an instant desire to start breeding - hah and hah again. Apparently love and lust differed because with lust you had no interest after sex and you're not possessive. So he was definitely in love. Ok, finally what he was looking for, the intense period of love usually lasts one to three years, but can be rekindled by sex and romance. He could kind of see all that being likely. Then something caught his eye;

**Q: What's the biggest mistake people make when it comes to love?  
****Dr. Fisher: **Some people fall in love before they really know their partner and marry in this state of romantic rapture. They should probably wait until that intense early phase wears off so they can see the flaws in the relationship before they dive in for good. ( datingadvice/LoveExplained)

Kind of what Jen was saying. Jen wasn't saying break up, but decide when reality sets in if he really wants a life with someone who can't function in society. Fuck, even thinking about it like that made it seem insurmountable.

Sighing he closed his search windows and erased his search history, feeling a twinge of guilt. Heading to the bathroom he peed, washed his face and brushed his teeth before heading through to their room. Joey was still sleeping so he lay on the bed beside her, looking at her and feeling the squeeze of his heart because she was so beautiful. He wasn't sure how long he lay there before her eyes opened.

'Pacey?' she croaked his name and he smiled at her warmly. Within a second she was plastered as close to him as she could get, and for a while they just clung to each other.

'You ok?'

'Hmm...I wanna brush my teeth and have a drink,' her voice was scratchy.

'Ok,' he nodded. 'You brush, I'll grab water.'

'Thanks.'

* * *

When he returned with her glass of water and a sandwich she was sat up on her side of the bed.

'I'm sorry,' her mouth curled as if she were trying not to cry.

'Hey it's ok. He surprised you,' Pacey offered kindly.

'He did, but if I were normal that wouldn't be an issue,' she sighed heavily.

'Were you going to come down?' he asked and she shrugged.

'I like to think I was,' she answered honestly and he appreciated it.

'You know it's ok? Right? You know that I love you and I'm not mad?' He asked because she was just so quiet, so broken.

'I don't think it's ok. I'm mad,' she stared at him, lifting her eyes from her knees for a moment before looking away again. 'I've been thinking...' she began and his heart began to race, fear gnawing at his belly.

'Thinking is overrated,' he turned to her and took her hands,

'No, you can't charm me out of this,' she pulled one of his hands and pressed her lips to it, 'I love you and I'm no good. I'm really not and that sucks but it would really suck if I took someone as wonderful as you down with me.'

'I'm not going anywhere, I'm not,' he shook his head, clinging onto her, feeling full blown panic.

'You have to,' Joey was crying, 'you have to because I might not be able to change and the longer we keep going at this, well the worse it will be because eventually you'll realize that love isn't enough. You'll realize that maybe you don't love me at all, or enough and it will be awful.'

'This is awful,' he pulled her down the bed so she was lying and pressed his face to her chest, because he needed to be close but also to hide the tears that had sprung to his eyes.

'I know.'

'I don't agree,' he looked up at her not caring if she saw the tears. She stared at his eyes and trailed a finger over his eyebrows, capturing the tear drop on her fingertip.

'Unfortunately that doesn't matter. I can't put you through this. I love you and I don't want another person I love to be destroyed.'

'I'm not going. It was one incident. Just one.'

'For you,' she pointed out, 'for me it was the millionth.'

'I'm still not going. Just the thought makes my heart feel like it's cracking in two.'

'Well I know that feeling,' she ran her fingers through his hair. For a few minutes they lay in silence.

'You really mean it don't you?' Pacey asked, with a sickening clarity.

'Yes. In the morning you should take your stuff and go.'

'I won't,' he pressed a kiss to her chest, and then trailed kisses up to her neck until he was kissing along her jaw, 'we're magic together. We are Jo.'

'I know. But magic isn't real and this isn't real.'

'It is,' he insisted because it had to be. He kissed her forehead, then her eyelids and finally her lips. 'It is real.'

'Pace,' she kissed him, her tongue slipping into his mouth and tangling with hers and his body responded to all the kiss promised, even though his mind was weeping.

'You can't have sex and kick me out,' he told her, the kiss blurring everything, his mind somehow bargaining with itself, until he felt half convinced that if he fucked her real good then she'd let him stay, that she'd forget all this stupid stuff, because the thought of not being with her any more was unthinkable, quite literally. He'd been in Capeside nearly a year and even before he knew her, she was an important part of being in this town, she'd been a large focus. He liked Capeside, he'd made good friends, he had a good job and he loved his girlfriend. He adored his girlfriend. His crazy, fucked up girlfriend who'd got it into her head that they couldn't be together because it wasn't fair, because this beautiful thing that felt like magic wasn't real. And it wasn't. It wasn't real, but not in the way she thought. But like he'd read on those stupid websites. Of course it couldn't be like this forever, this hedonistic crush of hormones, emotions and chemicals making him feel like he was on a cocaine high. It could however still be love. It could be having fun, being interested in one another, caring about what happens. Making each other happy. Sharing a life together.

He couldn't deny that there were some fundamental issues. He wanted kids, a family, more adventure from life than could be found in one cabin in the woods. But he also wanted her.

'Pace,' her voice was thin, pleading, and so he focussed on kissing her, on kissing down her body and worshiping between her legs with his mouth, begging her to reconsider against her clit. When she came, her legs clamping around his face, he wished he could remain with his face squashed between her thighs forever. But eventually they fell slack and he kissed up her body and slid his aching cock inside of her and he focused again, on making sure he didn't just fuck her but made love to her, that he looked in her eyes, that she knew how much he wanted it, wanted her. He used every trick in his arsenal of tricks to ensure she came and came again, because in this one moment he could posses her, he could claim her as his because she was willingly his, even though she'd decided that would no longer be the case after this night. When he finally came, and he held out for as long as he possibly could, he felt the urge to cry and to his male ego that felt stupid, and weak, but it was hard to fight it. He buried his face in her neck, unable to move from on top of her, unable to concern himself over whether he was crushing her, unltimately unwilling to move from inside of her.

'I don't want this to be over.'

'A summer of love,' she whispered.

'Or maybe a lifetime,' he attempted. 'Please Joey, don't blow this all out of proportion. This doesn't have to be the end, hun.'

'It's not blown out of proportion,' she looked offended. 'You know that. You've been struggling for a while now. I know your head hasn't been here the whole time.'

'Maybe not my head, but my heart has never left this house, has never left you,' it was true he realized. For all the disquiet he'd felt, he'd never doubted that he loved her, that she was special, that he wanted to try. He'd been feeling fear that it would be harder than either of them expected, fear that they may be on different paths and that life would be very complicated, that maybe being with Joey would mean he didn't get the life he wanted.

'Pace,' she took several deep breaths and closed her eyes for a moment before looking at him, 'you need to leave in the morning. Or right now. I'll pack up your things and leave them outside. But you need to go.'

'No,' he wrapped his arms around her and clung on.

'Pacey, I love you. I love you more than anything but no. I won't hurt you and I won't hurt myself.'

'If you won't hurt me, why does it feel like I'm dying?' his voice was muffled from hiding his face in her neck and from emotion.

'I just know this is right,' she whispered, her voice cracking.

'How?' he stared at her, surprised to see her face wet with tears,

'Because I love you. I may make you happy now but I won't always. I know it. You're to full of life and I just can't zap it from you bit by bit which I will. I can't spend each day watching you become a little more preoccupied, a little sadder and know that I caused that. You can do great things Pace and without me you will, so go. I'm going to go shower and you must be gone when I'm out,' she pushed him off of her and rolled off the bed and headed to the bathroom before he could even comprehend it had happened. He didn't have much choice but to leave. No meant no and go meant go.

* * *

'Pace,' Doug pushed into his bedroom without knocking. After a week he knew there was no point.

'What?' he glared at his brother. The truth was he was a mess. A total mess. He missed Joey so much he literally felt like he was dying inside. He had no interest in anything. He couldn't read, watch tv, work, nothing.

'Your boss says you're fired if you're not at work tomorrow,' Doug stated strongly, but he sat on the edge of the bed.

'Fine, I'll be fired.'

'You're fired then you're on your own. That was our agreement.'

'Fine. I want to leave this fucking town anyway.'

'Nice Pace, real nice.'

'I don't know what to do?' he looked his brother. He knew that he was heart broken, that life had lost colour and everything was now grey.

'You got dumped. You get over it,' Doug offered.

'Dumped?' Pacey looked at him incredulously.

'Your girlfriend said she didn't want to be with you anymore. That's what getting dumped is,' Doug continued apparently oblivious to Pacey's growing rage,

'I don't call it dumped when you're still in love. She loves me, she's just trying to protect me.'

'And in honesty, maybe you aught to let her.'

'What the fuck is that supposed to mean?' Pacey spat.

'I mean you might love her, she might be beautiful and sweet but there's no life to be had with her. I know you Pace, and apparently she does too, because you want a family, a house full of kids and people. You like people and you're great with them. You want a life you can't have with her. She did the right thing.'

'Take that back,' he half wrestled his brother,

'No,' Doug was authoritative in his tone. 'I won't because it's true.'

'If it's the right thing why does it feel so wrong?' Pacey asked furiously.

'I guess because you really do love her. Want my advice?'

'Sure,' he muttered.

'Get up and go to work, see your friends and live your life. See how it feels in a month. My guess is it won't feel nearly so bad.'

* * *

The start of his route wasn't so bad. He had to admit he felt better for getting out of the house, for earning his pay check, for seeing people. Drue had been surprisingly compassionate about his sorrow, and Jack was supportive as ever. They insisted Pacey head out for drinks that night and he agreed because it was that or sobbing. He'd decided to walk the two mile trek to Joey's because he wanted to prolong the moment before his heart shattered into a million pieces. He only had a stupid letter for her. A bank statement for fucks sake. Two miles to deliver a bank statement when he knew she did her banking online anyway. Two miles to torture himself. Two miles to think and hope that he might see her, that she might run out of the house and throw herself into his eager arms, that she'd say she was stupid and wrong and that they should never be apart.

When her house came into view his heart rate sped up and his feet slowed down. It was a push and a pull. He was just desperate to see the house, the garden, the hives which they'd been going to extract the honey from, Bubba - god he missed that dog, but most of all Joey. The house looked still and empty, and Bubba didn't appear barking in joy like he'd been imagining. Joey wasn't stood on the front porch looking broken and lost without him. She was probably there, or maybe she was hiding in the woods with the dog. If Bubba got a sense of him he'd have gone crazy. He stared at the stupid bank letter and then at the still house, noticing a bag of his stuff and a couple of boxes tucked into the side of the porch. Seeing those he began to cry, not wracking sobs, or grotesque snot and tears but just the bubbling over of sadness. He wouldn't take them. He dug around in his bag for a pen;

_I miss you_

Simple and to the point. It would have to do. With legs that felt like lead, he climbed the porch steps and mailed the letter, because that's what he was - a mailman. Brushing the back of his hand across his eyes he headed for home.

* * *

'Hey Pace,' Drue greeted him first but then Jack and Jen turned wide smiles on him.

'You came,' Jen trilled.

'Hm, yeah,' he shrugged and ordered a beer. He needed a beer. Doug plonked me himself down into the seat next to Jack and eyed the beer but Pacey ignored him.

'Here,' he handed Pacey some papers.

'What am I looking at?' he asked.

'They're selling the restaurant down on the waterfront. You know the one you love so much which does all the tourist trade in summer. You know _Waterfront_?'

'Why you telling me?' he stared at them blankly.

'I told him to,' Jack rolled his eyes.

'You're a good cook Pace and no denying,' Jen added, before wondering off with Drue to put songs on the juke box.

'She's wrong. I know next to nothing about food,' he handed the paper back to his brother, 'and I don't have the money for something like this.'

'No,' Doug nodded.

'But you and I together might have a shot at it. Doug is willing to co-sign a loan.'

'Really?' Pacey stared at his brother in surprise.

'For you little brother, yeah,' Doug shrugged. 'You've more than proven your reliability and I think you could do with a focus. I know that you're a good mailman, but I'm not convinced you're passionate about it.'

'Nah, not so much,' he admitted, unable to put any inflection into his tone, knowing that all his passion resided elsewhere, with someone else.

'It is an amazing opportunity Pace. You and I are gonna have to work our asses off if we want to pull it off. We have to organize the loan, examine all the books, you now make sure the business is viable. We'd have to work out what we want, learn the current menu from the current owners and then think about what we might change, but man, think of it? Our own business,' Jack was clearly entirely taken with the idea.

'I'll think it over,' he muttered because really it was a great idea. The problem was he really wanted to talk it over with Joey, because she was his favourite person and she usually said something helpful, something that helped him see things clearly.

'Look I know the timing of this is rotten. We all know how unhappy you are right now, but maybe now is the time to do something for yourself? To think about you?'

'How long have I got?'

'A couple of days,' Doug put in.

'And you'd be willing to help us out? Really?' Pacey looked at his brother.

'Yeah. Provided you can work hard with a broken heart.'

'Can do,' he rolled his eyes, 'not sure I can do it with a smile. I'll bring you down man,' he looked to Jack.

'Nah, it'd be fine. I have your brother,' Jack gave him a smile, biting his tongue cheekily, and though Pacey couldn't muster a smile he was happy for him. Jen flopped back into her seat, Drue sitting beside her.

'Still moping?' Drue asked bluntly.

'Yep,' Pacey shrugged.

'You thought about trying to get her back?' Drue asked and Jen elbowed him sharply in the ribs.

'That's not going to work,' she glared at her boyfriend. It surprised Pacey that Jen could spend the majority of her time glaring at Drue but still love him.

'Have you seen her?' he asked and Jen nodded. 'And?'

'She's ok,' Jen stated, clearly unwilling to share anything more.

'I'm going to go see her,' Pacey wasn't having any of that shit.

'No,' Jen shook her head. 'She needs...space right now.'

'Fuck does she need space,' he growled.

'Pacey she does and you'll give it to her.'

'What the fuck for?' he glared at Jen, and then pushed away his beer which was still half full. 'Look I'm killing the mood so I'm going. Give me the info on the restaurant and I'll take a look. Have you got the books?'

'Yeah, at home in your room,' Doug told him.

'Fine,' he stormed out into the night and got into his truck, not even hesitating to drive in the direction of Joey's house. He got there in ten minutes and parked the car. He'd just stepped out when Bubba barrelled around from the back barking wildly and jumping up on him, licking at his hands. 'Aw yuk Bubs,' he squatted down and hugged the dog who whined softly. 'She around back?' he asked and Bubba barked and stood. 'Ok,' he brushed a hand over the dogs muzzle, and walked in the almost complete darkness with a hand in Bubba to guide him. His eyes found her immediately, curled up on the swing seat, her head resting on a pillow. She was wearing leggings and an old tshirt of his - she'd honestly never looked more beautiful, nor so entirely inviting. His heart beat for her and only her as he stared at her.

'Pace,' she sat up and rubbed at her eyes, 'Pacey,' she said his name again as if she couldn't quite believe he was there, then she was on her feet and running towards him. He was moving in her direction and then she was colliding with his body, her legs wrapping around him, her arms locked behind his head,

'Joey, Jo,' he was kissing her, all over her face, on her warm neck and then on her lips, her warm mouth opening beneath his, her delicious tongue tangling with his, her soft moan mixing with his. 'I missed you, I missed you so much,' he wrapped his arms tightly about her, breathing in her smell, everything about her.

'You can't stay,' she said the words but remained glued to him.

'I know,' he mumbled the words into another kiss. 'I just needed to see you, talk to you.'

'Kiss you,' she agreed and continued to kiss him, as he stumbled to the swing seat, sitting with her straddling his lap, his hands diving up the tshirt to smooth over soft bare skin.

'Fuck Jo,' he groaned, pressing his face into her chest. He wanted to fuck her, his body feeling like a coiled spring, ready to explode, and yet somehow it didn't sit right with him because he didn't want to do that and leave, he couldn't risk hurting her.

'I want you,' she squirmed against him, 'Pacey,' she pressed her hands to the side of his face, 'I want you,' she was looking at him as her eyes filled with tears, which she clearly swallowed back. 'Talk to me.'

'Yeah, ok,' he tugged her a little closer and whilst pressing intermittent kisses to her cheeks and lips told her about Doug and Jack's suggestion, and about his concerns and the way he couldn't deny the appeal of the idea. 'So I have two days,' he finished, 'two days to decide if I want to go into a business like this, if I want to work with Jack, if I think I could even do it because this is a risk, and the last few risks I've taken haven't turned out so well for me,' his eyes met hers and she smiled,

'Do you have a gut feeling?' she asked and he nodded,

'My gut says I should do it. I get food, which is stupid because I never did any cooking growing up but when I make food it all just kinda clicks. But that's making food for you, or my brother. Not in a restaurant.'

'So you could work as a sous chef,' she arched her brows, 'keep on the existing chef. He'll leave eventually, they always do, but hopefully after you've learnt what you need to.'

'That's not a bad idea. I mean I'm just assuming I'm cooking. Maybe that's what Jack wants?'

'Nah, Jack would be all about front of house,' she shrugged. 'I mean you'd be great at that too.'

'So you think it's a good idea?' he asked, keen for affirmation but she laughed softly and pressed her head against his chest,

'Oh I think it is worthy of consideration, but this is your life and your decision.'

'Could you be with me if I had a restaurant in town?'

'We're not together Pace,' she was practically pouting and so he kissed her,

'But I love you and you love me and so I need to know that there's the possibility. That if one day things that needed to be different were that you'd consider...'

'You wouldn't have to ask,' she told him simply and he pressed his forehead to hers. 'I think you'd be great at it. Truly amazing. If it's something you want.' He knew she was talking about the restaurant and he realized that yes, he probably did want that, but in his life at this time, there was nothing he wanted more than her,

'Can I come see you? Talk to you? I need you Joey,' he half begged and she nodded,

'I miss you too, so yes. Come on a Sunday night.'

'Sure,' he chuckled slightly, but his lips were near hers and with their breath mingling, with the feel of her still on top of him, his hands on her bare skin, it was only moments before they were kissing and she didn't seem like she planned on stopping.


	14. Chapter 14

**Hi all,**

**Thanks so much for the reviews. We haven't got much more to go - so enjoy. I think the next chapter will be the last, so motivate me to write by reviewing this one!**

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**Tab x**

**Chapter 14**

'Are you sure about this Jack?' Pacey asked with his hand poised over the documents that would secure their purchase of _Waterfront. _'It is an awful lot of money.'

'It's a good investment. The bank said so, else they wouldn't have given us the money,' Jack nudged his shoulder.

'Sign the paperwork Pace,' Doug rolled his eyes.

'Sure, sure,' he smiled and signed his name. 'Look at that, we got ourselves a restaurant.'

'We sure do,' Jack hugged him and then Doug, as Pacey was left to shake hands with the previous owner. He looked around the busy restaurant and felt inspired. He could see immediately how to set the tables out better, and they needed to up the deck seating for next summer. There were several families waiting to be seated even though summer was over, which was great, except there was no where to put them. Booths might help. Tasteful and funky. Something that harked to homespun but was also very cool. Possibility, that's what he saw. He pulled out his camera and began to take photos, photos he planned to have developed for Sunday when he'd sneak off without telling anyone and go see Joey. He'd seen her twice since their breakup. That first time and the following Sunday, when he'd found her upstairs in her room sketching. She'd found her hand wasn't quite the same as before the accident but was much, much better. She'd sketched him then. She'd insisted he was naked which was a much bigger turn on than he'd expected. He could kind of understand how Jack had ended up kissing her all those years ago despite being gay. He knew he'd become hard almost instantly and he'd thrilled at her smirk and the way she simply ignored it and kept on sketching. Then after about half an hour she'd thrown down her pad and pencil and crawled on top of him. Apparently she wasn't wearing underwear under her dress and she'd slid her body onto his, his wrists clasped in her hands and held on either side of his head. It was fucking hot, hotter than anything to have her dominate and claim him - so to speak. They'd talked so long afterward, interspersed with kissing that became body's entwined and linked, and feelings of bliss, that he'd had to go to work on no sleep. But he didn't regret it. Not a second of it, because it was only with her that everything made sense. They spoke for hours about the restaurant. She'd told him it was a good decision. They'd laughed for a long time as they made up stupid name, after stupid name for the restaurant, going crazy with puns. It was awesome.

'I can't quite believe we have all this responsibility,' Pacey stared at the place.

'You guys will do great,' Doug reassured with an affectionate look at Jack. Jack and Doug were a pretty strong couple in Pacey's opinion. Doug's strong bravado was well measured by Jack's innate warmth, and where Doug was uptight, Jack was relaxed and jovial. They were extremely well suited and Pacey was glad they'd found each other.

'Are we too early?' Jen and Drue had appeared at the table and waved a bottle of champagne.

'Do we, er, need to take over?' Pacey frowned looking at the busyness of the place.

'No,' Doug laughed, 'tomorrow as agreed. And you better take over good and proper.'

'Tonight you drink this,' Jen plonked the bottle down.

'You know, it makes places very popular when they have a bring your own policy,' Jack mused.

'Worth consideration,' Pacey noted, and dutifully jotted it in the ideas section of his new workbook.

'I also like restaurants that offer more than just a side or Caesar salad,' Jen put in and again Pacey noted it down.

'And I like ones where the waitresses wear see through shirts,' Drue added.

'Don't you dare put that down,' Jack warned, 'we agreed on classy.'

'Have you met my brother?' Doug teased, and Pacey kicked him under the table.

* * *

'How you doing Pace?' Jen had sidled up next to him whilst the others debated hockey.

'I'm ok,' he shrugged because he was ok. The truth was he wasn't ok because time had passed, or because he was starting an exciting new venture. He was ok because he got to see Joey every Sunday. However he was only ok and not great because he _only_ got to see her every Sunday and not everyday.

'You seem better than you were. Less down?'

'Are you my friend or my doctor right now?' he asked a little irritated. Jen seemed unfazed by the irritation,

'Your friend.'

'Then yeah I'm ok. I wouldn't say I'm better because I'm still heartbroken. I still want her and that hasn't changed. I'm just not wearing my broken heart on my sleeve.'

'You've been to see her haven't you?' Jen narrowed her eyes appraisingly. He had no clue what had given him away but he was busted,

'So what if I have?' He was defensive.

'She was ok with that?' Jen seemed surprised.

'I take it she didn't tell you then?'

'No, but she's odd. I didn't ask and with Joey that's usually enough to not tell.'

'I went after that first night I met you guys in the bar...you know after it all fell apart. I just missed her so much. I kinda had to see that she was ok, you know? She said I could come on a Sunday.'

'To talk?' Jen's eyes were still narrowed.

'Well yeah. We talk a lot,' he felt his blush and knew she knew.

'Hmm, that too?'

'Well yeah, ok. But mainly we talk.'

'But you're not back together?' Jen clarified.

'No. She says no. I guess she figures eventually I'll stop going there. But I won't.'

'You might,' Jen shrugged.

'Nope,' he shrugged back, mocking her.

'Ass,' she slapped his shoulder.

'Elf,' he taunted back and she burst out laughing.

* * *

The restaurant was all consuming as far as time and energy went. Although Pacey was able to do any maintenance and changes that they wanted, they decided the space was good and to really observe how it functioned in its current state so they didn't make unnecessary changes. They did want to make some immediate cosmetic and menu changes, however they had limited cash and we're still learning from the old owners how to run the business, so they weren't going to rush anything. Pacey had taken Joey's advice and was planning to work under the current chef who was brilliant. Owning the restaurant also meant more than cooking and his time in the kitchen would probably always be limited. He could however make some overdue changes to the menu when he was sure about what he was doing. Despite how all his time was spent at the restaurant with Jack, his main driver was thinking about what Joey would think of any proposed change - would she like it? A decision was made with her in mind which was ridiculous because she would probably never see it. He just wanted her to love it if she ever did see it.

* * *

The following Sunday was a cold day. The sky had clouded over and the air had turned cool. The leaves had turned the world into fire, and Joey's house with the forest behind it looked like it was alive with magic. He he practically ran into her house, patting Bubba who was lumbering down the stairs as he ran up the stairs, figuring Joey was there if the dog was heading down.

'Joey,' he called her name.

'In here,' she called and he pushed into her bedroom desperate to lay his eyes on her. It was as if his soul was running around and bouncing up and down inside of his body at the prospect of seeing her and then began to sing when he finally laid eyes on her. She was just perfect in a pair of leggings and a hoody, which was insane. The sexiest, most beautiful woman alive with a messy bun and a big smile. He knew he must be staring at her with a big smile of his own, but he just loved her. Kicking off his shoes he crawled onto the bed and bundled her into his arms, kissing her warm neck by pushing his face past the hood of her sweater. Her cold hands snuck straight up his tshirt and shirt and pulled him nearer, between her legs, so they were lying as an entangled bundle.

'I missed you,' he cooed.

'I thought you might not come,' she said and there was no judgement. He couldn't even tell if that thought had bothered her or not.

'I'm only late because there's just so much to do at the restaurant. We've gotta learn how to run the place, run the place and then figure out what we want to change and change it.'

'That _does_ sound like a lot,' she teased.

'What have you been up to this week?' he asked because she had her computer out and he'd never seen her working on it.

'Oh I worked a lot this week. I had to sort out the garden and I had a few agony aunt responses to write. Then I decided to work on my book a little. It's been a while.'

'You said I could read it,' he brushed the hair from her eyes as he moved to lay beside her.

'That was before,' she whispered a little uncertainly.

'But I still love you,' he laid a hand on her stomach.

'Pacey,' she blushed and so he kissed her, a proper love filled kiss.

'I do. Tell me how its gone?'

'Well I think it's not bad,' she shrugged, 'but I am too close to it to really. I have no objectivity.'

'And you know who does?' he teased and pointed at himself. She laughed,

'I feel like maybe it reads as one of those epic tale of disaster, a bit depressing. Maybe too depressing. I don't know,' she shook her head.

'Put in some romance,' he suggested pushing her tops out the way and drawing patterns on her smooth stomach.

'Hmm maybe,' she smiled softly. 'Tell me about the restaurant. I have some potatoes and leeks for you. You could make a seasonal soup or something.'

'You're the best,' he wished he still lived with her, that she was still his entirely. He could imagine gathering his ingredients from her garden, including eggs. It would be amazing.

'I had an idea as well...' she began and filled him in on her idea, that they could make homemade takeaways that people could buy. Meals such as lasagne, or Mac and cheese, things that people could feed their families without feeling guilty. They could have vouchers customers could buy as gifts for new parents or an elderly relative, or just a busy parent. A home cooked meal to keep in your freezer. They could use her garden and her eggs. Things could be organic. Even uncooked frozen scones or muffins or cookies, that people could simply pop in the oven People could keep them in the freezer and bake them at home. Freshly cooked, healthy food with minimal effort. She also suggested they do real fruit smoothies, move away from pops. He loved the ideas but was even more touched that she'd clearly been thinking about it a lot. He pulled out the photos and they spent a long time going over them, mainly because she had so many questions and intuitive comments.

'You know my ideas - they're just ideas. It's your restaurant, but I've spent all week thinking of things. And they're just, you know thoughts. I know you and Jack have to agree.'

'I like your ideas though,' he stated grabbing his notebook and jotting them down.

'You're cute,' she smiled at him.

'Don't wanna forget them do I? There's just so much to remember right now!' He tapped his head and gave her a grin before shoving his book, pen and photos aside and working his way into her arms.

'Pacey...' she murmured at length and he smiled, a soft indulgent smile.

'Yeah?'

'I've been thinking about this,' she gestured to them, lying on her bed together. His body was plastered to the length of hers. He'd undone the zip on her hoody and had his hand up her tshirt, his fingertips brushing at the underside of her gorgeous tits. He never could seem to keep his hands off them.

'Oh,' it didn't sound like good thinking.

'I think maybe this isn't working,' she attempted. 'Well not in the way I think it needs to.'

'I wouldn't be working, I mean you know the me inside, if I didn't get to see you at all,' he burst out. 'I'm only sane because of you.'

'But you're not moving on.'

'Its been four weeks,' he pouted. 'And I love you. How can you expect me to move on?'

'I want you to at least think about things and you're not.'

'I don't think about anything but you,' he sat up, removing his hands from her.

'We're addicted to one another Pace. You're like heroine to me,' she attempted, becoming flustered.

'So because I make you feel good we need to not see each other?' he stared at her uncomprehending.

'You're like my good mood pill,' she admitted, looking down at her hands, her left hand tracing the scar on her right. 'Whenever the world feels tough, or too hard I think of you and I feel better. The problem is I think about you all the time. Without you the world seems unmanageable.'

'Most people need others,' he didn't get what point she was making.

'I need to learn to manage the world alone.'

'Why?'

'Because otherwise I'll never be enough for you,' she attempted to explain.

'That's crazy Jo. You already are enough for me,' he put his hands back onto her because the urge to hang onto her was overpowering.

'I'm not. Not in the long run. I want more than photographs of your restaurant. More than stories of your family, of your friends. Don't you get it Pace, I want more from life in general than this. But when I have you like this on a Sunday, well I'm living through you still, it's just all bottled up until Sunday.'

'But what if I don't come around, then there's no one to push you forward? Maybe you'll become who you were before. Maybe you won't communicate with _anyone_.'

'Jen will keep coming over.'

'I want to keep coming over,' he insisted angrily, his anger at the potential loss not her.

'I want you too,' she admitted in a small voice and he looked at her, looking through his anger to see how upset she really was, to try and hear what she was really saying. 'I just want...I'm making progress Pace. And my motivation is you. If I manage it I get to have you, or so I tell myself.'

'So why are you telling me to move on?'

'Because I hate the thought of you sad. I hate the thought of you waiting for me to get better and me never managing it. You mustn't wait for me because I might not manage what I'm trying to manage.'

'But I don't want anyone but you,' he insisted.

'Because you half have me. Maybe if you don't see me every week, maybe if we stop having sex well then maybe you _can_ move on.'

'I keep telling you that I don't want to,' he half shouted, angry at her now.

'Well I'm telling you not to come over here any more. You need to leave me alone.'

'Did Jen say something to you? Is that what this is about?' he was gripping her hand, his thumb tracing frantic circles on her skin.

'No,' she shook her head, 'Jen didn't say anything. I just...I live for Sunday's.'

'And we want you living for the whole week,' he murmured deflated and defeated. He was all about what was best for Joey and if she thought it was space from him, using him as some sort of motivational prize, well that was what he would do, though he wouldn't move on.

'I hate this as much as you,' she spoke softly, her hand finding his and threading their fingers together. 'But I hate myself more and that's something new.'

'You hate yourself?' he frowned because she'd never given him the impression that she was dissatisfied with herself as a person and the thought that she might not see herself as he did, that she might dislike herself was abhorrent.

'I never used to. Not for a long time. I mean when I was a kid, sure. There was a lot of self hatred when I was on the street but you know, I grew to like myself enough to be contented. Happy even. I was solitary, I mean I was always alone and yes I had fear, but that wasn't because I loathed myself. Like I told you, I took control of my body, of myself and I was happy with who I was. Now...'

'Now what?' his throat felt like it was clogged with soil and his voice was deep and gravelly,

'Now I don't like how I am, who I've let myself become. Someone driven by fear. I want you Pacey. I really, really want to be with you, but I don't want to be with you and trapped in this house, away from everything else that is important to you. I hate that I'm so scared. I hate that my fears control me and so I hate myself.'

'All I want is for you to be happy Jo, so if you need this...then as much as hate it, as much as it hurts - you got it.'

'Thank you,' she pressed her forehead to his.

'So this means I have to voluntarily get up and walk out of here, huh?' he pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose.

'Or we could make each other feel very, very good before we break our own hearts all over again?' she suggested.

'Hmm, and how would we do that?' he already felt heart broken. His new everyday state was with his chest hurting, a virtual empty space in the place of heart. Sure his heart beat on, but each beat sounded to his ears like her name, and it hurt.

'I think we just need to be close,' she stated. 'Take off our clothes and be close,' she stared into his eyes and he chuckled.

'You see, you say that and I think you mean just what you say, but for anyone else they'd mean fucking.'

'I mean it both ways Pace,' she smirked sadly, 'I love being close to you and when we have sex I feel really close to you. And who knows how long I'll take to fix? And you, you're beautiful and amazing and the women will all want you, and you know what, one day you may accept, but right now, right now you're still mine, and I want to fuck you.'

'Ok,' he shucked off his shirt and peeled off his tshirt flinging it across the room, before grabbing her by tucking his hands up her vest and inside her hoody and then he was kissing her, the amazing hedonistic type of kiss, where he forgot all about restraint and his fingers sought the wet warmth between her legs, his mouth seemingly locked on hers. It was the type of kiss that stopped his thought processes in their tracks so he wasn't thinking about loss, but about her, all about her and how he loved her, and how he wanted to push his cock inside of her, so, so, so badly because she was his and he didn't want anyone else ever, only her. He didn't really recall pushing off his pants and boxers, nor ridding her of her bottoms and underwear, nor being so impatient that she was still wearing a tshirt and bra, his hands all trapped up inside of them as he rolled them over and pushed her down onto his aching cock.

'Fuck Jo,' he breathed, feeling out of control. He stared up at her, her long hair hanging over her face as she looked down at him, his cock buried deep inside of her. Her tshirt was still around her neck and he'd pulled the cups of her bra down so he could grasp at her tits. She looked awesomely sexy, like a half dressed goddess, especially when she clenched herself around him before rocking on top of him, each movement creating friction, the delicious sensations of being fucked, his eyes flicking between her face, her tits and his cock disappearing inside of her. Then the thought crept into his head. An awful thought that this might be the last time. Because he wasn't going to be going over to see her on a Sunday. She had asked for an unspecified amount of time, perhaps forever. He'd been asked to leave her alone potentially forever and so this, this moment where he could feel every bit of himself sliding into her, with her beautiful face surrounded by a curtain of hair, well it could be the last time. He couldn't bare that thought, it was truly too much, but it was true. His mind went into overdrive and he pulled her closer as a subconscious response, her body grinding up and down on him, the closer position clearly having the desired effect on her as she drove her body harder and faster before crashing, the clenching of her body around his cock sending him spiralling into the oblivion of his orgasm, before the reality hit again and he found himself crying. Mortified he buried his face in her neck, holding her tight. His body shook and he was pretty sure he let out an embarrassing half sob noise. She didn't call him on it though and just pressed warm kisses to the air around him, her face forced away from him by his position.

'You ok?' she asked at length, forcing him to release her enough that she could twist off of him, her eyes meeting his. She reached out her hand and her finger traced the tear tracks, ever so gently reaching from the corner of his eye and down his face. 'You cried.'

'It's what I do when I'm really sad,' he mumbled and she smiled sweetly at him.

'Having sex made you sad?' she gave him her most beautiful pout, and he kissed her,

'Thinking that might be the last time we have sex, that this is the last time I see you, that made me sad.'

'Oh, I didn't really think if it like that,' her eyes clouded over, and she rolled back into him lying as close as possible. 'I love you Pacey and that thought is awful.'

'Awful enough to hopefully drive you to success.'

'Yes I should think it would be,' she acknowledged with a small smile, her eyes still glassy.

'But this still may be the last time we see each other,' he sniffed a little, and kissed her forehead, then her cheeks and her nose.

'I hate this,' she looked like she might cry. 'I hate myself for doing this to us. See that's the problem.'

'Never hate yourself Jo. I've done the self-hatred, self-deprecation thing. It's a nasty path to go down. Channel your energy towards changing the things you want to change but please don't change who you are because I love that person.'

'Ok,' she nodded and pressed her ear to his chest.

* * *

Pacey looked around the restaurant and was relieved to see that absolutely nothing needed his attention. With a tired sigh he flopped onto a seat at the horse shoe shaped bar.

'You know what we need?' he asked Jack who poured him a beer. Jack was on the late shift whilst Pacey had taken the early and should have been done a couple of hours earlier. The beer was welcome.

'To sort out the apartment upstairs so we can stagger to bed more easily?' Jack asked with a grin.

'Well yeah. But I was thinking we extend into that store room and put in a pool table. Keep the locals coming in during the winter months. There's space for a storeroom off the kitchen where a store room makes more sense.'

'Oh but a pool table would be awesome.'

'I'll measure up,' Pacey made to stand but Doug dropped into the seat beside him and put a restraining hand on his arm.

'I'll cuff you to the bar if you move before finishing that beer. You left at five this morning,' Doug gave him an affectionate thwack about the head.

'Yeah, well this running your own restaurant malarkey is hard work.'

'You guys have been pedal to the floor for a couple of months now - you can ease off. Things are going great. You're turning a decent profit. You can breathe. Besides which I want my boyfriend back,' he smiled as Jack leaned across the bar to kiss him.

'I think I could incorporate that store room into the main body of the place pretty easily. It's whether it's big enough for the pool table,' Pacey stared at the store room door.

'He's still using work to distract himself from his broken heart,' Jack said fondly.

'Ha, no kidding,' Doug shook his head, 'why don't you sleep with tons of inappropriate girls like normal?'

'Because I don't want to,' Pacey hissed, surprised that it had been that way. He'd always used sex in times of crisis but apparently his love lorn body didn't want anyone other than Joey. His mind certainly didn't.

'The hot blond that came in earlier and was all over him was entirely ignored,' Jack shrugged and Pacey glared at him,

'She wasn't that hot.'

'I'm gay and she was,' Jack glared back.

'Fine she was hot,' Pacey rolled his eyes.

'But you weren't interested,' Doug mused. 'Why don't you go see her?'

'Who? Joey?' Pacey turned incredulous eyes on his brother. 'She asked me to stay away.'

'Which we all know. Because you've been distraught since the last time you saw her. I'm just saying it's been a couple of months and maybe...'

'No. She asked me to stay away and I'll stay away,' he muttered.

'So we get grumpy, heartbroken Pacey for the rest of our lives?' Doug asked.

'Grumpy? That's a little harsh,' Pacey pouted.

'Fine, but you're hardly my happy go lucky brother of the summer.'

'I'm sorry my sadness offends you,' he smirked at his brother's eye roll,

'Quit being annoying,' Doug punched his arm.

'I'm trying,' Pacey admitted, 'I know I've been kinda stormy...'

'Which has produced a fantastic work ethic,' Jack pointed out,

'But we like you Pace. We don't want just hardworking, we want a little bit of happy.'

'I want a little bit of it too,' he admitted.

'Maybe you should just tell Joey you don't care about all of it?'

'I did. I don't care,' he told them, 'problem is she cares.'

* * *

'This pool table was the best idea ever,' Jen mused as she potted her ball and moved on to the next.

'The renovation was a bitch,' Pacey complained as he took his shot after Jen's failed, successfully sinking his ball. It had taken him a month of working during the hours the restaurant was shut. Jack, Doug, Drue and Jen all helped - it was just a different kind of hanging out. But the others all had date nights, hanging out at home nights, and in Jen's case work nights and so Pacey had done the majority. It was kind of therapeutic to work alone because he could think about Joey uninterrupted and hammer out his pain. Or attempt to. The room looked great and the table was already bringing in the after work crowd. Sure they came in for a drink, but they always ate.

'It's paying off though,' Jen reassured him. 'Look at that line of money.'

'So many quarters we can retire,' Pacey looked at his nose and waggled his eyebrows.

'Dumbass,' she hip checked him.

'I just need to find something else to do now,' he sighed.

'You mean some other project of distraction? A new restaurant not enough?'

'I was thinking about this new service,' Pacey ignored her jibe, 'uh, Joey actually suggested it.'

'When?' Jen asked pointedly.

'Months ago. On one of those last precious Sunday's.'

'Ok?'

'She suggested frozen family meals...you know like a takeout,' he went on to explain it and Jen seemed to think it was a good idea.

'Joey could do with healthy takeouts,' Jen laughed, 'doesn't surprise me that she'd think of it.'

'What do you mean?' Pacey frowned, instantly on alert.

'She's just a terrible cook,' Jen rolled her eyes.

'So what is she eating?'

'What she's always eaten I guess. She grazes on her garden as far as I can make out.'

'It's winter. There's like five feet of snow,' Pacey dropped his cue stick against the wall and fixed Jen with a steely gaze.

'She has a load of potatoes and onions and honey and stuff,' Jen shrugged in a very fake way.

'Oh wow, how nutritionally balanced,' he deadpanned.

'She has other stuff. She just can't put it together very successfully. She tried to make us an omelette and it was burnt scrambled eggs.'

'So how often do you go over?' he asked without attempting to hide his interest by sounding casual.

'Every week. Occasionally twice.'

'And how is she?' his voice sounded small because he was scared of her answer. If Joey was terrible it would be awful and he'd want to fix it for her, but if she were great without him then that might feel even worse.

'She's...'Jen trailed off. 'She misses you. Something awful,' Jen admitted. 'I'm only telling you that because if think you need to know your love is requited. Although maybe you'd do better if love weren't an issue, but it is so...' she babbled and his heart beat a little harder because she missed him and so there was hope. 'She's motivated Pace. Give her time. I don't think you should give up on her.'

'I wasn't planning too,' he shrugged.

* * *

Pacey felt like a naughty kid as he parked in front of Joey's house. The snow was so deep he couldn't see the steps up to the front porch. The house looked a little lonely but it didn't look quite as shabby as it had when he'd started delivering her mail all that time ago. He stepped out of the car and pulled out the snow shovel he'd bought and set about clearing a path to the front door. Once he got there he banged on it because it was impossible to be so close and not bang, to not beg to be let in. There was no answer and no sound of Bubba from within from which he drew the conclusion that she was out, which was honestly the oddest thing in the world. He headed round to the back and there were tracks that led through the woods to the main road. His whole stomach swooped with nerves and a feeling of disquiet. He wanted her to be out because that was a good sign, but it was weird to be so distant from the process. He headed back to the car and got the cardboard take out boxes with the selection of meals he was trying out, as well as several bags of scones and muffins and put them on the back porch with a note;

_Joey, I know you want me to give you space but I wanted to give you a selection of meals we're trying in the take out freezer (your suggestion). The Mac and cheese is really popular, as is the lasagne. Maybe write and let me know what you think:-) I miss you. Like crazy. And I love you. Like crazy. Enjoy the food, Pacey xxxx_

He'd written a bunch of draft letters, some that turned into ten page epic love letters, but he'd gone with simple.

* * *

Pacey was putting in some orders when Jack arrived for his shift.

'Hey Pace, how's it going?' The questions announced Jack's arrival,

'All pretty smooth man, busy, but smooth. The new waitress is awesome,' he nodded towards the forty year old waitress Sally.

'Knew she'd be good. Hopefully she can show Dan a thing or two,' Jack said and then frowned a little, 'you, uh, got a minute? I wanna talk about something.'

'Sure, sure,' Pacey took a last look around and shouted to the chef, who gave him the nod that all was good.

'Office,' Jack stated and they headed into their small and somewhat messy office.

'What's up? You seem all serious.'

'Joey came to see me.'

'What?' Pacey spluttered, 'came to, what? How? Where?'

'At my place. She knocked on the door last night. She had her dog with her.'

'Fuck,' he sat down in his chair. 'I...just...I...'

'She apologized,' Jack went on, 'I mean I don't even know what for, but she did. She seemed kinda uptight and nervous but I guess that's her people phobia thing. Anyway, she was really sweet.'

'She came to see you?'

'I think she must have walked,' Jack put in.

'I...I mean that's fucking awesome and God but I'm fucking jealous...'

'I think it was something she wanted to do, you know. She seemed like she had several things she wanted to say. She invited me over with Jen next week.'

'Wow...I'm...fuck I don't know how I am about that, and wow...'

'Be happy. For me. Joey...it was something I never really dealt with, never got over. Everything that happened was just too awful. I feel like...I don't know, we can both get a little closure now. Hopefully still be friends. She stood up for me when it felt like everyone else was against me.'

'Huh,' Pacey didn't know what to say. Of course he was happy for Jack, and of course it could only mean good things if Joey was going out and especially seeing Jack. She must be doing so well, but he wanted her. He wanted to see her and talk to her. He missed her and yet everyone else apparently had her except him.

'She, uh, said to say she loves the Mac and cheese, the lasagne needs a few more veggies and a little less meat, and the raspberry and white chocolate scones are amazing. The soups are brilliant as well. I guess you've been taking her food?' Jack arched his brows at Pacey.

'I first did it about a month ago. Jen, she uh, said something about her not cooking well,' Pacey mumbled feeling embarrassed. 'I just take her a week of the take out meals.'

'Have you seen her?'

'Would I be so incredibly jealous of you if I had?' Pacey asked with a frown, 'I mean that first week I knocked but I just...she wants space and I'm trying really, really hard to give that to her.'

'She talked about you a lot,' Jack offered and Pacey felt a flush of pleasure,

'She did?'

'Yeah,' Jack nodded.

'Well I guess that's good,' he smiled, thinking about her curled up on the swing seat, her hair a mass of waves and a smile on her face at the sight of him.

'You're a good guy Pacey,' Jack said which surprised him because he hadn't said or done anything particularly great in the last few minutes except gawp at Jack as he spoke about Joey.

'Thanks?' he said as a question and Jack laughed,

'Ah shut up and get back to work,' Jack wrapped an arm around his shoulders and squeezed before they headed back to work.


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey guys,**

**Thanks for all the great reviews. **

**I hope you like this chapter. Nothing is fully resolved but it felt like more here would just be closing up loose ends. Maybe people feel it needs more? Another chapter or an epilogue? Let me know! It just felt right to end this where I did. I think it can be finished here but if you feel short changed let me know!**

**As always please review. It really makes a difference. Especially near the end of a story - endings are really tough. Starting is no problem. **

**Thanks as always,**

**Tab xx**

**Chapter 15**

'The snow is melting my friend, the snow is melting!' Jack practically sang as he carried a bunch of dishes into the kitchen and handed them to Ben, the guy that kept the kitchen clean and running. Jack stood next to Pacey who was chopping onions. 'Whatcha making?'

'Butternut squash risotto as a special and I was gonna have a go at making these vegetarian spicy bean burgers.'

'Getting adventurous,' Jack teased.

'Well we have everything else on the go and Evan is managing great keeping up with orders so I can spend my time menu tweaking,' Pacey gave him a broad grin.

'You spend all your time menu tweaking,' Jack teased.

'And you spend all your time counting our money as people buy my tweaked food repeatedly,' Pacey elbowed Jack who chuckled.

'You're like a cooking savant,' Jack complimented and Pacey laughed,

'It's a place I find peace,' he told his friend with mock solemnity.

'Whatever,' Jack rolled his eyes but didn't call Pacey on it. Pacey understood why - everyone wanted him to be happy and he simply wasn't. The best he could do was ok and peaceful. Peaceful was as good as it got and it was rare. Most of the time he was tormented. Jealous of those who got to see Joey and filled with nerves. Nerves that she might never come and see him, and nerves that she would. One set of nerves sent his heart and body fluttering and the other made him feel nauseous.

'So we're both off this evening. You wanna get the others together and head to the bar?'

'You mean take business away from our business?' Jack asked with mock horror.

'I think we all need a change of scene,' Pacey smirked, 'I see this place in my sleep.'

'Sure you do,' Jack muttered sarcastically.

'Ok, that's not true, but she's always in this place,' Pacey clarified and gave Jack a _you can laugh now_ look. Jack did,

'She naked?'

'Sometimes,' he answered honestly.

'Hang in there, that's all I wanna say.'

'You guys have been saying that for months,' Pacey muttered under his breath swearing to himself that the sting in his eyes was due to the onions.

'Let's face it you're not giving up. You're not sleeping with other women, or interested in other women. I'm just telling you to mentally hang in there. That's all.'

'You know something I don't?' Pacey asked, not for the first time. Jen and Jack, even Doug, they were always telling him to hang in there, to just wait a little longer and clearly it was because Joey was doing better. She was making the progress she wanted to make but apparently it hadn't yet been enough to re involve him with her life.

'I know you love her and she loves you,' Jack said for the millionth time and Pacey huffed slightly and focussed on his vegetables. 'Look Pace, stop for a sec,' Jack insisted and reluctantly Pacey lay down his knife.

'What?'

'You agreed to this separation because you wanted her to get better. She asked for it because she wants to get better...'

'And that seems to involve everyone but me,' Pacey growled.

'Look Pace, Jen has helped her with a whole bunch of stuff.'

'Like what?' he demanded.

'Fuck Pace, it's not my place,' Jack began but Pacey glared,

'As you all say but I'm fucking irritated with all that. Why the big secret?'

'It's no secret,' Jack sighed, 'I just...look when someone gets counselling then really it's their crap to share.'

'She's been having counselling?' Pacey asked quietly.

'I don't know much, just that she asked Jen to find her someone and she's been seeing her regularly.'

'That's good,' he acknowledged quietly.

'Don't be all angry Pace. This is all for you. I mean it's for her too because she wants you and a proper life with you. Or the chance of one you know?'

'You're right,' Pacey picked up his knife again and resumed chopping.

'And you know all this,' Jack patted his shoulder.

'I guess I just...I don't know, feel sad and lonely, and all mixed up inside.'

'I get it. I do.'

'Says you,' Pacey gave Jack a smile, 'you're moving in with my neurotic big brother on the weekend. You're not mixed up at all!'

'Not so much these days,' Jack grinned.

'I really hope you know what you're letting yourself in for. You, you're normal, but Doug - he is extremely uptight. I mean whatever you do, don't mess with the guys diva collection.'

'He doesn't have a problem when I mess with it,' Jack smirked.

'Yeah?' Pacey looked at his friends face and tutted in amusement, 'ha, yeah I bet he doesn't.'

'He'll have a problem with it eventually so I better try and remember one diva from another...'

'How is it you're so well suited to my brother and yet so different from him?' Pacey asked.

'Opposites attract right?'

'Right I guess,' Pacey nodded thinking of Joey. Of course he was thinking of her, didn't he spend half his life thinking of her, and the other half trying not to? He didn't think he and Joey were opposites exactly. Maybe their approach was different to things. She was certainly organized where he wasn't but they had a similar work ethic . Though he hadn't had much of a work ethic before moving to Capeside. Joey was artistic and he was creative - not exactly opposites but certainly compatible. She couldn't cook and he could, he smirked - that was certainly a case where they were opposites. Also she could keep crap alive - plants, chickens, bees and a dog. He wasn't so green figured. He was kind of the opposite, though he didn't know what that would make him - red fingered?

'I really love him you know?' Jack said it softly because they were in the busy kitchen,

'I know you do man. I know he's not easy so I'm glad he's got you to adore him. I mean he adores you right back,' Pacey smiled at his friend.

'And you're really ok living upstairs?'

'You know once we all paint it this weekend it won't be so bad,' he shrugged. 'The hard bit was clearing it all out.'

'You better schedule in an IKEA trip of you wanna sleep on anything,' Jack teased.

'Yeah true,' Pacey smiled. 'Wanna come?'

'To ikea? Hell yeah. I know we own a restaurant and it's awful to say this but I love their hot dogs and ice cream.'

'Technically it's frozen yogurt and crap in a bun but I love 'em too.'

'I hate that I'm so stereotypically gay when it comes to ikea,' Jack shook his head,

'What you trying to pull - everyone loves IKEA,' Pacey shook his head back.

'Not Doug,' Jack widened his eyes theatrically.

'No, not Doug.'

* * *

Pacey had been in his apartment for about a month and it was ok. It wasn't great but it would do. He hadn't bothered getting much in the way of furniture or home comforts because the truth was that he didn't want it to be home. He wanted to live back with Joey. Something that now seemed a more and more distant a prospect despite the other's irritating mantra of "hang on" and "not long now I'm sure" and "she does love you." He'd begun to feel like maybe his life was on hold but with no eventual resolution. It was stupid really because he'd bought a restaurant, he had his own place to live, he was debt free and profit high. He was doing much better than he'd ever envisioned when he went to Capeside over a year and a half earlier. However he was on hold because he loved a girl and wasn't with her. He guessed Joey's argument would be that if he was with her and she wasn't better his life would be on hold indefinitely. Except it felt kind of indefinite in this situation as well. He couldn't help but think that in the other scenario he was at least with her.

It was early in the morning and clearly a beautiful day was ahead. The restaurant didn't open until ten thirty on a week day and so he had no real reason to be up but it was six thirty and he was wide awake. He headed into his small bathroom and splashed water on his face and then brushed his teeth. He stared at his reflection. Blue eyes stared back at him from inside a face that was far more serious than it had been six months ago. He still had scruff on his face but it was shorter than it had been in his days as a mailman. Likewise with his hair. He wanted to give patrons an impression of cleanliness after all. He looked tired and sad, both of which were true. Heading out of the bathroom he pulled on his running clothes. He ran every day because it was space to think. And the truth was he liked the body he'd got when walking everyday and working on Joey's house. He didn't want to lose that body and so he ran.

He headed away from the restaurant on the boardwalk enjoying the freshness of the morning air, a nice spring coolness to it despite the sun that had risen over an hour earlier. After heading to the end of the boardwalk he decided to cut up through the houses and then back to the restaurant through the boardwalk running through town. He liked to see people going about their morning rituals. Moms and dads loading kids into the car, dog owners getting a morning walk in, his old colleagues delivering mail, the stores putting out their wares in preparation for opening. It was nice even if he were a little early for much activity on this morning. On a whim he headed to the end of the dock, near the boat docks and looked at the sun glinting off the creek. It was beautiful, like a million diamonds. With a sigh that sounded pathetic to even his ears he turned and decided to walk back to the restaurant.

It wasn't a huge surprise that he spotted them - _immediately_. Joey was all he thought about and her image was burned on his eyelids, on his brain, on his soul. Bubba wasn't far behind and the two of them together was a sight he'd subconsciously looked for every time he was anywhere, ever. They were walking down the boardwalk, the opposite way to the restaurant and in the direction of her house. She looked amazing. Her long hair cascaded in soft waves down her back. She was wearing it down and it looked pretty. Really pretty. She was wearing some long navy dress with a blue cardigan. It was simple and yet absolutely stunning. She quite literally took his breath away and he stood with his mouth agape, forgetting to breathe, forgetting about everything but staring at this vision, this goddess on a boardwalk who was apparently his everything.

For several moments he was rendered entirely useless, watching silently as she walked past him, apparently as oblivious as he was not. Then he was watching her walk away and the feeling of betrayal practically sliced him in half. A searing pain laced with anger. He was fucking furious. She was walking through town, apparently fine. She was meeting up with his friends and was apparently fine. If everything was so fucking fine why the fuck couldn't she just tell him she didn't love him. Tell him she didn't want him. Because it seemed as clear as anything to him that if she was walking through town without a care in the world, without even thinking of seeing him, then obviously she didn't want him, and she should just say it. He was running to the boardwalk before he could stop himself. Bubba turned and ran up to him barking and jumping up. Joey turned and then just stared at him, her eye wide and as captivating as they always had been. But he was hurt and angry,

'What the fuck?' he glared at her, or tried to without his heart turning soft, after all he was only hurt because he was desperately in love with her. 'Why don't you just come out and say it? Tell me you don't want me instead of having me hanging on? I know you said to move on or whatever but you know I haven't. You must because you see everyone but me. Everyone and they...they tell me to hang on, to wait, so they must be hearing something from you. But you don't want me. And I love you so you could just fucking come out and say it.'

'Pacey,' his name in her sweet voice. Ugh, but his whole person body and soul craved her so much it just wilted at the sound. He took a step in her direction, then remembered the betrayal he felt,

'You know what just forget it. I'm done pining after you like some ridiculous love sick puppy. You're apparently fine to dance through town looking all beautiful and shit, whilst my heart's just broken and you know what, I'll save you the trouble. You don't want me. Great,' he turned around and began to run, swiping an arm across his eyes because for some fucking reason he couldn't see.

'Pacey,' her voice somehow managed to reach him through the fog of his hurt.

'What?' he whirled around.

'Stop please,' she begged and he could sense her panic. Of course he should have known better than to confront her in town with other people nearby, but he hadn't been expecting to see her, nor had he been expecting his reaction to the sight of her. Her breathing was coming in rasps and she looked terrified and his anger deflated like a cheap air mattress.

'Hey, hey, it's ok,' he walked back to her and she wrapped her arms around him and pressed her head to his chest.

'I came to see you,' she gasped, 'that's where I was coming from...' She squeezed him tighter, her breath still coming in haggard pants.

'You did?' he was shocked, entirely, as all his feelings of angst melted away until he realized that he was holding her in his arms. That after far too long he was finally holding her in his arms. That she should finally try and see him whilst he was out seemed cruel, though perhaps their creek side meeting was kismet, _because he was holding her in his arms_.

'My, uh...counsellor. She said...she said to try first when the restaurant is closed. So I finally did and you weren't there. I was so excited to see you but I couldn't wait. I didn't know who else might come and it was you I wanted to see,' her breathing was calming and she sighed, turning her face to kiss his chest. Her arms shifted from around his stomach and looped themselves behind his head.

'You came to see me?' he repeated dumbly, his arms holding onto her tightly.

'Is that a good thing?' she asked.

'That's a great thing Jo, the best thing ever. I mean my arms are stuck like this you realize. I don't think I'm ever going to let you go because you hugged me, which means you want me, maybe even love me...'

'I love you,' she shrugged.

'You do? Really? My emotions are pretty fragile you knew Potter, so don't tease...'

'I love you,' she bit her lip clearly amused and it drove him half batty. He groaned softly,

'Is this actually happening? I mean I've fantasies about seeing you, about you being here in my arms. Really?'

'Yes really. You just yelled at me loudly in the middle of town. You were really mad and now you're grinning like an idiot. It is real.'

'I've been going crazy. I really think I've never been sadder in my life. Please say it's over. Please?' he stared at her, unable to stop his eyes tracking over every feature, her beautiful eyes looking like a lake reflecting the dappled leaves of spring, her perfectly sculpted cheekbones, and those plump lips just begging, _begging_, for him to kiss them,

'You've been sad?' her voice was small, and her hands brushed through the hair at the nape of his neck. He wanted to purr like a cat.

'God Joey, I've been so very, very sad,' he admitted, his lips somehow hovering over hers, like her breath was super powered and every time she breathed in she drew him closer. 'I've missed you so much.'

'So you still love me then?' she asked and he couldn't help the bark of laughter as he nodded,

'Yes,' he grinned, 'yes I still love you.' He looked at her and then she was standing on her toes and kissing him, her tongue in his mouth and tangling with his.

'Oh,' he groaned, his hands smoothing across her ass, tugging her close. He didn't know how long they kissed for, only that he wished they were anywhere but in public on the Capeside boardwalk. Of course it was a miracle for Joey that they were stood kissing endlessly on a Capeside boardwalk. At length Bubba barked and the kiss ended, not that he could help placing kisses all over her face and then holding her tight against him. 'Will you come to the restaurant with me?' he asked, pressing his face into her neck and dropping a hand to Bubba's head.

'Will it be open? I'm doing loads better but I'm not ready for open...'

'I have like a million questions for you,' he interrupted and she laughed. God how he'd missed her laugh,

'How about you come over after work. You can stay the night,' she gave him a coy look and he flushed, 'I've really missed you,' she fiddled with his t shirt grasping it at the front.

'I can stay over?' on but his whole body liked that idea. It wasn't like he wasn't already standing to complete attention what with the kissing and the proximity, but with the prospect of sex, because let's face it - she was indicating that that might happen - and that hadn't happened for a very long time, not since that last time months ago.

'I've _really_ missed you,' she shifted against him and smiled. He smiled back and then they were simply stood there smiling stupidly at one another. 'So you'll come?'

'Definitely,' he kissed the corner of her mouth, 'I can come now...'

'You can't blow off work,' she chided and he grinned,

'But I want to. I really, really want to,' he kissed her again.

'You just want sex,' she rolled her eyes and he adored every second of her eye balls swooping from left to right because it was so her.

'Of course I want sex. It's been months since I've had sex, but I really just want to be with you and talk to you.'

'So you didn't get a girlfriend? I mean Jen said you were waiting but sometimes friends don't know everything...' she was babbling, uncertain, insecure.

'Nope. Just mournful longing for you.'

'Good,' she smiled widely and he laughed,

'Glad my mournful longing makes you happy,' he teased.

'I'm sorry you've been so sad but really...this has worked. I'm not all better, but I'm getting there. Come tonight.'

'I'll be there as soon as I get off work and shower, I guess sixish. Earlier of I can.'

'Ok,' she laid her head back on his chest. 'Good.'

'Can't we just stand here and hug all day?' he asked, 'because I can't let you go just yet.'

'Ha, I know the feeling,' she pressed a warm, wet kiss to his neck and his whole body lurched pleasantly.

'Please,' he turned his head so their mouths were nearly touching and just breathed in and out, feeling more alive by this nearly kiss than he had for months and months.

'Please?' her voice was barely a whisper,

'Can we stay here all day?' he half smiled but then he was kissing her again. Kissing her was addictive, like he imagined the first shot of heroine might be after a long stretch of beking clean, or even a first drag in a cigarette after quitting years before, only this kiss wasn't bad for him, not in any way. It was as good as it felt, only it didn't just feel good - it was every glowing adjective under the sun for amazing or fantastic. Kissing Joey was something he wanted to do forever and ever, and quite simply he decided that he knew he wanted to marry her and that he would be asking her sooner rather than later, because he couldn't handle the thought of a lifetime without this feeling in it.

'I have to go,' she mumbled the words into the kiss. He had no idea of they'd been kissing for five minutes or five hours, he only knew that he was incredibly turned on, and that he felt like his emotions had been tumbled around inside a drier, and we're all mixed up, jumbled up and very hot.

'No,' he half growled tugging her impossibly closer.

'I have to. It's getting to busy and I just...I'm ok, which is amazing but I don't think I can manage rush hour...'

'Ok,' he conceded immediately pressing his forehead to hers, 'you're amazing. God I love you.'

'Come tonight. We can talk properly.'

'Ok.'

'Then if you stay I'll walk you to work,' she gave him a smile.

'Really?' he grinned.

'I mean we can drive and maybe I'll walk home. I'd love to see the restaurant.'

'Yes,' he burst out with ridiculous enthusiasm.

'Ok, goodbye then, for now,' she kissed him softly.

'Goodbye,' he kissed her softly.

'You have to let go,' she ran her hands over his arms that were clamped around her.

'They aren't receiving any messages from my brain I'm afraid,' he shrugged.

'Keep your arms permanently around me tonight please, but right now let go,' she gave him a look and he laughed letting go.

'I'll see you later,' he took her hand and squeezed.

'You will,' she nodded. 'I'm sorry I upset you.'

'I'm sorry I threw such a major tantrum.'

'It was sweet,' she teased.

'It was a meltdown you know,' he blushed.

'Because you care,' she told him easily.

'Because I love you.'

'Because you love me,' she agreed and brought his hand to her mouth, pressing a featherlight kiss to his knuckles.

'See you as soon as I can.'

'Yeah,' she nodded and turned. Bubba licked his hand and turned to walk with Joey. Pacey watched this vision walk away from him, not even aware enough to be concerned about his blatant erection in the middle of town. She turned and looked over her shoulder smiling and he felt like he was floating, his stomach all knotted up in delicious anticipation. That night he would see her, hold her, talk to her, fuck her, be with her. That night would end the horrible emptiness of the last few months. It may have sounded stupid but he felt like his soul had finally found itself, that it was no longer lost in an abyss of negativity. He knew, somehow, that his happiness was tied up with hers, and that finally he felt he'd reclaimed his life from the insanity of self-hatred, from fear, from being a person he didn't like and he didn't feel was who he was. Finally, after a lifetime he was happy.


End file.
